🌻Recovery Journal — Giving Life One Last Chance & Giving It All I Got

[red_cardinal]

Entry #13

I wish things were easier and intentions would translate to actions more clearly. I wish I didn't feel negative emotions so intensely that it impacts the person I love. I'm heartbroken right now, and angry at myself for failing to offer him the peaceful, harmonious environment we'd imagined together. I'm angry at myself for being wired in such a complicated, impractical way. I thought once you love someone and they love you back, things would be easy... The progress I've made so far is too little to make a difference, and I'm disillusioned. I don't know if I'll ever recover, if I'll ever be free of burden, with struggles that don't impact my and our life.

For what it's worth, I'm still here.

 

[sonummy]

i'm so glad you're still here!
and i get every word… but as long as we're still here we have a chance to make it better :) hopefully. this is my favorite thread on here. i truly wish you all the best <3

 

[red_cardinal]

i'm so glad you're still here!
and i get every word… but as long as we're still here we have a chance to make it better :) hopefully. this is my favorite thread on here. i truly wish you all the best <3

Aww, thank you I appreciate it, and I hope you're okay, too. I'm better right now and will post an update these days.

 

[StupiderJuniper]

hi!!! i really hope your days will get better, i'm glad you are doing better now :3

 

[judestfrancis]

Your journal makes me very happy, I'm glad youre chugging along!! You're doing the best you can and thats all that matters!!!
C-PTSD really is the worst, it makes every little emotion feel like a wildfire when it's really just a fireplace. Youre doing really well though! I'm glad youre still here :) remember to be a happy plant, drink water and soak in a bit of sunshine.

 

[red_cardinal]

Your journal makes me very happy, I'm glad youre chugging along!! You're doing the best you can and thats all that matters!!!
C-PTSD really is the worst, it makes every little emotion feel like a wildfire when it's really just a fireplace. Youre doing really well though! I'm glad youre still here :) remember to be a happy plant, drink water and soak in a bit of sunshine.

Thank you so much for your kind words I appreciate it more than I can express, and messages like yours keep me going.

hi!!! i really hope your days will get better, i'm glad you are doing better now :3

Thank you Things are better right now, fortunately.

 

[Mrs. T-800]

>The progress I've made so far is too little to make a difference, and I'm disillusioned.
On the contrary, you have to start somewhere. I remember being in school and a friend did very poorly on a test, like, 17%. She said, well, that's seventeen points above zero... and! You are still calling it as progress – the framing is important – as well as saying it is only so far. So, there is more to come. Don't lose the hope.
How about for this: "I'm making progress at a speed I can process right now." I'm not a fan of the whole "I'm doing the most I can with the most I have right now" ideology, because I know and accept that I am not always following that (aka/ being lazy or shortcutting), but this way, there is grace for the levels of speed and amount of progress. They say healing is not linear. So long as there is an upwards trend, I think you are well.

I was thinking of you. Thank you for being here. Stay with us, please.
Or as beloved Arnie says:

 

[red_cardinal]

Entry #14

Things have improved a little, and I'm catching a break from overwhelming, negative, suffocating emotions. I keep going to kinetotherapy, though it's become quite a chore. I'm at that point in my neurodivergent mind where doing anything as a routine is felt like a huge weight, a chore, the most indesirable thing. It's frustrating, but I'm pushing through it because I know it will benefit me long-term. I still have 10 weeks of kineto to go, I did 2

The heat wave here is terrible Fortunately it's not as scorching as in other parts of Europe, but combined with my antidepressants, which make me more sensitive to heat, and my sensory sensitivities, it's affecting me more than in past years.

The past week, I've had more success than I thought with offering tarot readings in a local FB group, and I'm grateful I was able to contribute a little to our finances (my partner's and I) I renewed my post, and I hope next week will be productive, too.

I'm not my best emotionally, but I'm doing better, and I keep advancing along this exhausting journey. I'm dizzy and nauseous from heat, my muscles are sore from yesterday's workout, I have emotional flashbacks, but hopefully 3-4 months from now, I'll notice some more progress.

Today. I rewatched one of my comfort movies, Midsommar (2019).

 

[Mrs. T-800]

Good job on the kinetotherapy, yippee! Are you able to break up the routine at all, so it's not as bad? Take an alternate route there, treat yourself to something after, etc.?
It's a big start though. That's wonderful.

I keep worrying about Europe. It's so scary, how hot is it there. I imagine if you can, put some metal utensils in the freezer, I'm sure it'll feel so good to take out and press on your skin when it's at the worst.
It's just abysmal how the situation is.

Slow progress is progress, but, from the outside, it seems to me you're making it more quickly than you credit yourself with!
I don't do tarot, but if you ever can do past life readings, I'm very interested.
The art on those cards is quite pretty.

Keep up the good work, my cardinal pal and pinniped gal

 

[red_cardinal]

Good job on the kinetotherapy, yippee! Are you able to break up the routine at all, so it's not as bad? Take an alternate route there, treat yourself to something after, etc.?
It's a big start though. That's wonderful.

I keep worrying about Europe. It's so scary, how hot is it there. I imagine if you can, put some metal utensils in the freezer, I'm sure it'll feel so good to take out and press on your skin when it's at the worst.
It's just abysmal how the situation is.

Slow progress is progress, but, from the outside, it seems to me you're making it more quickly than you credit yourself with!
I don't do tarot, but if you ever can do past life readings, I'm very interested.
The art on those cards is quite pretty.

Keep up the good work, my cardinal pal and pinniped gal

Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragements Uh, the kineto center is literally a few steps out my door, in the building I live in, but I think I'll use your idea to treat myself or do something else afterward. I need to break the routine a little.

It is concerning, the heat, it was 29 degrees C today, they say it might be 33 on Monday I don't remember the temperatures being so crazy in June, it's definitely terrifying. The cooled utensils might prove useful for relief, thanks!

Thank you again, and I hope you're doing well, too Unfortunately I don't do past lives readings, just intermediate tarot readings for now :)

 

[red_cardinal]

Entry #15

Things have been okay-ish for the past days, yet I struggle with the chronic emptiness I've always felt. I feel deserted and I have no idea in what I could find solace. Or, at least, find solace in something healthy, uplifting, nourishing. It seems that I'm not naturally inclined to direct my energy and sense of purpose to something that's not a coping mechanism. My go-to drive is for superficial things like better looks, earning money, thinking that these will fulfill me, but neither of these offer the solace I'm craving. They're just reasons for seeking validation, praise, approval, and while they could make my life more comfortable, I'd still feel hollow on the inside. I'm not naïve enough to be fulfilled by religion, spirituality, conspiracy theories, or what have you...

I don't know how to find my peace right now, but I'd probably feel what I'm craving if I were successful with tarot readings, handmade stuff, crafts, art, baking, writing... But I have no network, I don't know how to advertise myself, people don't seem interested, I'm overlooked... I refrain from wallowing in pain as much as possible, but the truth is, I'm not an agreeable or attractive person, I'm awkward, give off vibes, I'm slow or mute in social settings, I'm autistic, and people lose their patience with me or shun me. As much as I try to not be a negative Nancy, no matter how hard I try or how much I try to go with the flow, I feel like running in circles

Also, I believe authentic, genuine, uninterested human connection besides my partner would fulfill me, laughing with a friend, going on adventures, hanging out and talking, but I'm too inept to keep a friendship, and I just cannot connect to most people. The only people whom I had long friendships with were also neurodivergent, I suspect, but now they went on with their lives. It makes me feel too broken and left behind. I can barely relate to most people because I'm not neurotypical, I'm not heterosexual, I'm not desiring what most people do and I'm too inept to engage in alternative things (hobby groups, volunteering etc.), I'm childfree by choice, I'm vegan, unrmployed, get overwhelmed easily... I feel like I can try anything (almost), yet nothing it for me, nothing makes me feel like I belong and like I'm a normal person. I'm grateful for my partner, but I fear I'll have to find the solace I need after a looong, inner journey in my psyche. Right now, I don't even know where the path is...

I'm here, still standing Rice with sticky tofu from a few days ago