I really understand as I'd never wish to exist, I find it deeply undesirable to exist at all, I'd always prefer to cease existing than suffer for the sake of it in this existence I always saw as so futile and unnecessary in the first place but of course more than anything I wish this existence was never imposed. Existence truly does feel like a terrible mistake to me, I personally see no value in being conscious in this cruel existence destined to decay and die anyway with no limit as to how much agony one can feel.