Venting relapse (scattered vent)

[author]

(Warning for self-harm talk and descriptions if anyone is uncomfortable with that).

For the past year or two my self-harm attempts have only been tiny cuts. I've been resisting the urge to go any deeper for a while and kept it minimalized.

Last night, though, I just couldn't fucking take it. My arm is fucked and I'm just glad it's finally getting cold outside or I wouldn't be able to hide this. I'm in big trouble if anyone in my family finds out, I refuse to let them lock me up again for being sad. That'd be living hell all over again.

For some reason, it feels like it's not enough. Even though my arm is fucked up with a bunch of cuts, and it bled a lot, it feels like it's not enough. I'm a fucking useless, broke, tired person. I lost the last of my money trying to buy myself a birthday gift only to essentially get a spit in the face, metaphorically. Even though it was only 50 dollars, it was all I had left, and I won't be able to make the money back for a long time because no one will hire a useless piece of shit like me even with the supposed "labor shortage" - and I've tried EVERYWHERE. No one wants to hire someone who's disabled. And no, online jobs haven't panned out either. I've tried literally everything I can think of from traditional jobs, freelance work, Etsy shop - but no one would hire me, and I lost everything. I don't have the money to make more money.

I can't do anything to get myself out of this shitty situation. I don't have the courage to die yet, and I don't have the resources or will to live. I feel like I need to punish myself, relieve some stress on myself, something, but it feels like it's gonna be an endless loop that I don't have enough bandages for (and no money to buy more bandages, haha...).

I want the pain, I want the scars, but it also makes me feel more shame about myself for some reason. I hate myself so I cut, but I hate that I cut, so I punish myself by cutting more, endless loop. Endless downward spiral.

I don't know. I don't know anymore. People keep saying it'll get better. It isn't. I'm just wasting away. My mind's so fucking scattered lately.

 

[FuneralCry]

It is painful when things are hopeless. It really is horrible being alive. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best.

 

[obliviousatbest]

You're not alone in your suffering. Im also relapsing and covering it, broke as hell getting excited about ordering fucking self adhesive bandages as a treat, dissociating from this insane melancholy cycle. It's so hard to keep going when the world offers you no sign of progress despite you desperately trying and pushing for better. Wishing you find peace and freedom from your pain, whichever way

 

[author]

It is painful when things are hopeless. It really is horrible being alive. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best.

Thank you, I wish you the best as well.

You're not alone in your suffering. Im also relapsing and covering it, broke as hell getting excited about ordering fucking self adhesive bandages as a treat, dissociating from this insane melancholy cycle. It's so hard to keep going when the world offers you no sign of progress despite you desperately trying and pushing for better. Wishing you find peace and freedom from your pain, whichever way

I feel that. I have bandaids, but none of them are big enough to actually cover the surface area. I'd be really excited to afford proper bandages as well, haha... I'm glad you were able to get some. I wish you the best, too.