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nihilistic_dragon

nihilistic_dragon

Dead already. Just need to dispose of my body now.
Aug 6, 2024
852
Occasionally, some little nice thing happens in my day to day life. And just for a fraction of a second my brain imagines a bright future. Just for a fraction of a second. And then the delusion fades away and the reality check kicks right back in and I remember that a "bright future" is impossible.

I often wonder if I will be able to ctb, or will I - like many of you - have many tries, where I mostly just cry and stare at the wall with my ctb method in front of me? I am a very strong and determined person, always have been. But I wonder what I will become when my time comes.

My method of choice is N. I still have to make lots of preparations, still need to travel to obtain it. Recently when I heard that N is becoming more difficult to buy, part of me got upset/anxious. But a very tiny part of me was....glad?

While I know it's only natural to keep postponing your preparations and ctb date, I hate being in limbo like this. I hate the SI. I hate this society for making ctb-ing so difficult too.

I am just so tired of having to exist. Just so fucking tired.
 
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kinderbueno

kinderbueno

Waiting at the bus stop
Jun 22, 2024
261
I understand. Our survival instincts are merely trying to trick us into thinking the future is bright. I need to get over my SI, but I have no fucking clue how
 
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C

CantDoIt

Elementalist
Jul 18, 2024
874
God I get you there so much. It's only natural to feel this way I think. Whenever I go to sleep I feel great, but when I wake up im the morning I remember everything that bothers me and I am devastated. And then my SI has the nerve to show me horrible things or make me feel guilty or regretful or nostalgic. What hoped are these emotions exactly?
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Just wanting some peace
Sep 24, 2020
43,657
That must be very tiring what you go through, I certainly understand feeling so tired of suffering in this existence and I also really wish it's not so difficult to cease existing. But anyway I wish you all the best.
 
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nihilistic_dragon

nihilistic_dragon

Dead already. Just need to dispose of my body now.
Aug 6, 2024
852
I understand. Our survival instincts are merely trying to trick us into thinking the future is bright. I need to get over my SI, but I have no fucking clue how
Yes. It should be called delusion instead of SI.
 
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SuperioS

SuperioS

all I want is you now
Jan 16, 2024
63
SI saved my life 3 times
 
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nihilistic_dragon

nihilistic_dragon

Dead already. Just need to dispose of my body now.
Aug 6, 2024
852
SI saved my life 3 times
Was it more difficult to "pull the trigger" so to speak the second and the third time, or was it easier?
 
huntermellow

huntermellow

another bpd death statistic
Aug 6, 2024
151
i get you so much. sometimes i feel like i can get over everything that's happened for a very brief second but then i remember again and i remember how everything has always consistently gone wrong when i had something good and the same bad things will keep happening to me. that's why i want things to keep getting worse so i don't feel regret and so my SI will no longer affect me when it's my time because i know that if i survive nothing will change and things will probably be worse
 
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nihilistic_dragon

nihilistic_dragon

Dead already. Just need to dispose of my body now.
Aug 6, 2024
852
i get you so much. sometimes i feel like i can get over everything that's happened for a very brief second but then i remember again and i remember how everything has always consistently gone wrong when i had something good and the same bad things will keep happening to me. that's why i want things to keep getting worse so i don't feel regret and so my SI will no longer affect me when it's my time because i know that if i survive nothing will change and things will probably be worse
Yes exactly. It is just for a brief moment. And then the reality check takes over.
And that is why I like the idea of ctb-ing in a foreign country. I know that I will feel even more like an alien than I already do, so hopefully it will be easier to go through with the process.
 
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