Self Harm Relapse

[!WILL!]

I just need a place to vent so please don't try talking me out of self harming. I used to self harm as a way to "punish" myself and distract myself from my problems. The first time I self harmed it wasn't actually painful and I actually felt extremely euphoric afterwards. I know it's not healthy but I still felt proud of myself after cutting for the first time. Oddly enough as I became more suicidal I stopped cutting because I felt like I was "delaying the inevitable" because I didn't want to cause pain to myself, I just wanted to die and I felt like self harming got me closer to that. The reaction I got from my parents reaction to my self harm was honestly more traumatizing than the self harm itself. I struggle from intrusive thoughts and though these thoughts come in many forms one of the forms they come in is self harming. Lately I feel like relapsing again and not telling anyone because self harming helped me manage my emotions. I've tried other coping mechanisms besides self harm and nothing else works for me. I particularly liked cutting because I liked the scars but I can't resort to that anymore because I don't want anyone to know I've relapsed so now I'm just looking for methods that still inflict self harm but don't leave scars/leave lighter scars that are easier to hide. I know this is extremely unhealthy but I feel like self harming was the thing keeping me from being suicidal and once I stopped the feelings went from "I want to hurt myself" to "I want to die".

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering. Even know I do not do self harm, I understand how it can help many cope. Your feelings are understandable. I wish you well.