hate everything so much i really dont want to die but i just dont know what there is to do anymore
I feel you on that. Trust me, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. You don't
have to die if you don't want to; I promise you that, above all.
im sick of being myself, easily frustrated at every little thing.
I feel you on this. It's frustrating indeed; it's exhausting, it's tiring, it's difficult--know you're valid for feeling insuffered by that.
im such a pathetic sensitive snowflake
you're not pathetic <3 i promise you it's not your fault that you struggle so much, that you suffer so much--it's not your fault, i promise you that you're not pathetic for experiencing what you do <3
i dont know why i still try especially since i try and try harder every day but its still not enough, because im never not gonna be myself. im never not gonna be stuck in this body. i wish there was another way; live or die, and neither is a good option.
btw, have you ever listened to the song Bodysnatchers by Radiohead? it talks about feeling fucked-up stuck inside a body you want to get out of--I think it might help you make sense of your emotions more.
I really feel with you on the "neither is a good option" one. I want to tell you, that no matter how hopeless and fucked up things feel
right now--that there
are chances and ways in the future; or even just chances of ways or ways of chances--whichever may be.
i disappoint my family and friends everyday
Expectations from friends and family can be insanely burdensome at times. You're not alone in feeling overburdened by other's expectations. You aren't defined by what others want out of you. Guilt is an insanely powerful thing that strikes right into our hearts and moral systems; easily leading to suicidal desire as a result of it, as a result of feeling like we have disappointed others. But in doing so, we can forget ourselves and what
we really want too--in the end, we just want love, and that's a perfectly human thing to want :)
and the facade i put up is getting harder and harder to keep up.
I can understand that, too.
i dont wanna be on suicide watch, so i have to be ok. i just dont see a future where im worth something, i have no motivation to do anything, i just want to abuse drugs and go to sleep and draw porn and im bound to be a useless leech for the rest of my life, but i cant afford to die without 100% accuracy and i dont want anyone to find me at the bottom of a cliff. at least my family cant afford hospital bills. i wish i wasnt so sensitive. fuck my stupid gay life.
i just cant stop fantasizing about it. even when i feel ok, the idea of buying sn lingers in my head. i want to live. i love my life. but ii just cant stop hating myselff.
I promise you, that you don't have to give up the love [that you have] of your life. I promise you that it is
possible--very possible--to stop hating yourself, even if it's just for a bit. We rest at the cutting edge of psychological understanding, of cognitive practice--self-hatred is among the most common afflictions of modern humanity--we are most empowered scientifically and philosophically to reason ourselves
out of such self-loathing, to gain our self-esteem back and move forward a life and self-perception that we can not only rest at peace in, but
thrive in; and be at
harmony in--not just a peace, but a
love as well; the likes of which are more achievable
now than ever before, in human history.
I promise you that you do not have to dash your hopes against your own will; that your wish is
valid and human too--and good news: there is no better hope to love, to hope, to dream--than now, than ever before--now is the best time to know suffering and struggle than ever before in human history: because at this very point, we understand suffering and struggle better before, than any other phase of humanity, that has come before us.
There is a long path of struggle overcome and struggle succumbed to before us; but now we rest in the wake of it all, in our own struggle.
There is way; there is a path. You want to love your life, and you do not have to give this up out of your struggles, either.
There are ways to change your thinking, to shift your perspective, to ease your own self-hatred as well.
You have the choice towards suicide always--and I cannot stop you from it--but I just want you to know; the struggle of self-hatred, is a very treatable affliction amongst us. I wish you the finest healing in the journey to ease self-hatred for the sake of loving life. It is a noble endeavor, and one that I personally believe, to be so so worth it.
its just a visceral, strong, intense, overwhelming hatred that supersedes everything else in my life and its impossible to live with this feeling.
I truly do, feel with you on this. I myself have felt that rallying cry to death as well.
It... really does get ya'. It's impossible to wake up in the morning with this feeling. You cannot think, you cannot act. We become frozen in cognitive burning in this; it's so horrifically freezing and so despairingly burning. I have felt it myself; it is intense, it is unbearable. Though unbearable in the time it was affecting, I found there were moments where it was not with me, moments freed from unbearability--no matter how thin or long they may be.
It truly does feel impossible to live like this. The good news is that we don't have to accept this intense darkness; we can choose against it, if we wish not to accept it, as well. It is hell either way--but at least, a hell with a spark of hope might be better than a hell that just gets darker and darker, just maybe.
its impossible to live in this body. someone elses soul would thrive in this body, its so unfortunate i had to be the one to inherit it. im so sorry for being alive, im sorry for being incapable of changing. how are you supposed to live in a body that rejects you
i ruin everything
I promise you; that if you were to take my soul, and put it in
your body--that it too, would suffer just as unbearably as you would. I am actually confident that I might just be unable to even write a single paragraph--let alone the entire post you have written for us here--if I were in your body. I mean... I'm a really sensitive person, ha--I would even dare say
too sensitive a lot of the time, too.
Your situation is legitimately serious, and legitimately difficult.
(looks back at your quoted text)
i went to the hospital for a week and missed christmas and ruined everyones holidays and im expected to feel better and in some aspects i do but in other aspects i feel worse.
Oh my
god! You missed the holidays
and have to bear the burden of resentment from your family friends?? Holy shit, I might actually just lose it completely if I were in your shoes, holy hell! I bet I would actually be unable to wake up in the morning at all; and that my words would be so muddled and mangled I would be unable to write coherently even a single paragraph at all--as opposed to the entire post you've written us.
Let me tell you friend, our capacity to endure suffering is based off how much suffering we have borne.
I have endured nowhere
near the amount of suffering that
you have in your life--yes this will seem affronting to you, and I promise I would feel the same [if I were you], but anyways--with my relatively high level of privilege and support I've had in my life, I have not been able to endure the intense amounts of suffering and being as kicked-in-the-shins as you have in your own life.
It's like drug tolerance. I'll analogy with alcohol. A seasoned drinker can down many glasses and stay coherent, whereas an abstinent person may pass out under the
exact same amount. It's not about being "tough" or "smart"; the body just gets used to alcohol when it's exposed to a lot of it.
And so, I say the same thing for
pain as well. A person who endures great amounts of suffering, begins to grow used to and develop some amounts of tolerance to it. This does not mean the pain doesn't still hurt, though. It must hurt like hell. And surely such a person still endures significant traumas from it, too. But to that person, smaller issues don't nearly cause just as much pain or derailment--because other, worse things, take focus. The alcohol still gets the seasoned drinker drunk; it just affects them differently, from their own experience.
And so what does this ultimately translate to?
This means that if you put my sensitive, ivory tower soul--into the intense suffering of your current spot; it would have
no idea what to do. It hasn't lived your life, it hasn't become used to anything that you have known--it has not learned any of the things that you have learned; blinded to all lessons you have learned with difficulty or ease or otherwise. It would writhe in unbearable pain, unable to make sense of what's going on.
Essentially, I think I would fare pretty badly in your spot ;) all my optimistic advice to you has come from a position of relative stability, under a much less turbulent social sphere, where I don't have to deal with shame from family and friends for both being suicidal
and for missing the holidays (only close friends of mine know about my occasional suicidal thoughts, and I have never attempted in my life)
Honestly, friend... I have no idea how I would deal with the shame of having to face others, with the intense stigma behind suicide and all. You truly are experiencing something I cannot fathom, a level of suffering and guilt I can't know. I want to be honest with you, and tell you that I maybe
can't completely understand the degree of suffering you endure. But I just want to let you know, that I give you my hopes and hugs regardless, that I hope that you are able to heal from this trauma, this burning that you feel--and maybe, just maybe, feel coolness and peace and stability, & honor and love--in your life, in the future.
I give you my love, my hope, and whatever solace I can give through the limits of the written word. My words with you; I deserve you believe faith and hope in you. Please take care of yourself as best you can. This is a very difficult situation you are in and I firmly believe any person would feel as fucked as you do right now--even if they might just have a different strain of insanity running through their head in such a tough spot. You don't have to do anything you do not want to; there are as many ways as there are years, as many chances as there are moments. I hope that one day you are able to live in excellent love and harmony with what you wish for in life.
From,
Hunter
