I'm so sorry this happened to you and you survived 7 years with and then it returned worse than before. Which medication were you on that caused your protracted and for how long? Were you cold turkey stopped or did you taper? God I can't do this for that many years. So you were feeling cured for a period of time? Do you know why it all of a sudden returned worse than before?
Hey I just wanted to say something to you. First, I'm in a similar situation though much older than you I think. I have long lasting akathisia from my doctor CTing me off cymbalta and then later putting me on Abilify plus a variety of other crap, tried to reinstate as well though way too late, although I was already unable then to take any antidepressants without experiencing akathisia and my dr should have known better. I checked myself into three different hospitals, took me months to get a diagnosis and I'm still feeling awful but stuck on Valium plus three other meds. No Akathisia medicines work for me. Akathisia is now mostly internal like a permanent panic attack, shaking burning body etc. there is no break or help except maybe time. So far it's been a year.
The main thing I wanted to say — I understand your regret and self-blame. But there is NO WAY this is your fault. Doctors should have known better. Ultimately it's an FDA and big pharma fault in a million ways. You did not do this to yourself even though you are grieving and your mind is blaming you. It's not your fault, not your fault, not your fault. No one injured by psychiatric drugs like this is to blame. That may not help you feel any better . But it's not your fault. Even if your illness is telling you it is.
For what it's worth, I think you're still young enough to heal. Try to stay out of the hospital. You might want to wait a little to ctb , I don't know. I don't know where you are, but there are psychiatrists who will believe you and specialize in people harmed by psychiatric drugs and helping taper off them. You might heal — you are young.
(Im here and may cbt because I'm older and may not be able to heal.)
I am thinking of you and wishing you peace.
Thanks for sharing your story with me. Is it ok if I private message you to ask some more questions about your situation? Actually it doesn't look like you have the option to start a private chat with. That's odd. Can I ask how long you were on Cymbalta before you were CTd? What other meds are you still on? How old are you? And thank you for saying it's not my fault. The self blame and regret is all consuming.
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Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. It sounds like you are suffering so much with the internal aksthisia, that sounds horrendous and I'm sorry you're going through this too. I'm 36, so not super young, and I got placed on more harmful drugs while being in protracted withdrawal so I don't think I have much of a chance of healing:(. What other drugs are you on, if you don't mind me asking? Ability is an antipsychotic right? I hate those drugs, they are so damaging!!
Parts of this really are my fault though. I chose to take a supplement that kindled me and I took myself to the hospital twice and was forced into there once. So some parts are definitely me to blame. I've been such a fool, the regret is tremendous, but thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it.
Sorry I'm older and probably don't have things set up right here… the meds I'm on also make it hard to think or type.
Im 57. F. I was on cymbalta and Wellbutrin about six years. And various ADs for some periods before that. I went back to my dr 9 months after the CT, because I felt sad, he tried to reinstate and tried lex, tried some other SSDI, all caused temporary akathisia. I asked if there was anything else that might help, he said Abilify. Idiot. It's known to cause AKathisisa. I have a vulnerability to it now. Duh. I was not psychotic. I could have lived with my depression. I trusted him. Wish I hadn't ofc…
I didn't know what was wrong with me after the akathisia started three months after I was on Abilify, I had three hospitalizations out of desperation, etc. finally got the diagnosis. Even tried ECT. Didn't work. So many doctors didn't diagnose it. A neurologist in the hospital caught it finally.
I was depressed from the CT before this fiasco plus had stage 2 cancer (in remission) — but functional, good job, boyfriend, son etc. psychiatry broke it all. Lost job, boyfriend, everything but my house. I can't function (cook clean shower often drive etc). Now I'm on high dose Valium (in tolerance, doesn't do much), gabapentin, cogentin, propranolol. None work. Just crappy side effects. I'm lucky I'm not on more crap they threw at me — there was nothing they didn't try. Like I just had piles of pill bottles. It was amazing. I finally realized all the pills were just making me sick.
I have a new psychiatrist and two coaches who do think this may be survivable. That my brain might kind of down regulate itself if I can hang in there long enough. I tried supplements and other changes on my own too. I just wanted relief — every day the same horror show to wake up to. I wanted to do something about it! They told me gently to stop trying things and see if I could stabilize. I made myself worse by destabilizing myself. One day at a time. Breathe. Survive the day. It was not my fault. You have to repeat that a lot — not sure it sinks in, but it is the truth. We don't hurt ourselves with psychiatric medicines. Shoot, I was even told by some drs to try supplements.
Psychiatry is not a science. Throwing spaghetti at a wall. They have no idea why things work or don't. One of my neurologists said out loud they don't know what they are doing. In front of a number of people in the hospital.
In the US at least, supplements are not regulated by the FDA so who knows…
One thing — it's your grief or harmed CNS that's telling you it's your fault. It's not. It's like having a TBI. I mean, you do have a TBI caused by medication. You can't help blaming yourself, but that doesn't make the message accurate. You do have a chemically caused TBI. Doctors, poor studies, lax FDA regulations are to blame. How could you know? You just wanted relief. You got poison instead. Not your fault. Self blame is just your illness talking. It won't shut up. Grief also because medical injury didn't have to happen. Grief is reasonable. It's still not your fault. Blame is your brain giving you a wrong message. It's just playing What If too. Still not your fault :-)
I think being in your thirties is pretty young for this kind of injury. Like your brain is still capable of healing. It's not likely to be stuck from what I've heard? There are doctors and coaches where I am (US) who specialize in dealing with psychiatric harm.
I'm trying to hang in there for my family. If I can't, My plan for CTB is to jump off a high bridge in the middle of the night. New River Gorge Bridge. I'm trying to wait till the spring. I'll see if there are any signs of the illness softening. I can't get SN, can't do anything complicated.
Please take care whatever decision you make. Peace be with you.
Ps I'll try to figure out why you couldn't DM me
And please forgive my typos. Weird side effects from meds.
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Yeah. I did the same thing. Rocked the boat too much and put myself in a terrible situation. If I had just left well enough alone. Now I feel suicide is my only escape from this hell. The meds they have me on aren't doing much either. Just more shit to destabilize my nervous system or eventually have to try to taper.
Are you sleeping and eating? My sleeping med is already losing its effectiveness which is scary because I don't want to go back to the hell of insomnia. That was the main reason I got myself hospitalized and it was a big mistake. Now stuck on clonazepam, high dose of Zoplicone and Pregabalin.
What symptoms are you left with? I lost everything too. I had to take a leave from my job and move back in with my parents. I'm only 5 months into this hell and I'm barely hanging on and getting worse by the day. I just can't believe this is my life. The regret for the decisions that led me here and the grief for my old life torture me everyday. The sad thing is this was preventable.
I looked up that bridge. The height would definitely kill you instantly. I'm jealous you have access to something so high. Where I am I unfortunately don't have anything taller than around 300ft that I would have access to. My method that I've been considering a lot is jumping as well. I can't even leave the house so how am I going to try to get supplies for complicated methods like inert gas? I live in Canada so it would be hard to source SN and I don't think I want to go that route. Unfortunately there is no easy way to do it other than euthanasia but that's not available to us as much as I wish it was.
You said you've been in protracted for a year? Who are your coaches? Are they well known ones like Angie Peacock?
Are you sleeping and eating? My sleeping med is already losing its effectiveness which is scary because I don't want to go back to the hell of insomnia. That was the main reason I got myself hospitalized and it was a big mistake. Now stuck on clonazepam, high dose of Zoplicone and Pregabalin.
What symptoms are you left with? I lost everything too. I had to take a leave from my job and move back in with my parents. I'm only 5 months into this hell and I'm barely hanging on and getting worse by the day. I just can't believe this is my life. The regret for the decisions that led me here and the grief for my old life torture me everyday. The sad thing is this was preventable.
I looked up that bridge. The height would definitely kill you instantly. I'm jealous you have access to something so high. Where I am I unfortunately don't have anything taller than around 300ft that I would have access to. My method that I've been considering a lot is jumping as well. I can't even leave the house so how am I going to try to get supplies for complicated methods like inert gas? I live in Canada so it would be hard to source SN and I don't think I want to go that route. Unfortunately there is no easy way to do it other than euthanasia but that's not available to us as much as I wish it was.
You said you've been in protracted for a year? Who are your coaches? Are they well known ones like Angie Peacock?
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Hey, I'm definitely empathizing with what you're saying. All of it including regrets. Omg the regrets. I'm 57, by boyfriend was out the door after six months of this after calling me a junkie (??!!) and my parents in their 80s trade off staying with me (ugh, I feel so guilty!). I had to leave a very good senior level software job. I just lost… everything, right after dealing with breast cancer. All my friends I knew from dance, and I can't dance now. Yeah it's been exactly a year. I can't believe my life has come to this because of little pills! It is an outrage that people are not warned!! I just can't believe it. I would have rather the breast cancer got me, honestly. I could have done MAID in Oregon.
My symptoms have changed a little, likely because of drugs I got put on. Maybe a couple of them have softened a little? A lot of the time I feel so uncomfortable in my skin I cry. I used to have the strange pacing, fidgeting, rocking and some arm movements that are more classic akathisia and that the Valium seems to cover up unless I am extremely stressed. I had a little dyskinesia but that went away after throwing away the Abilify (should have tapered but I didn't know). A neurologist diagnosed the akathisia immediately after looking at me. Now the akathisia is mainly internal — a sense of torture doom I don't even have the words to describe it. Neurologists may fail to adequately recognize drug harm if it's mostly internal. Most people I've talked to say it's about the worst thing in the world. I still a lot of the time feel like I'm on fire. What I have read is that the suicidal drive may be part of the akathisia itself — like it's an intrusive thought, you perseverate on it — and also you want to CTB because you need relief. I am afraid to leave my house. I'm afraid to be alone. I have other symptoms but they are from cogentin and Valium. The biggest problems overall are the suicidal ideation, the wanting to be out of my skin, the panic, the wishing do my old life, the grief.. I have a lot of fog and sedation that feels horrible. That is from cogentin and Valium and gabapentin I think. Memory stinks and I used to have a great memory.
I do sleep because of the Valium. I try not to think about eventually getting off that. I took th benzo because the alternative was death it felt like, and I didn't know how benzos were harmful. When you're in a hospital in the US you can't even have a phone to look things up. Without the benzo I doubt I'd sleep based on how I was when this first happened. I couldn't sleep at all originally. I would just shake, cry, sweat etc. im trying not to think about benzo tapering…
Yeah I see Nicole lambertson and Chris Paige, also a movement disorder neurologist (not helpful but not harmful and I am in the e US and need to have paperwork for SSDI benefit application because I can't work), and a psychiatrist Nicole referred me to. It took so long to find people who understood and didn't want to put me back on antidepressants, antipsychotics, lithium, etc. (I mean, you wouldn't believe the number of pills I got prescribed and never took or spit out or did unfortunately try. Artane, hydroxyzine, other beta blockers, cyproheptadine, mirtazapine ropinerole, more antipsychotics, buspar, just the whole polypharmacy thing. None of which helped and some of which made it worse)
I am not a doctor! But here is what maybe helps me a little or at least does me no harm?
Found a doctor who stopped pushing more drugs on me and who believed me (didn't tell me I wasn't giving drugs a long enough trial, told me it was psychosomatic, gave me high doses of well everything, etc. didnt do any of that crap)
Realized there probably isn't a pill that will totally fix this right away and that doctors don't understand what causes it. There are definitely pills that will worsen it. People don't understand the brain enough even if they mean to help.
Stayed out of the hospital. Took me three tries there :-) psych drs in the hositals are not good in my opinion. Stress is very bad and they just added to it. In hospitals also I had Showers that didn't work well, roommates who got up in the middle of the night, nurses telling me to get my act together, no daylight — just no sense of safety. Don't recommend ECT, either — didn't work for me.
Got a regular therapist (remote is fine) and did the safety plan so people would get off my back. I cannot be put back in the hospital — that makes it worse. I can show my parents and psychiatrist I'm safer than I really am, if needed.
See if you can find a doctor (psychiatrist) experienced with deprescribing? They will probably tell you it's a marathon not a sprint and that your body can heal if doctors stop poking it with more medicines. They will tell you people like you have healed.
For what it's worth — I recently last month or two have had a few little glimmers of hope. Walking slowly or moderately at a slow pace on a treadmill or outside can calm my worst daily flares. It sort of regulates me. For some reason I had three days without as much suicidal ideation. I swept my floor this morning. I'm so non functional, in so much pain, that using a broom is a big deal :-). Sometimes my legs burn a little less at night . I can't find a pattern but I think there are tiny bits of relief. These bits didn't happen until maybe ten months in? I keep meeting with Nicole and Chris. I have accused Chris of lying to me to make me feel better when he said people can heal. He kind of rolled his eyes at me :-) it happens every time I talk to him. I tell him well no one took the exact drugs I did for as long as I did, so I won't heal. People keep telling me that is not true.
I do not read the akathisia Facebook group. It's triggering with no benefit. I already know psych drugs suck sometimes for people.
I know you feel so rotten and again wish you peace one way or another. It is truly awful, no matter what name you call it — the protracted withdrawal, just living after psych meds. Worst thing in the world. I want just some of my life back. It's like how long do you want to wait to see if you'll heal. I'm just trying for now to make it through the day. I figure I'll know when it's either easing up or when it's time to go.
Take care
Xoxoxoxoxoxox
My symptoms have changed a little, likely because of drugs I got put on. Maybe a couple of them have softened a little? A lot of the time I feel so uncomfortable in my skin I cry. I used to have the strange pacing, fidgeting, rocking and some arm movements that are more classic akathisia and that the Valium seems to cover up unless I am extremely stressed. I had a little dyskinesia but that went away after throwing away the Abilify (should have tapered but I didn't know). A neurologist diagnosed the akathisia immediately after looking at me. Now the akathisia is mainly internal — a sense of torture doom I don't even have the words to describe it. Neurologists may fail to adequately recognize drug harm if it's mostly internal. Most people I've talked to say it's about the worst thing in the world. I still a lot of the time feel like I'm on fire. What I have read is that the suicidal drive may be part of the akathisia itself — like it's an intrusive thought, you perseverate on it — and also you want to CTB because you need relief. I am afraid to leave my house. I'm afraid to be alone. I have other symptoms but they are from cogentin and Valium. The biggest problems overall are the suicidal ideation, the wanting to be out of my skin, the panic, the wishing do my old life, the grief.. I have a lot of fog and sedation that feels horrible. That is from cogentin and Valium and gabapentin I think. Memory stinks and I used to have a great memory.
I do sleep because of the Valium. I try not to think about eventually getting off that. I took th benzo because the alternative was death it felt like, and I didn't know how benzos were harmful. When you're in a hospital in the US you can't even have a phone to look things up. Without the benzo I doubt I'd sleep based on how I was when this first happened. I couldn't sleep at all originally. I would just shake, cry, sweat etc. im trying not to think about benzo tapering…
Yeah I see Nicole lambertson and Chris Paige, also a movement disorder neurologist (not helpful but not harmful and I am in the e US and need to have paperwork for SSDI benefit application because I can't work), and a psychiatrist Nicole referred me to. It took so long to find people who understood and didn't want to put me back on antidepressants, antipsychotics, lithium, etc. (I mean, you wouldn't believe the number of pills I got prescribed and never took or spit out or did unfortunately try. Artane, hydroxyzine, other beta blockers, cyproheptadine, mirtazapine ropinerole, more antipsychotics, buspar, just the whole polypharmacy thing. None of which helped and some of which made it worse)
I am not a doctor! But here is what maybe helps me a little or at least does me no harm?
Found a doctor who stopped pushing more drugs on me and who believed me (didn't tell me I wasn't giving drugs a long enough trial, told me it was psychosomatic, gave me high doses of well everything, etc. didnt do any of that crap)
Realized there probably isn't a pill that will totally fix this right away and that doctors don't understand what causes it. There are definitely pills that will worsen it. People don't understand the brain enough even if they mean to help.
Stayed out of the hospital. Took me three tries there :-) psych drs in the hositals are not good in my opinion. Stress is very bad and they just added to it. In hospitals also I had Showers that didn't work well, roommates who got up in the middle of the night, nurses telling me to get my act together, no daylight — just no sense of safety. Don't recommend ECT, either — didn't work for me.
Got a regular therapist (remote is fine) and did the safety plan so people would get off my back. I cannot be put back in the hospital — that makes it worse. I can show my parents and psychiatrist I'm safer than I really am, if needed.
See if you can find a doctor (psychiatrist) experienced with deprescribing? They will probably tell you it's a marathon not a sprint and that your body can heal if doctors stop poking it with more medicines. They will tell you people like you have healed.
For what it's worth — I recently last month or two have had a few little glimmers of hope. Walking slowly or moderately at a slow pace on a treadmill or outside can calm my worst daily flares. It sort of regulates me. For some reason I had three days without as much suicidal ideation. I swept my floor this morning. I'm so non functional, in so much pain, that using a broom is a big deal :-). Sometimes my legs burn a little less at night . I can't find a pattern but I think there are tiny bits of relief. These bits didn't happen until maybe ten months in? I keep meeting with Nicole and Chris. I have accused Chris of lying to me to make me feel better when he said people can heal. He kind of rolled his eyes at me :-) it happens every time I talk to him. I tell him well no one took the exact drugs I did for as long as I did, so I won't heal. People keep telling me that is not true.
I do not read the akathisia Facebook group. It's triggering with no benefit. I already know psych drugs suck sometimes for people.
I know you feel so rotten and again wish you peace one way or another. It is truly awful, no matter what name you call it — the protracted withdrawal, just living after psych meds. Worst thing in the world. I want just some of my life back. It's like how long do you want to wait to see if you'll heal. I'm just trying for now to make it through the day. I figure I'll know when it's either easing up or when it's time to go.
Take care
Xoxoxoxoxoxox
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Unlucky777
Student
- Dec 10, 2025
- 148
Yeah same. I was forced to take those God damn antipsychotics and now my life is ruined but I've been 18 months off that poison and am recovering slowly.
Thanks for sharing so much of your story. Despite the hell you're going through it seems you still have a sense of humour and a lot of compassion for others going through it. No one else could ever know the hell we are experiencing. I'm so sorry you went through all that in the hospital. I spent 3 weeks in the psych ward and they were throwing drugs at me like nobodies business. Not quite to the extent you experienced. And gosh going through ECT too. That sounds traumatic.
I have a lot of the same symptoms as you. Not all of them but a lot of them. Fear of being alone, wanting to crawl out of my skin, internal torment, grief for my old life, can't leave the house hardly, can't drive, can barely eat. Just a miserable existence. Everyone who's been through this says how they lost everything. Loved ones, jobs, finances, houses. I worked in a hospital as a respiratory therapist and lived independently. I've been on a leave from work for 5 months since this started and had to move back in with my parents. Had to give up my 2 cats. Life just completely ruined by these drugs. One ill informed decision turned my whole life on its head.
I had to learn about protracted withdrawal from someone on Reddit. It seems forums of our peers are more knowledgeable about this than healthcare professionals. I'm in Canada and I'm stuck with a psychiatrist who refuses to believe I am suffering from protracted withdrawal syndrome and wants to put me on more drugs. It's hard to find a psychiatrist here who believes in it and will help you. I have to play nice with my current one so she'll continue to prescribe me the horrible drugs she put me on in the hospital. The Zoplicone for sleep is already starting to lose its effectiveness and I'm terrified about going back to sleepless nights. I wish I never got myself hospitalized. If I only knew how much worse it could get…
I've heard of Chris and Nicole and watched some YouTube videos about their stories. Both suffered severely for a long time. Unfortunately they do not practice in Canada but Angie Peacock has some coaches through her website that do. Do you find meeting with them helpful?
The thing you said about being able to access MAID when you had breast cancer. I wish so badly that my country provided MAID for mental illness. I tried applying anyway and they said I wasn't eligible. They won't be reassessing MAID for mental illness until March 2027 and even then the nurse practitioner I spoke with said she doubts they will pass the bill. I wish we could just die with dignity. If the people who make these decisions had to spend a day in our hell they would pass that bill in a second.
The shitty thing about this is not knowing how long it will take you to heal. The part where you said "no one took the exact drugs I did for as long as I did, so I won't heal" is exactly what I keep telling myself. I try and try to search for stories of someone with a similar med background and how long it took them to heal but it's impossible and everyone is different. This is my first Christmas in withdrawal and it's excruciating thinking about how I was last year compared to this year. These drugs just suck the life and soul out of you.
It would be nice to chat if you wanted to. I think because you're a new member the chat feature isn't available to you or you have to make your own posts. But if you wanted to chat on a different platform like WhatsApp you can let me know. It's ok if you don't feel comfortable. It's just nice to have "healing buddies" is what they call them in some of the support groups.
Hi, just my two cents, but it couldn't hurt to talk to Angie Peacock? I don't know how finding a psychiatrist works in Canada. Here Nicole, the coach, found me a psychiatrist who practices in my state and is helpful and stops throwing drugs at me that don't make sense to try. It has been helpful to talk to Nicole and Chris because they give me a little bit of hope. I might not make it but I'll know I tried. They are convinced bodies heal if you can sort of hang in there long enough.
I get the holiday thing completely. Last year I had so much, my life was full!! Sometimes when I wake up, for a few seconds I forget this has happened. I think I have a boyfriend and things are good and… And then I remember… well here we are now…
I am so sorry you had to give up your kitties. In addition to everything else. Such grief.
I would be happy to talk sometime. I am a good listener :-) I haven't used WhatsApp but I can probably figure it out. Or get my son to help me! Or I'll try to figure out what I need to do on this platform.
(Very aggravating that this is considered. Mental illness re MAID. It's chemical injury. Yeah, stand in my shoes for a minute, you'll understand…)
I tell myself It's is ok to feel cruddy right own— the holidays will pass. Thank goodness.
Wishing you peace one way or another. (Wish the most that you would heal since some people do)
Xoxoxoxoxoxooxox
I get the holiday thing completely. Last year I had so much, my life was full!! Sometimes when I wake up, for a few seconds I forget this has happened. I think I have a boyfriend and things are good and… And then I remember… well here we are now…
I am so sorry you had to give up your kitties. In addition to everything else. Such grief.
I would be happy to talk sometime. I am a good listener :-) I haven't used WhatsApp but I can probably figure it out. Or get my son to help me! Or I'll try to figure out what I need to do on this platform.
(Very aggravating that this is considered. Mental illness re MAID. It's chemical injury. Yeah, stand in my shoes for a minute, you'll understand…)
I tell myself It's is ok to feel cruddy right own— the holidays will pass. Thank goodness.
Wishing you peace one way or another. (Wish the most that you would heal since some people do)
Xoxoxoxoxoxooxox
madameviolette
Another Big Pharma victim
- Oct 9, 2025
- 323
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