Venting Reaching my breaking point

[erdbeeren]

I have planned my ctb date to be the early morning of March 28, 2022. I want to make sure everything is in order before I go.

My life isn't worth living. Never was and never will be. I only exist to serve as a money-making tool for others. No one can understand me. Nothing brings me joy anymore. I either feel apathetic or explosive with anger and despair.

I lament over my childhood so much. I long for the days when I could enjoy activities without thoughts of "all of this is pointless". I wish I didn't have to deal with my derealisation. I hate my disgusting body. The once creative, innocent kid had been raped by society to the point they are unrecognizable.

Drugs can't cure enlightenment. Increasing the dose will only change my body's chemicals to make me live an illusion. So I'm left at a crossroad. Either I continue my miserable life for possibly decades or I take matters into my own hands. Based on the tone of this post, you can figure out which one I choose.

 

[theguineapigking]

I completely understand what you mean…at least I think I do.

Is the way you feel about your looks and the way that you feel about being a wage slave, the primary reasons that you want to ctb? Is the derealization a byproduct of all that? I have derealization too, along with depersonalization and major anxiety.


So you believe that by taking antidepressants, you would essentially be "tricked" into living in this miserable world? If so, that is EXACTLY how I used to feel and still feel that for the most part. My parents had to practically beg me to try Zoloft before I gave in, because I thought it would trick me into thinking that life is better than it is.


Life is much worse than most people seem to think. But maybe there is hope for you yet…is there any part of you that wants to live, or someone(or people) that gives you any encouragement and desire to try?

I wish I could just fix this world. I wish I could snap my fingers and make you happy and no longer in pain. I'm so sorry for your suffering. This world has really gone downhill in a capitalist sense. Wage slavery is really bad right now, and depression can be debilitating enough to destroy you. Perhaps if you tried lexapro(currently what I'm on), it would help you. Or lithium…I just state these because my brother takes both and has been helped tremendously by them. But I'm not trying to preach life to you or anything. It simply could help to make life more bearable while you are still here(that's what my mom tells me… that's her logic).

I also have anger issues. I have thrown my Xbox console against the wall and broken my phone and PlayStation remotes and Apple Watch(I never take out my anger in people just to be clear). It's really hard to have to deal with rage. I'm sorry you have this too. As for being apathetic, depression is a *****.
I wish you the best in the meantime. I'm here if you need to chat a bit.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand, it is such a dreadful feeling when every day is painful. I know it is hard to carry on when everything is hopeless. I hope you find freedom from all suffering, I wish you the best.