Selfish CTB

[lanadelreyisgod223]

First off, I do not believe people who CTB are selfish by any means. Everyone deserves the autonomy to CTB, however mine would be extremely selfish. My brother died from leukemia a few years ago and it absolutely destroyed my mom. Whenever I've had failed CTB attempts in the past, she's told me that she would not be able to go on anymore if I had succeeded and passed away. I don't know how to navigate those feelings. I feel so selfish for constantly dreaming about CTB and being at peace for once.

But it's the only place I can imagine myself going. I've been suicidal since I was 6 years old. No normal and healthy child would ever feel that way. I know that taking my own life is how I will eventually die some day.

 

[BandInChina]

I am in a similar boat with my Mom (not that she would really ctb but suffer forever from losing me, being also an only child). Are you close to your Mom? I am not so much emotionally speaking (though my parents treat me well otherwise) which makes it hard for me to care about her feelings. I know, it's awful, but we are just too different as individuals and never developed a strong emotional tie growing up.

 

[idontknowwhatiam]

First off, I do not believe people who CTB are selfish by any means. Everyone deserves the autonomy to CTB, however mine would be extremely selfish. My brother died from leukemia a few years ago and it absolutely destroyed my mom. Whenever I've had failed CTB attempts in the past, she's told me that she would not be able to go on anymore if I had succeeded and passed away. I don't know how to navigate those feelings. I feel so selfish for constantly dreaming about CTB and being at peace for once.

But it's the only place I can imagine myself going. I've been suicidal since I was 6 years old. No normal and healthy child would ever feel that way. I know that taking my own life is how I will eventually die some day.

How old is your mom?

 

[Suicidalastronaut]

I honestly hope my suicide will hurt my mom. She created the monster I am now. She probably won't care too much, considering the fact that she use to tell me on a regular basis that I'm going to burn on hell and that I deserve it.