I measured and separated my SN months ago. I have my benzos. I have no reason to keep going.
I wanted to CTB before the end of 2021, and yet here I am on the second month of 2022 still kicking. What sucks I I'm only now realizing that no person could ever be enough to make someone stay if they had already decided to go. I met someone who distracted me well enough to forget I no longer wanted to live, at least for most of the day. But at night my mind always went back to thoughts of my inevitable end. I recognize a person is not enough to make you want to stay when you've decided long ago that you're incapable of moving past the thought of death. No happy moment spent with anyone can ever equate to the pain it feels to still wake up every morning. But I didn't want to hurt him.. or anyone. I still don't. But to what extent am I going to be able to prolong the inevitable? I don't think there will ever be a final push that'll lead me to actually end it. I just have to go.
I wanted to CTB before the end of 2021, and yet here I am on the second month of 2022 still kicking. What sucks I I'm only now realizing that no person could ever be enough to make someone stay if they had already decided to go. I met someone who distracted me well enough to forget I no longer wanted to live, at least for most of the day. But at night my mind always went back to thoughts of my inevitable end. I recognize a person is not enough to make you want to stay when you've decided long ago that you're incapable of moving past the thought of death. No happy moment spent with anyone can ever equate to the pain it feels to still wake up every morning. But I didn't want to hurt him.. or anyone. I still don't. But to what extent am I going to be able to prolong the inevitable? I don't think there will ever be a final push that'll lead me to actually end it. I just have to go.
