Venting [possible tw] i need to get this off my chest

[clearing eyes]

i'm so sick of keeping this facade up for the sole purpose of everyone else's comfort. they don't deserve my passivity, they don't deserve my obedience. they don't love me, they love having something to control and keep them company. i'm not worth anything, and they know that. but pretending as if they care about me satisfies their ego. i'm just a pathetic charity case that people pity and try to fix. i have nothing to offer, nothing to give. i'm not a child anymore so those old men who wanted an easy target no matter how unappealing are no longer interested. now all that's left are those who use me as trauma porn, or those who have low confidence and use me to feel better about themselves. since i made myself unattractive on purpose i can't even be used for sex, really. or maybe that's what my current partner is doing because he doesn't think he can do better. maybe i'm a combination of all three for him. i'm the worst of the worst, scum of the earth. i never hurt anyone but that doesn't matter, because hurting people is almost required in this shithole world. i want to be left to rot, but the masochists are confused as to why i want to leave and the sadists want me to stick around so they can get their rocks off. just gut me until there's nothing left, then. i'm not trying anymore.

 

[melp]

I'm just average in everything. I also hate this game and the fact that I have neither the will nor the possibility to make any big changes. The worst you can do is give up. Decide what you want to do and go in that direction. I decided to kill myself. Now I just think how to do it effectively. I know sadness and disappointment too well. I haven't enjoyed this game since I was born. Many people have such emotions. I'm not saying they are little special, but they are similar.
I hate my longstanding stagnation. But it's even worse to be heading into the abyss in the distant future with a positive smile on your lips.