Bitterman1996
Student
- May 20, 2020
- 172
"life isn't cured, it's managed"
And I'm a bad manager.
I wish I could just drop dead without further consequences, and I assume many of you wish to do the same. I don't know if I'm getting better or worse, I'm "young" but whether it's back then or now, the future looks really bleak. Everything costs so much, education cost so much. I can't stand talking to my family because they expect too much out of me and just reminded me how I failed them by failing college--of which I am still angry about, why did you let a depressed, ignorant 15 yo to apply for expensive as shit university program, when there's so many other options. There's even scholarships. I don't know how I should even feel at them . It's been so long yet I feel I'm still the same clueless child, I wanted to like them as a person, but I feel they see everything but me. I feel they expect something that isn't me.
I don't have many friends, and the one that stayed honestly I'm afraid of the time when they might leave too. As I dont have much to offer, as a person or otherwise. I'm just a dumb socially awkward person as people have said--first one to say it was my older sibling but honestly why I'm even born. Unplanned pregnancy and huge age gap with sibling. There's no one that needs my existence, I'm being dramatic but it does feels that way. I feel guilty for feeling really bad today, and honestly i don't want to kill myself with this kind of thought. I'm tired of living, I'm tired of managing it. I wish I hadn't been born. Sorry this is way too long and ranty, I was scrolling over internet (twitte\rredit) stupidly thinks there's something that would alleviate my feelings rn. It's dumb but I still feel bad posting this kind of rant here, I'm dumb.
Going to try not to give up for now though. I don't know, I want to try harder but I feel it won't be enough, is it... suicide feels inevitable.
And I'm a bad manager.
I wish I could just drop dead without further consequences, and I assume many of you wish to do the same. I don't know if I'm getting better or worse, I'm "young" but whether it's back then or now, the future looks really bleak. Everything costs so much, education cost so much. I can't stand talking to my family because they expect too much out of me and just reminded me how I failed them by failing college--of which I am still angry about, why did you let a depressed, ignorant 15 yo to apply for expensive as shit university program, when there's so many other options. There's even scholarships. I don't know how I should even feel at them . It's been so long yet I feel I'm still the same clueless child, I wanted to like them as a person, but I feel they see everything but me. I feel they expect something that isn't me.
I don't have many friends, and the one that stayed honestly I'm afraid of the time when they might leave too. As I dont have much to offer, as a person or otherwise. I'm just a dumb socially awkward person as people have said--first one to say it was my older sibling but honestly why I'm even born. Unplanned pregnancy and huge age gap with sibling. There's no one that needs my existence, I'm being dramatic but it does feels that way. I feel guilty for feeling really bad today, and honestly i don't want to kill myself with this kind of thought. I'm tired of living, I'm tired of managing it. I wish I hadn't been born. Sorry this is way too long and ranty, I was scrolling over internet (twitte\rredit) stupidly thinks there's something that would alleviate my feelings rn. It's dumb but I still feel bad posting this kind of rant here, I'm dumb.
Going to try not to give up for now though. I don't know, I want to try harder but I feel it won't be enough, is it... suicide feels inevitable.
