Venting scared to ctb

[punisheralbum]

I've been really planning to ctb for the last week or so; I bought SN from A. but I'm scared. in some ways I don't want to die, but life is just so constantly overwhelming... my mental health is on a downward spiral, I'm having so much anxiety that I'm having trouble going to work at all. I applied for SSI (edit: this is the US's governmental disability allowance) last month thinking maybe I need that, but I don't know when I'll get a response and from what I've heard it's very likely I'll be denied. I'm so scared of everything - my past, now, and the future. I know people around me are worried but they don't know how bad it is. I don't know if my life is something I can repair. A lot of that is due to not just my mental illnesses (I'm bipolar, have anxiety, CPTSD) but due to my trauma. I have so much trauma I couldn't list it here. but to make it short, I've been physically, emotionally, and sexually abused as well as physically and emotionally neglected. by people I love with all my heart and forgive. but I can't forget no matter how much I want to. I've said this to my therapist, but the abuse truly broke my brain. I can even pinpoint the month and year the dam broke in my head. October 2013. I was r*ped by my half brother a year before that and my brain just...cracked like an egg. memory issues, nightmares, flashbacks, regression, sexual dysfunction, OCD, extreme dissociation... and I have never recovered. I've moved states, been in a long term relationship, gotten 7 years older, and I'm still not the same person. I struggle with anhedonia and severe dissociation. I can maybe see a life I want, but not one I feel like I can get to from here. I was thinking of ctb tomorrow. I have to work and I don't know that I can do it. I was thinking of parking in the usually empty parking garage next door and using my SN. I know my family and friends will be devastated, but I don't know what else to do. If you read all this, thanks.

 

[whywere]

HI! I am also from the U.S. 1st off, I am so sorry for everything that happened to you. My heart shattered into a million pieces. I am 64 years young and just applied for Medicare. That was a little hassle but not bad. From what I have heard about SSI, is to get a lawyer that handles this. Again from what I have been heard, alot of the times, one is denied at first. This is when a lawyer helps after the denial to appeal. One can win BUT it does take time. I have had 2 attempts so far, so I can somewhat speak from experience as far as there is no do over with ctb. Please take a step back, and think about all of your global family members here. I have been down the ctb road twice, the second try I wound up in the hospital for a LONG time. Was not bad, good food and plenty of time to relax and think things through. I REALLY care about you alot and I send you all my love, empathy, kindness and support that I have to you. Send me a message if you ever want to talk , here for you!! Walter

 

[Ender]

It's nice to know that I am not alone in having CPTSD. CTB is difficult to process and do. And I get those feelings too, part of me wants to live, but the other part is just screaming and crying for me to be at peace. SN is effective though. But I'll leave the option to ctb up to you, it is an reasonable option. I am sorry you are suffering, your feelings are valid.

 

[summers]

@punisheralbum I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I tend to look at the idea of suicide as if you are scared or unsure, it's not a good idea to attempt. I, along with quite a few ss members, believe that when you are really ready, you will be calm and at peace with your decision. Perhaps, as bleak as things look, you have hope that your situation can improve. You said you don't necessarily want to die. Maybe you can get away from your situation - move to another town/state, and start over. See if things improve for you, see if you start recovering.

The sn isn't going anywhere. It won't expire.

Wishing you all the best.