pre-ctb happiness, fear of life and death, and random ctb toughts

[Crazy4u]

I have made a lot of progress on my ctb to do list, ctb planning, and arrangements in the last 2 weeks. This week was supposed to be so stressful for many reasons. Surprisingly, I feel soooo happy! I feel like dancing! daydreaming about my ctb day, the details of what will happen, and finally getting there put a smile on my face every time. I have not felt so happy in a long time. I don't know if this is my brain playing games. I don't sleep so much but I don't feel so tired like before! knowing it is only a matter of a few weeks put me at ease.

I feel little scared of death; mainly the last few minutes of my life. I don't know what will happen. I feel more scared of life and staying alive. What will happen to me if I stay alive? can I take more suffering?! I don't have tolerance for any of that. In one of my deleted posts, I mentioned that I feel like I'm carrying an elephant on my back and shoulders! when I die, the elephant would go away.

There have been many posts about after life lately. I believe in God and I believe in afterlife but I'm not scared. For me, staying alive for more years will make me "brainless".

 

[FuneralCry]

I think for many people it can be a relief knowing the suffering is coming to an end. I am also scared of life and it is why I find comfort in death. I wish you the best.