Hey everyone. Even if you probably don't care, I've decided to give life a last chance. I have my ctb equipment ready at all times in case shit hits the fan, but I want to give it all I have one last fucking time.
Last year was very hard for me. I almost became homeless, dropped out of uni and lost my purpose. I went through a bad breakup and I cut off almost all ties to my former friends. I've been ruminating a lot, thinking about things I can't change and hating myself (rightly so imho) for the bad things I did.
Since the beginning of this week, I've been working out every single day. Sometimes its easier, sometimes not – quite often while doing some of these "good" things I am plagued by my own thoughts. They enter my mind when I lift weights, when I try to study etc. and I don't know what to do about that. This has caused me to fail my self improvement plans many of times before and I'm afraid that this may eventually become my downfall. Working out feels good though, even if it is only physical. I still need to find a solution for my psychological misery though.
I have mixed feelings about 2023. I didn't commit suicide (clearly) even though I was pretty close to some freight trains a bunch of times. I don't know how things will play out and it is a bit scary. My perspective on suicide changed a bit as well, especially because my previous girlfriend was/is heavily depressed. Thinking about the coulda shouldas almost robbed me of my sanity. I don't want anyone to be forced to keep going but damn, the pain...
We'll see how it goes. To say it in 50 cents words:
Get rich or die tryin'.
Last year was very hard for me. I almost became homeless, dropped out of uni and lost my purpose. I went through a bad breakup and I cut off almost all ties to my former friends. I've been ruminating a lot, thinking about things I can't change and hating myself (rightly so imho) for the bad things I did.
Since the beginning of this week, I've been working out every single day. Sometimes its easier, sometimes not – quite often while doing some of these "good" things I am plagued by my own thoughts. They enter my mind when I lift weights, when I try to study etc. and I don't know what to do about that. This has caused me to fail my self improvement plans many of times before and I'm afraid that this may eventually become my downfall. Working out feels good though, even if it is only physical. I still need to find a solution for my psychological misery though.
I have mixed feelings about 2023. I didn't commit suicide (clearly) even though I was pretty close to some freight trains a bunch of times. I don't know how things will play out and it is a bit scary. My perspective on suicide changed a bit as well, especially because my previous girlfriend was/is heavily depressed. Thinking about the coulda shouldas almost robbed me of my sanity. I don't want anyone to be forced to keep going but damn, the pain...
We'll see how it goes. To say it in 50 cents words:
Get rich or die tryin'.
