Venting Rambles from a depressed trans woman.

[Inner]

I am well aware that my suicide would destroy my family. Depression runs in the family, and my death would certainly trigger something. I am especially worried about my younger brother. We haven't had the best relationship being siblings and all, but he still loves me as a big sister. Hell my death would devastate every family member I know of.

I don't want to devastate my family, but I also don't want to live this life. I wish they all could find peace in my decision, but I know they won't. Maybe that's just life being life. You advocate for yourself and someone will always disagree. Am I truly obligated to deal with their feelings? I won't be there to see the aftermath.

I haven't caught a break since I was a damn kid. Something has always been going on inside my head. My first thoughts of suicide were at an early age (~10). I became obsessed with Christian doctrine and the fear of Hell. Combining that will sexual trauma, I came to the conclusion that I need to kill myself to be redeemed in the eyes of the Lord. And so that was my thought process for the next couple of years. I will need to die so I can go to Heaven. Eventually I stopped believing in Christianity. My OCD leeches onto everything I experience that I don't even know anymore what's truly me.

Being trans fucking sucks. Yeah everyone tells me I look like a woman, but I have such a hard time seeing it. Hell I can't even keep a clear idea of what my face looks like. It's always changing. Even though I'm at a decent point in my transition, I still hold onto what I lost in my childhood. Firstly I was an indoor kid, but when I realized I'm trans, oh boy, what a fucking mess that was. I missed out on so many moments a teenager is expected to experience. I didn't go to prom, or parties, or barely any social events all because my body got in the way. I couldn't let others see my grotesque body. There's so much irony in today. People tell me about my curves, boobs, face, etc, but I rarely feel secure in it, I feel that I'm not enough. Now I know how transitioning on HRT works, and I have many years of development ahead, but I don't even know if I'll make it to that point. The United States government is leeching more and more onto anti-trans rhetoric. What I fear more than social disapproval is the day that I can't even take HRT. I refuse to detransition into a man.

Society is so close to falling apart. Whether it's the industrial-military complex, loss of resources by overconsumption, etc. I really don't see me being able to enjoy life regardless if it's me being trans, governments and corporations fucking us over, or the decay brought on by human-induced pollution. There will always be something. We're far too gone in this era.

So I'm just done. I've been dealt bad cards. I hate myself, the government hates me, nations hate each other to the brink of nuclear devastation, and the active deconstruction of any remaining sense of quality-of-life. These are forces beyond powerful compared to me. I didn't ask to be born into this reality, and I'll sure as hell leave by my own will.

But fuck, I really don't want to devastate my family.

 

[DarkFriend.]

Thank you for sharing your feelings. This will always be a safe place for you to talk and share your thoughts. I am a huge supporter of trans people and trans rights. I have always defended and will always protect trans people. I know dysphoria is a real fucking bitch. I know it makes you want to crawl out of your own skin, and it can make you feel like you'll never be happy. I'm a cis male and I'm not going to pretend like I've dealt with exactly what you are dealing with, but I can relate to so many things that you say. I too was around the same age and dealt with Christian bullshit, for one.

I really know how you feel about not wanting to devastate your family, too. I know that the world seems bleak right now and that things aren't easy. The truth is that they will never be easy. And it is especially so for being trans. But you have made it this far, and you've had the courage and strength to persevere despite your hardships.

I just want you to know that there are people here that see you. I'm normally not the type to tell someone not to do it, but I fucking hate seeing my trans family continue to CTB. Please maybe consider for now continuing your journey and seeing if maybe you can be happy. Even if only just for a while. I know it's hard. But you deserve to see your development through, and to perhaps someday be happy.

It is people like you that help give me hope, and that massively help the trans community. We here on SS have to be here for each other because no one else certainly will.