Road to Recovery Vent

[terra.nuvo]

I'm on the road to recovery but I feel like I'm still stunted and stuck in a way. My therapist says I should use this time that I have to get better and focus on myself but that just seems like I'm wasting time. I need to make money. I need to have a job. But I also need to get better and feel ready for all of that. But I'm scared I'll never be ready to get back out into life again.

I lost another friend because I don't know how to interact with people anymore without bringing up something negative. I've just completely lost sight of who I was. I used to be so happy and full of life. So much so that I attracted people towards me. But now that's all gone. Maybe I never really was that person that I thought I was. But even if I was I have no way of getting back to him. I'm no longer the me that everyone wants and it hurts.

When will this cycle be over? When will I finally be able to move on. All I can think about is the bad that I've done in the past and how scared I am for the future and it keeps me stuck. It makes me feel like all I can do is sit on the couch and watch a show or scroll through SS. Recovery seems so out of sight that it just seems impossible. My mom would say that God is testing me right now and that he wouldn't give me anything more than I can handle but if this is a test, I don't wanna take it anymore. It's too difficult. I've been trying to get better now for over a year and I'm still the same if not worse.

It's times like these where the thoughts of wanting death come in strong. I just hope I can make it through these trials and make something of my life. That's all I want. To show everyone that I made it out alive and better than I was before. But the longer I go on, the farther that goal seems.

 

[terra.nuvo]

Recovery is indeed hard. I also feel stuck a lot and kind of scared to take big leaps of faith because I could just as easily die without wasted effort.

Where do you live and what kind of interests / background do you have? I could suggest work ideas. Don't downplay yourself here, just let me know where you are at.

It's nice to find people who can relate. I appreciate your kindness. I'm in Virginia, US. I went to school for computer science but never finished. Other than that I don't really have many interests at the moment.