Help Potential Alexithymia. Advice?

[ConfusedClouds]

I never feel like I fully relate to any self help research or reading I try. And I feel like I just go in circles/get frustrated with my private therapist (2 years now, but when I have tried 'quitting', its often led me to spiralling even more feeling even more alone but I don't have the words or patience to go through the process of trying to explain everything (which is also kinda nothing) to someone new - I tried a new counsellor once but it led to next level frustrations where at least my current therapist can interpret me a fair bit now when I do lose my words).

The only 'thing' that seems to resonate with me is 'alexithymia'. Does anyone have any experience of this? Any actual practical advice/tips/lessons learnt that could be shared? I've done all the basic googling and never seem to come out with any meaningful 'next steps'.

I'm very functional and seem to have learnt to just avoid it by never getting to know anyone more closely - ran away and isolated from my previous life/friends/family about 2 years ago (about 1-1.5 years since fully cutting off/ghosting messages). I have always had seasonal jobs where everyone moves on after and 'talk' is usually only small impersonal talk about work or the seasonal environment/location/mutual interest (e.g ski season). Now in my mid 30s with no partner/family/career etc that society expects, I am sticking out more and more while working with retirees and/or students earning top up beer money and get more and more on edge about the risk of being asked more in depth questions.

 

[dpdrdisaster]

Writing in a journal and asking myself questions about what I wrote really helped me.

Start by just stream of consciousness stuff. Then look back on what you wrote and start to ask yourself "why" like you're a two year old.

I hate myself. Why? Because people make me feel like I'm a piece of shit. Why? Because I get yelled at a lot. Why? Because I'm won't a lot. Why? Because my dad expects perfection.

My first reaction to most feelings is to dissociate. I then need to investigate to figure out what it is. And I never trusted therapists. So writing on a journal was the only useful way I could explore myself.

The more you do it the easier it will get. and this way it's more about you messing around in an playful way. just think a thought and write it down. If you feel anything wire the first word you think of. Doesn't matter if the word is duck. But why isn't always the write question. sometimes it's "do I want to believe that?" Or "where does this thinking come from?" Or "is this how I want to be moving forward?"..

is the closest I've gotten to having access to my emotions

 

[thenorthern]

I went to a speech therapist that helped (specialist doctor) when I was younger. It is hard to deal with.