Venting Scared and exausted.

[FailureGirl]

I'm breaking and i feel it in my chest where its like I'm being torn apart in 5 different directions and i feel it in my head like a shattered mirror that already lost half its peices.

I'm almost never hungry anymore partly from the regular nausea and partly just no desire for food iv started losing weight.
I can barely look in a mirror as my reflection makes me sick and anxious and upset.

Open spaces, shops, busy places and just passing or standing near strangers triggers my anxiety
Loud noises like heavy rain, thunder, large trucks or trains give me panicked anxiety spikes, i had to run out of a cafe the other day because the background talking ended up sounding like i was under a huge waterfall.
I'm even at the point where I'm anxious around my own parents and some of my favourite songs cause anxiety.

Iv been disassociating stuff like cars sliding sideways and things floating, I'm having more moments when i truly think this is all a dream and nothings real especially the good moments.
My right hand never looks like its mine and my left too sometimes and when i look at them they warp like looking like a child's hand or a man's hand or just long long fingers.

I'm constantly arguing with the other me in my head and shadow man in the back of my mind is always watching me either silently or echoing horrible things to me about me.
I feel like I'v started losing my mind.

And now my family finally start to notice something isn't right and want to "help" but I'm too far gone my suit case is packed to ctb.

 

[eternalflame]

Sounds like schizophrenia. maybe you need help?

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so terrifying what you are going through. I'm sorry that you have to endure this. I cannot even imagine how scary that must be. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering.

 

[FailureGirl]

Sounds like schizophrenia. maybe you need help?

Unfortunately my doctors will just say it's stress or grief and throw more anti anxiety medication at me. But it bearly helps it just stops the full blown panic attacks. And the other doctors there one treats me like a drug seeker for getting my normal medication and the other treats me like hypochondriac i don't think think they even looked at my medical history.

 

[eternalflame]

I think they need one month in mental hospital to diagnose schizophrenia, not sure though.
So what is your family going to do?

 

[FailureGirl]

though.

So what is your family going to do?

Not sure as i am an adult im guessing they'll just check up on me more then usual maybe try to help me with stuff but that would just make me feel more guilty and selfish then i always do.

I cant say alot of it out loud so i dono how much they actually know is going on but i guess actually crying afew times in front of them then having a go at someone made them go "oh shit somethings actually up with her" as i almost never show when I'm upset and definitely not when I'm angry.

 

[memoriesoflight]

I don't think you should trust any diagnosis on here, especially because oftentimes there's more than one thing going on, and lumping it all under one name can set us up for disappointment. People in your situation have absolutely improved with the right treatment. I'm sorry to hear about your doctors. I know exactly what that's like.

It is, unfortunately, up to us to advocate for ourselves in the face of substandard care. Can you ask for referrals to specialists through your GP, if you haven't already? You may also want to consider seeing a therapist, if you haven't already. I was misdiagnosed with schizophrenia long ago, when it was most likely entirely trauma-based, as no medications or treatment helped, while therapy has been promising for me. I wish I would have started a very long time ago.

 

[FailureGirl]

I don't think you should trust any diagnosis on here, especially because oftentimes there's more than one thing going on, and lumping it all under one name can set us up for disappointment. People in your situation have absolutely improved with the right treatment. I'm sorry to hear about your doctors. I know exactly what that's like.

It is, unfortunately, up to us to advocate for ourselves in the face of substandard care. Can you ask for referrals to specialists through your GP, if you haven't already? You may also want to consider seeing a therapist, if you haven't already. I was misdiagnosed with schizophrenia long ago, when it was most likely entirely trauma-based, as no medications or treatment helped, while therapy has been promising for me. I wish I would have started a very long time ago.

Thanks i wouldn't self diagnosis this kinda this but iv have had multiple health professionals over the years say i may be bipolar but my main ones say im not so... I dono.
I do see a psychologist but i struggle to tell her alot of stuff. I have diagnosed PTSD and and have a history of seeing things since i was a teen. Unfortunately at this point i can't find anymore point in trying to get "better" i just wana ctb.
But some days are just really really hard.