I don't know what to do anymore, this is the worst I've ever been and really sucks that I can't do anything.
I've been battling with depression and suicidal thoughts ever since I was 13 but I never did something about it since it was nothing serious most of the time, and more importantly, I don't deserve help.
Now I'm in my mid 20s and this is the worst it's ever been, more than 10 damn years of the same thing and there's no signs of it ever getting better. I had 2 attempts when I was in my late teens but that ended in nothing, because I had to be too much of a pussy to actually jump from the chair and be gone from this world. SI has ruined my 2 attempts at leaving.
The first time I got so delayed by it that I almost got caught, I even almost lost my balance on the chair and could've possibly ended hanging by accident, but I still did my best to avoid it somehow.
The second time went just as well as the first one, and ever since then I've been thinking for years and years about it. I'm too much of a coward to hang myself, so I'm probably going to fail every attempt with every other method.
I wouldn't say I exactly fear death, since I don't believe in heaven or hell, and thinking about being found lifeless causes me no discomfort, but I still can't get past SI somehow. It hurts so much to know I'm still alive after all these years because I've done nothing but hurt others. I've only been wasting space and money, hurt those that care about me because I'm a selfish, unconsidered idiot that doesn't have the capacity to think as someone my age. No matter how I apologize or try to make it up for my mistakes, the guilt and memories are far too great to get rid of. I've gotten yelled at my face how much of a garbage person I am and I deserve it.
I hate myself and I have nothing to live for, I haven't done anything good, ever. My friends have been leaving me slowly, work isn't doing too well and I don't have a remarkable set of skills or talent. Nothing makes me happy or genuinely smile anymore, I don't enjoy my hobbies anymore. I'm not worthy of professional help, but yet again, I really doubt it would even help me.
I have every reason to kms but I obviously have to fail at that too, by always chickening out when I attempt. I'm starting to think my punishment might be to suffer until the day I die.
I've been battling with depression and suicidal thoughts ever since I was 13 but I never did something about it since it was nothing serious most of the time, and more importantly, I don't deserve help.
Now I'm in my mid 20s and this is the worst it's ever been, more than 10 damn years of the same thing and there's no signs of it ever getting better. I had 2 attempts when I was in my late teens but that ended in nothing, because I had to be too much of a pussy to actually jump from the chair and be gone from this world. SI has ruined my 2 attempts at leaving.
The first time I got so delayed by it that I almost got caught, I even almost lost my balance on the chair and could've possibly ended hanging by accident, but I still did my best to avoid it somehow.
The second time went just as well as the first one, and ever since then I've been thinking for years and years about it. I'm too much of a coward to hang myself, so I'm probably going to fail every attempt with every other method.
I wouldn't say I exactly fear death, since I don't believe in heaven or hell, and thinking about being found lifeless causes me no discomfort, but I still can't get past SI somehow. It hurts so much to know I'm still alive after all these years because I've done nothing but hurt others. I've only been wasting space and money, hurt those that care about me because I'm a selfish, unconsidered idiot that doesn't have the capacity to think as someone my age. No matter how I apologize or try to make it up for my mistakes, the guilt and memories are far too great to get rid of. I've gotten yelled at my face how much of a garbage person I am and I deserve it.
I hate myself and I have nothing to live for, I haven't done anything good, ever. My friends have been leaving me slowly, work isn't doing too well and I don't have a remarkable set of skills or talent. Nothing makes me happy or genuinely smile anymore, I don't enjoy my hobbies anymore. I'm not worthy of professional help, but yet again, I really doubt it would even help me.
I have every reason to kms but I obviously have to fail at that too, by always chickening out when I attempt. I'm starting to think my punishment might be to suffer until the day I die.
