Relieved that an end is on the horizon.

[Achlys]

I remember walking outside one night when I was 12 or 13, vacantly pondering my future—would I be happy in ten years' time?

I held hope back then in spite of my depression and suicidal thoughts. I believed things could improve. So I waited and hoped the next year would be the year I became happy. And before I knew it, amidst the despair, I found myself in the same position again. Surely, next year will be the year, I prayed. But then New Year's rolled by again. And then again, and again, and once more for good measure.

The years have passed, as has my hope, little by little.

Only just now have I come to realize that I've been stuck in limbo all this while, toughing it out each day for the sake of the vain delusion that happiness was just around the corner. That's all that has kept me going, after all. How exhausting it has been, continuing to suffer with no end in sight, be it good or bad.

Well, ten years will be here soon. I turned 20 just the other day.

I don't think I can ctb with a good conscience before exhausting all other options available to me first. And, by late 2024, I'll have done all that I reasonably can. So, I've decided. I'll reassess my life when the time comes.

I feel relieved that an end to my pain is now on the horizon, whether that end is the happiness that has eluded me all my life, or my death. I'm grateful to have found this site.

 

[Weebster]

I did that at 20. I said 10 more years because 20 is still young.

 

[Achlys]

I did that at 20. I said 10 more years because 20 is still young.

How'd that turn out?

 

[Weebster]

How'd that turn out?

Not terrible until my late 20s when i developed a rare disease

 

[Achlys]

Not terrible until my late 20s when i developed a rare disease

Sorry to hear that.

 

[Weebster]

Sorry to hear that.

And now I'm in my 30s and I've run out of things to do. I watched tons of movies and tv and read a lot in my 20s. Can't work so i just stay home.

 

[Achlys]

And now I'm in my 30s and I've run out of things to do. I watched tons of movies and tv and read a lot in my 20s. Can't work so i just stay home.

I'm having a hard time attending my classes, so I've been home a lot too. My otherwise decent attendance has been awfully sullied this semester. I haven't attended class for a few consecutive days this week, among other frequent absences each week. Academics aren't why I want to ctb, but it certainly doesn't help.

Anyhow, have any books stood out over the years? I read to ignore my troubles.

 

[Weebster]

I'm having a hard time attending my classes, so I've been home a lot too. My otherwise decent attendance has been awfully sullied this semester. I haven't attended class for a few consecutive days this week, among other frequent absences each week. Academics aren't why I want to ctb, but it certainly doesn't help.

Anyhow, have any books stood out over the years? I read to ignore my troubles.

When I was 20, I was so depressed that I ended up fat for a year and did bad in school. But I did great a few years later. Life isn't static.

Brave New World, Down and Out in Paris and London, Crime and Punishment, The Idiot, The Brothers Karamazov, Les Miserables, Frankenstein, Fahrenheit 451, Steppenwolf, Foundation Trilogy by Asimov, The Stranger by Camus

I've read more but these were memorable reads.

 

[FuneralCry]

Things have only gotten worse for me over the years, I wish that I left this world at an earlier date. I am also tired of living. I am glad that I have no hope as I think that hope only leads to more suffering. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do and I hope you find relief from your pain.

 

[Achlys]

Things have only gotten worse for me over the years, I wish that I left this world at an earlier date. I am also tired of living. I am glad that I have no hope as I think that hope only leads to more suffering. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do and I hope you find relief from your pain.

I've often found myself wishing my hope would vanish already. Then, maybe I could leave earlier. Thank you for your kind words.