BlueLock
Member
- Nov 8, 2024
- 63
I've been pretty much a shut in for like 2 years, I've had 2 jobs in those two years but I've worked no more than a collective 7 months. I get by living off my parents and have a few hundreds saved (not much but something) and I don't drive, I know I ought to learn considering I live in suburbia hell and theres nothing to do without a car but I just can't. Idk or maybe it's that I don't, I have the ability to drive I just don't have the motivation or care to keep up with it. Honestly I feel unable to function as an adult.
I've lived alone before and enjoyed it and functioned well so I know that's not the problem, the problem is I'm not mentally well enough to keep a job/stay in school. I'm very impulsive (it's gotten slightly better) and I've made a lot of attempts in the past. I also tend to be very avoidant when it comes to problems so I really suck when it comes to working and communication. Idk if it's my mindset because it seems to be tied to my emotions but I'm not sure. I feel bad a lot of the time even when good things are happening. I need to move out because while my parents (dad) lets me live here and buys groceries It genuinely sucks living in this house. My mom has untreated BPD and we've never gotten along. She drains the life from me, and my brother who's also struggling. There's a night and day difference in my mood when she's around or not. I love my brother a lot and that kinda keeps me going. He's on disability for autism and dealing with enmeshment and over involvement from our Mother (it's diabolical, and a control thing. It stunted my brother a lot with her doing shit for him and keeping him dependent on her) I want to help him the way he helps me because while these past 2 years have sucked he's been a consistently good influence on me. I suck at being consistent, especially when it comes to my mood (it's a trauma thing and some autism and adhd) I don't even know if i'm capable of being consitent.
Call it learned helplessness or genuinely being broken but it just hasn't worked for me and idk what to do. I'm scared people are gonna give up on me. I'm on my phone a lot and i've seen so many social media posts about how much people dislike people who do the same things i do (suck at relationships, leech off of family, have no aspirations, etc) and I know I shouldn't let it get to me, and if I do let it get to me I should use it as motivation. But I don't. It just makes me feel more ashamed. I feel very sensitive and vulnerable and I hate it. It's not that I'm scared of the world or even responsibility, I'm scared of people judging me negatively and rejecting me. I'd rather reject the world first and take myself out honestly. Idk I'm a bit self centered when it comes to my insecurities it's created problems in relationships which i've taken note of but truly have no idea how to fix. I'm just gonna avoid dating anyone for like ever, lol.
This has gone on longer than I thought it would, I'm a bit sleep deprived so idk if that's contributing to this sounding like a giant run on sentence. If this resonates with someone then yay lets vent together.
I've lived alone before and enjoyed it and functioned well so I know that's not the problem, the problem is I'm not mentally well enough to keep a job/stay in school. I'm very impulsive (it's gotten slightly better) and I've made a lot of attempts in the past. I also tend to be very avoidant when it comes to problems so I really suck when it comes to working and communication. Idk if it's my mindset because it seems to be tied to my emotions but I'm not sure. I feel bad a lot of the time even when good things are happening. I need to move out because while my parents (dad) lets me live here and buys groceries It genuinely sucks living in this house. My mom has untreated BPD and we've never gotten along. She drains the life from me, and my brother who's also struggling. There's a night and day difference in my mood when she's around or not. I love my brother a lot and that kinda keeps me going. He's on disability for autism and dealing with enmeshment and over involvement from our Mother (it's diabolical, and a control thing. It stunted my brother a lot with her doing shit for him and keeping him dependent on her) I want to help him the way he helps me because while these past 2 years have sucked he's been a consistently good influence on me. I suck at being consistent, especially when it comes to my mood (it's a trauma thing and some autism and adhd) I don't even know if i'm capable of being consitent.
Call it learned helplessness or genuinely being broken but it just hasn't worked for me and idk what to do. I'm scared people are gonna give up on me. I'm on my phone a lot and i've seen so many social media posts about how much people dislike people who do the same things i do (suck at relationships, leech off of family, have no aspirations, etc) and I know I shouldn't let it get to me, and if I do let it get to me I should use it as motivation. But I don't. It just makes me feel more ashamed. I feel very sensitive and vulnerable and I hate it. It's not that I'm scared of the world or even responsibility, I'm scared of people judging me negatively and rejecting me. I'd rather reject the world first and take myself out honestly. Idk I'm a bit self centered when it comes to my insecurities it's created problems in relationships which i've taken note of but truly have no idea how to fix. I'm just gonna avoid dating anyone for like ever, lol.
This has gone on longer than I thought it would, I'm a bit sleep deprived so idk if that's contributing to this sounding like a giant run on sentence. If this resonates with someone then yay lets vent together.
