Sometimes I think about how it would be better for me to ctb when I feel good, rather than when I'm at my worst. In a way, I kind of don't want to wait until things get really bad. Then my mind won't even be able to decide things like "should I ctb" or "how should I ctb". I'll be either stuck in the horrible pain of being alive, or fuck up the ctb attempt from not thinking clearly due to being in horrible pain. Sometimes I think of ctb as just, a reasonable choice that I could make, if I so decided. I could "put my things in order" so to speak. But if I wait until I feel like absolute shit there is no way I will have the energy or motivation to put anything in order.
Then again...could I ever even ctb at all, except when I feel like it's my absolute last resort? I don't think so. I don't think I'd be able to. It's all well and good to picture it as this potential escape hatch that's there if I need it, but if I actually tried...what if I tried and realized I can't do it? That is too scary to contemplate.
Not to mention that I'd have to feel really, really bad to be able to put aside the horrible guilt I feel at the very idea. I think some people would be very deeply affected, in a negative way, if I was to ctb.
So as much as I wish I could depart from this life feeling good, it seems not to be feasible. The only nice way out I can imagine is if I die in my sleep of something random and outside of my control. Or maybe not in my sleep, but of something not too painful that would give me just enough time to put some of my things in order and say goodbye to the people I care about. But why is it that I waste time dreaming of ideal scenarios that will never happen?
Then again...could I ever even ctb at all, except when I feel like it's my absolute last resort? I don't think so. I don't think I'd be able to. It's all well and good to picture it as this potential escape hatch that's there if I need it, but if I actually tried...what if I tried and realized I can't do it? That is too scary to contemplate.
Not to mention that I'd have to feel really, really bad to be able to put aside the horrible guilt I feel at the very idea. I think some people would be very deeply affected, in a negative way, if I was to ctb.
So as much as I wish I could depart from this life feeling good, it seems not to be feasible. The only nice way out I can imagine is if I die in my sleep of something random and outside of my control. Or maybe not in my sleep, but of something not too painful that would give me just enough time to put some of my things in order and say goodbye to the people I care about. But why is it that I waste time dreaming of ideal scenarios that will never happen?
