Running out of time

[bojack]

When I was 13, I told myself I'd hold onto hope until I turned 18, if nothing changed then I'd CTB. I'm 17, turning 18 in 2 months. Everything in my life has come crashing down and nothing brings me joy anymore. I have a severe restrictive eating disorder, and can't bring myself to eat unless I throw it up. Years of binging and purging has left my body in shambles, I can barely think straight from brain fog and I'm constantly fatigued. Despite how horrible I feel, I can't stop. I feel like I have no personality anymore. Everyday feels like a dream and not a good one. I know I'm young but if I stick around all that'll be waiting for me is despair. I have no ambitions in life, no support from my family and no friends. I'm a burden on my family so even if they miss me it'll be easier for them without me around. I don't really want to make it to my 18th birthday, waking up in the morning is the worst feeling ever. I'm just so terrified of the pain of dying, it's the only thing keeping me around. Every night I sit and think about killing myself, chicken out and go to sleep hoping my heart will stop. If I don't CTB, I'm praying my eating disorder takes me out soon. Sadly I don't think I'll get that lucky.

 

[FML_]

You deserved so much better in life. I'm sorry....

 

[almaranthine]

Have your parents/caretakers done anything to help you with your condition!?

 

[bojack]

Have your parents/caretakers done anything to help you with your condition!?

Unfortunately no. Mental health is an uncomfortable subject in my household and my parents don't agree with therapy/ medications

 

[almaranthine]

Unfortunately no. Mental health is an uncomfortable subject in my household and my parents don't agree with therapy/ medications

Wow, I am truly sorry to hear that. It sounds like you essentially have zero support system and even if you wished to seek some form of professional help they would bar you from that (which is insane and potentially abusive). Is your family religious? I am guessing so, because generally only highly religiously deluded people are that against someone at the very least seeking therapy. Medications can of course cause a lot of complications, and I can see not wanting to put a younger person on drugs that could hurt them more... but still, to tell you no, no help for you, sounds abusive. Do you plan to go to college? That is really your best way out if you have the grades. If you live on a campus you can get away from your family and get therapy from the school.

 

[katara]

Ya I can relate to this. It feels like I'm always running out of time... I wish someone would help me. i'm so terrible at life so I've been too scared to kill myself. Well I wanted to go with fentanyl, but everytime I ask for help I get nothing. Every other method just seems too hard and risky. I just want this to be easy, its even worse when I cant find anyone who understands. I have nobody.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you have suffered so much in life. This life really is so cruel and unfair and I can imagine that it must be awful what you have been through. I also hope to just die in my sleep as it would mean that I would not have to ctb. I fear the method failing and that is what personally holds me back from attempting. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your pain.