Venting Realizing I'm A Horribly Draining Person

[oniichan]

I don't know how to put this, I just want to put this. One of my biggest issues is my obsessive personality, and how idiotically I behave when under stress. I get hooked on people and obsess over them and I hurt them and hurt everyone. I already plan to CTB in the next 2 years, but I continue to harm those who surround me daily like an absolute fool. I just wish I had the balls to do it, but my most recent attempt was so horrible it left me incredibly sick and shaken and I even thinking about it worries me to no end.

I think it's horrible realizing just how much of a worm you really are. I have finally fully realized I am a total waste, and it has brought me genuinely no catharsis. I just need it all to stop. I am not making much sense in typing this, but I'm just so stressed out right now and I don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone, but I need to be before I CTB and I definitely deserve to be with how I've been behaving. I just want to stop hurting.

I don't feel like I've gotten it all out, but I have no idea wherre to go from here. I should just stop, but I can't. I can't stop. I need to, and I can't. I wish I was just normal, for fucksake. I wish I wasn't hurt so much as a child, and I wish I never spoke to all the people I spoke to, who all lead to how fucked up I am now. I used to be happy and normal. There was a period of time in my life, when I was just a child, but still a period in my life where I wasn't so traumatized and wasn't so miserable or hypersexual or, blankly, idiotic. I want to be a normal girl. I just want to be normal. I want to be able to deal with stress normally. I want to have no answer and be okay with it. I want to be able to wait on someone, and not be terrified of the idea of them leaving me alone by myself. I want to be okay with just my thoughts. I want to be able to sit, and think, and not feel all this terror and stress and fear. I want to sleep alone by myself at night and not be afraid. I don't want to be so scared anymore. I just want it all to stop.

And, I'm angry. I'm so upset with everything. I'm mad at how my life ended up, and I'm mad at everyone for being so cruel to me. I'm mad at myself for not being tolerant of it all, and I'm mad I will never be able to have any reprieve. These scars will haunt me forever, and so will all the memories and all of the hurt. I must have been a very bad person in my past life.

 

[meowpuppy]

so relatable, but i don't think it's my fault, i think people just don't know how to talk to or be around people like me. i don't know if i'm hypersexual per se but i'm also suffering from being way more lustful than the average person. unfortunately, i've given up the prospect of being a normal girl, and not just because i'm trans. it's just not in the cards for me lol

 

[oniichan]

so relatable, but i don't think it's my fault, i think people just don't know how to talk to or be around people like me. i don't know if i'm hypersexual per se but i'm also suffering from being way more lustful than the average person. unfortunately, i've given up the prospect of being a normal girl, and not just because i'm trans. it's just not in the cards for me lol

It's really unfortunate and difficult living as someone who isn't normal, isn't it? I wonder if there will ever be any catharsis at all.

 

[FF777]

first of all what ever has happened in your life isn't due to any sort of negative karma you are having to burn off (not sure how serious you were about your previous life quip there at the end).. but the things that happen to us while we are growing up can cause us to develop permanent complexes that stay with us to some degree for the rest of our lives, which kind of sucks..

my half-sister has an inferiority complex because her mom she grew up with neglected her.. it's kind of sad because she is this really attractive person and every thing but she doesn't feel very high-worth or have high confidence because of that type of upbringing..

i think it is mentally healthy to have fairly high confidence in your self, so i hope you don't continue to think too lowly of your self, and i hope that you can understand that what ever transgressed in your life when you were a child isn't really your fault.. like how much blame can you put on a child exactly..

as far as you hurting people now, just the fact that you are regretful of it shows desire to change, and so at least you see the problem(s) that you want to work on.. i used to pout a lot at people and when they pissed me off i would just drag every thing down in to this spiral of pouting where i wanted to just make every thing as bad of a train wreck as possible.... but i always ended up regretting it afterwards because it ended up hurting me and hurting them.. and so it took a lot of years of me having to consciously stop my self before i do some thing to some one that i'm going to end up regretting again.. i learned that that isn't the type of relationship i want to have with a person.. so these days i try to see me and other people as a team and if there are things we disagree on then i try to understand where the disagreement is happening exactly so we don't end up fighting for stupid reasons.. it really takes some strength to stand there in the heat of an argument and keep focus on the bigger picture and try to guide things towards a resolution that ends up helping and not hurting.. it isn't always easy to do that, but it is a change i wanted to make in my self, and so by god i did it.. and i hardly ever pout very much any more at people.. and so if you want to see those same similar types of changes in your self then if the desire is there it is possible.. the will MAKES the way.... desire is a powerful thing..

i'm not sure what your reasons are for wanting to CTB some day (well besides all the tons of reasons you listed i guess), but if you are physically healthy and don't have any permanent illnesses or diseases then you might try living for a bit longer and just see what happens.. hopefully the worst days are behind you i hope, and i hope you have some good friends you can confide in or hang out with or some thing, even if maybe they are mostly internet friends.. real life friends do help a lot though.. and hopefully you have some family members that aren't piles of crap that you can get support from if you need it.. and you might play games already any way but games can be a nice distraction and gives you some thing fun to do and kind of a project to work on.. they help me a little bit any way..

any way, i'm glad you were able to transmute some of your feelings in to words on here and let people like my self kind of know what you are going through a little.. i hope my yap here helps a little and i know i yap at length but that's just kind of my style because i always have a lot of thoughts going through my huge brain here all the time, but i hope you can get some type of solace from this and being on this site in general..

i'll stop yapping for now, but feel free to expound on any thing else you want to if that's what you feel like doing..
take good care of your self..
love and light..

 

[interna]

ough. so true

 

[Getting0FoidsDaily]

i can relate its brutal