Venting ranting about psychiatrist

[CareLessMeaningLess]

I just need to rant, sorry if it is hard to understand.

I have had semi regular meetings for the last 10 months or so and I just feel like that she doesn't care and I feel like that I can't actually say anything to serious due to the threat of me going to the hospital. The only thing that she can or want to do is to give me some light anti deppresant. It's like she thinks that I have some brain fog that can be cleared. I have been depressed, lonely with social anxiety and self hatred for over a decade and she thinks that all of that can be alleviated with some drug. She knows how long I have been feeling like this and it took her months and 3-4 meetings to even consider that I should see a psychologist.

A day ago she sent me with some meeting with a doctor (not the psychologist) and I don't know the reason for it. So anyway I go to the meeting and the first question he asks is "What do you think that we can do for you?" ?????? What do you want me to say?! That I hate myself. That I have been feeling soo lonely for soo long that I want to die. Or is it that thoughts about CTB is just a constant. It is not something that pops up it is just there, nagging at the back of my mind. I can't just pick and choose any one of these. Besides I don't know what you can do even if I can perfectly explain my problems.
I just felt like my brain was exploding. Then he asks me if I can go back to work. The workplace were I felt worthless. The workplace that no matter how nice the people were I just felt like a outsider. Is this all you want from me? You don't want me to feel better, you just want me out of your system because I am too much of a bother. He asked several other questions like if I wanted to go back to the hospital or go back to taking meds. But I just want anyone to actually try and engage with my problems not just to try and leave me off in some empty room.

I left that appointment feeling worse. Thinking that just should CTB that day since clearly no one wants to deal with me. I didn't CTB, I am too much of a coward and I still want to watch some shows before leaving. But I hate this during the entire meeting it felt like I was being judged. Every meeting with some doctor always feel like that they look down on me. Is it because I am autistic, because why do you look at me with those eyes?

 

[littlepup159]

I just don't go to psychologist and go to psychiatrist only for my adhd meds. It is a waste of time. Nobody really want to help you only to excercise the power that they have over you. It will just destroy your confidence and you will get more submissive against abusers. Here I want to quote one post from reddit:

Mental health care is a power structure disguised as help.

Everything you say will be used to frame and manipulate you.

Society is terrified of people made less predictable by trauma, anxiety, depression and distress. So it manages them: manipulates them, drugs them, labels them, steers them and calls it "treatment."

No one needs to know your story unless you need welfare or something. The more you tell others, the more you will be sucked into a fight over the narrative.

 

[Fadenself00_]

I just don't go to psychologist and go to psychiatrist only for my adhd meds. It is a waste of time. Nobody really want to help you only to excercise the power that they have over you. It will just destroy your confidence and you will get more submissive against abusers. Here I want to quote one post from reddit:

Unfortunately that is correct. There are only a small handful of shrinks who actually care and want to help; And the only ones like that are the ones actively criticizing psych meds and the system. All the other ones will have some sort of irrational narrative eventually due to an inevitable conflict of interest

 

[FluffIsJustice]

In my experience, there is a bit of a common opinion that a lot of people have but rarely talk about. This opinion is about people who are known not to work. They assume they get the money required to live from social services, which are funded through tax payers. So they sort of see those people as leeches on their wallet (since they have to pay tax - it often shows up when tax money is used where the taxpayers don't think it is necessary, with a sentiment of why are you wasting my money, I worked so hard to obtain it). They do not do that with everyone though, excluded are mainly people where you can clearly see from the outside that they need it (like if someone is in a wheelchair) or when they know about why they need it (then they understand).
So I'd guess it was just a snap judgement from a stranger who doesn't know you at all, and a lot of people like to make these sorts of snap judgements (they usually don't even realize they are doing it).

If you are feeling lonely, should I tell you how I usually manage loneliness? Chances are that you'd already know, so I hope I'm not too bothersome, but maybe it might help... I'd also appreciate it if you told me how you do it, as I might learn something

 

[CareLessMeaningLess]

Unfortunately that is correct. There are only a small handful of shrinks who actually care and want to help; And the only ones like that are the ones actively criticizing psych meds and the system. All the other ones will have some sort of irrational narrative eventually due to an inevitable conflict of interest

I feel like if I don't go to them then family,friends and general society will think that I haven't tried to get better. But I have fought for years alone and I don't want people to think that I didn't try.

 

[littlepup159]

I feel like if I don't go to them then family,friends and general society will think that I haven't tried to get better. But I have fought for years alone and I don't want people to think that I didn't try.

You could just lie to them lol and move on. You will not get better with flawed abusive system. Go read something for fun, magazines etc. Or you can have a reading interest in marxism would help you to understood the power dynamics and the abusive system. It helped me to untrap myself.

 

[CareLessMeaningLess]

In my experience, there is a bit of a common opinion that a lot of people have but rarely talk about. This opinion is about people who are known not to work. They assume they get the money required to live from social services, which are funded through tax payers. So they sort of see those people as leeches on their wallet (since they have to pay tax - it often shows up when tax money is used where the taxpayers don't think it is necessary, with a sentiment of why are you wasting my money, I worked so hard to obtain it). They do not do that with everyone though, excluded are mainly people where you can clearly see from the outside that they need it (like if someone is in a wheelchair) or when they know about why they need it (then they understand).
So I'd guess it was just a snap judgement from a stranger who doesn't know you at all, and a lot of people like to make these sorts of snap judgements (they usually don't even realize they are doing it).

If you are feeling lonely, should I tell you how I usually manage loneliness? Chances are that you'd already know, so I hope I'm not too bothersome, but maybe it might help... I'd also appreciate it if you told me how you do it, as I might learn something

You don't have feel like you are being bother, please do tell. Though I am afraid that I might not have any healthy tips for dealing with loneliness. Sorry

 

[Fadenself00_]

You could just lie to them lol and move on. You will not get better with flawed abusive system. Go read something for fun, magazines etc. Or you can have a reading interest in marxism would help you to understood the power dynamics and the abusive system. It helped me to untrap myself.

From my experience, the best thing to do is white lie + grey rock method. Aka. only tell partially the truth so it's genuine, and appear as uninteresting and boring as possible. Also try to appear as neurotypical as possible (talking hairstyle, clothes etc.) <- If we are talking about an acute abusive situation you otherwise cant get out of

 

[CareLessMeaningLess]

You could just lie to them lol and move on. You will not get better with flawed abusive system. Go read something for fun, magazines etc. Or you can have a reading interest in marxism would help you to understood the power dynamics and the abusive system. It helped me to untrap myself.

I could and when thing get uncomfortable I do. I might take you up on it if I don't CTB by then end of september.

 

[FluffIsJustice]

Don't worry, the only ways I know aren't all that healthy either, considering some of the consequences (for me, being able to get a break makes it worth it despite that)

So I'll start with non-social stuff, in case your like me and you find social stuff to be on nightmare difficulty level...
For me, distraction helps not with solving any issues, but with passing time (making it bearable). Have you ever heard about the flow state? Like when you are so focused on something that everything else just fades away (technically its also supposed to make you happy, never happens with me at least, but I guess for me forgetting everything is as close as I can get to happiness). That always helps me take a break. I usually use books or games to achieve it, but it has to be about something that interests me to work. Some negatives that came from it though - one was that I was considered to be a gaming addict before (seeing my behavior at times, I am a bit addicted to it mentally, so do keep that in mind in case you want to try it). And I started some multiplayer game (cuz I wanted to know what it's like to play in a team) and ended up reading this: "your so bad at this game, you should kill yourself" (was sent to me after the match, I found it really ironic lmao)(after which I explained why he had to wait a bit for that to happen, but the dude never read it, only said it was too long to bother reading. whelp). I remember some dying games with small userbases are very friendly to newcomers, but if toxicity is an issue then playing by yourself might be better for other games. Also, both reading and games can be done for free on the phone, in case money or a computer are an issue.
As you said your autistic, maybe your special interest might be of aid here, in case you have one. Dependingly, you might even be able to earn money with it, solving the 'how to get you into a job again' issue that people put a huge focus on. (since the previous job doesn't seem to have worked out well for you)

Other than that, there is also talking to yourself to hear a voice, but I guess everone here does that....

So then the social stuff
One thing I noticed is that I still feel lonely when I can't contribute to the conversation at all (then I just stand around randomly and analyse useless stuff, like what I mentioned in my post above, that's the result of one such session). I heard that that is less of an issue in certain interest-based gatherings, where everyone shares the same interest and talks about that. I can attest though that having an online friend with whom I talked about the game we were playing at the time really helped me, and didn't make me feel lonely either during the conversation. Non-interest based conversations don't make me feel lonely if I can actually participate (and as such feel included? probably). Compliments always help, like if someone has fan merch items, you can mention to them how cool they are and they'll talk about it no problem. Approaching is really difficult though, which is why I only managed a few times after breaking it into smaller tasks / excercises (they weren't as impossible to achieve, the start was to tell someone that the paper on the back of their shirt was sticking out. I needed like 3 tries to succeed as I just couldn't physically get any words out, by that point the dude had almost left as I was so slow ). Rituals like agreeing to eat together once a month (whatever is comfortable) or planning something (doesn't have to be fancy, like getting coffee or watching a movie is already enough (its possible for both to be at home and on a call, same movie on screen and start at the same time), then you can ask about what has been going on in their life in the meantime. And friendship groups are... too difficult for me .

Pets haven't been that much of a help for me, as they only seek me out for food lmao (and if try to hug them for comfort, it doesn't take long for them to demand to be let go with a 'unhand me hooman' subtitle)

Never been to a psychiatrist, but Ive been to 2 therapists. The first was clearly overwhelmed (she had to do a risk assessment, but started crying at the slightest mention of suicide and couldn't do it - I couldn't help but think she was doing the wrong job) and couldn't do it properly (I found out later that she's famous for being the worst therapist the hospital has to offer, so probably no power trip there - that one just ended up in the wrong place). So second time around I tried hard to get a better one, which ended up being more interested in others life I mentioned for context (and that one was supposed to be really good, so yeah). Point is that actually good therapists are rare. Also, as they (the ones working in the field) prefer not to force anything, if possible, so long as you mention not wanting to do anything right now because of xyz (feel free to fill in), it tends to be okay to talk. There is a resource about therapy in the recovery section, from someone who's quite experienced with the system and knows how to navigate it. But if the psychatrist doesn't help, it is possible (and better) to switch to another one (if there is another one around that you can switch to).