Recurrent depression/chronic suicidality

[poisonsalad]

I'm dreading its return.

I have recurrent depressive episodes lasting anywhere from a week to a month. I get breaks, lasting a few weeks to a few months.
There are massive differences between normal me and depression me. I'm lucky that my episodes are short and not constant, but they hit HARD.

I have a lot of hobbies that I love. When I'm depressed I don't give half a shit about any of them, because nothing is fun. Breathing is painful, feels like my organs have been scooped out. Thinking hurts even more, because everything reminds me that I'm a shit person. Imagine being stuck with the person you hate the most in the entire world 24/7. It feels unbearable. I try to escape myself in the only way possible, which is obviously death.

But then as I'm sitting in my bed with a stomach full of poison I suddenly see colors again. The fear kicks in and I call for help.
I don't want to die. Not ever. I just sometimes wish I didn't have to experience life through me. Because when I'm depressed I'm convinced I'm the worst person to ever exist. And that "knowledge" is so fucking painful.

I'm not depressed right now. It's really nice, finding things fun, being productive and being able to stand myself even though I know I'm not perfect.

I somehow feel played, though. Why do I only get a taste of being a semi-functioning human being? Why do I find footing, only for it to crumble beneath my feet? My whole world keeps collapsing for absolutely no reason. Why do I have to rebuild myself again and again?

I want to recover. It's a long road ahead.

 

[stillunemployed]

I relate.
Im in my downturn now. I hate every breath.

My cycles can last years. Be in a dark hole, get angry, get some energy and then trip myself and fall into my dark hole again.
I was supposed to get into healthy habits, but i guess now i'll just sleep through an entire week.

I suppose i could just be annoying cunt and stick my head very far up my ass and just force people to tolerate my antics and then hate myself the next moment.

I need help.

 

[thx1138]

Your message is so touching. I can also relate to that feeling of being "the worst person in the world."

Hey, we can't all be "the worst", right? Ha-ha. So maybe try to see it from that perspective. Your mind is simply lying to you. You can't always control it, but maybe, just maybe, when you are in a depressed state, you can look back on what you wrote here and why despite everything there is still a reason to keep trying.

I know it doesn't mean anything from a stranger on the internet, but I admire your honesty and your bravery for sharing this. And I admire your courage and your hobbies. I wish I had some hobbies and that I was able to be functional, at least some of the time. You have achieved more than most, honestly. And you should give yourself credit for that.

No matter what happens, I hope for the best for you. You deserve it.