Venting "please stay for me" :(

[notsosillybilly]

i just finished crying in my friends arms and admitted that i wanna give up on everything, that i'd rather be dead than keep couch hopping. now i feel bad because he started to cry and doesn't want me to do anything to myself.

i usually hate living for other people, but i really care about this dude. i care about all my friends, and if i were to kill myself, a part of me would never forgive myself for hurting them like that. they all want me to succeed, and unfortunately i have a big heart. being alive is painful, but them seeing my lifeless body hurts even more.

i told him i can't promise him where my mindset is gonna go, but that i would hold on a little while longer. especially since he might've found me a potential job i can tolerate.

 

[Aflame5926]

I would say hold a bit longer. that last part might be the step you need.

especially since he might've found me a potential job i can tolerate.

this does sound there is a chance.

ya can always CTB a few weeks / months later it doesnt have to be now. even through i know you tired. and maybe a bit to tired.
but there is a opportunity that can possible change it.

good luck OP in w/e choice you going to make.

much hugs

 

[FF777]

that's one super tough thing about CTB is thinking about how many people you are going to hurt....... but so then if you keep living just because of that then it becomes like, well wait so i'm just living for other people now?.. it's kind of a cruel dilemma that life gives you..

so one question i have is: do you not have parents that you can live with, or any friends that you can be room-mates with? it's like you have these friends that you don't want to hurt, but do they have any spare room for you to live with them in?.. i don't know what your age is, so maybe all of your friends still live with their parents or some thing.. and is it the same for dude man that you like?.. or maybe you could even live in some one's shed, and run a long extension cord in to there so you have power for your phone/laptop/etc (and maybe a portable air-cooler unit)?..

you might see if you can quality for SNAP/EBT assistance (if you are in the USA) or what ever equivalent things they have in other countries.. actually even if you can't get approved for that for some reason, there are usually tons of food banks that will give you tons of free food, you just have to search for where they are and go to them..

but yeah see if some type of job works out so you can bootstrap your self in to at least a small stream of income; that would help tremendously probably..

this is a kind of an extreme option but some times i see poor/homeless people begging for money from cars, especially near off-ramps where the cars have to stop at the stop-light when exiting a highway..

an other weird option: i don't know any thing about you, but if you are the type that can swallow your pride and want to try some thing crazy you could start some type of video/youtube channel where you yap about your situation.. you would have to upload consistently and it would be slow to gather a following at first but it would eventually ramp up maybe.. some people form a parasocial relationship/bond with people they watch in videos where they become emotionally attached to you (and then maybe want to help you out in the form of donations (on one of the donation sites) or super-thanks (youtube) or patreon etc) even though they have never actually met or talked to you..

hmm.. your situation is tough, but if you elaborate verbosely about your situation and feelings and options to some of your friends then maybe it would kind of activate their own brains to start seeing if they can think of solutions to help you out and solve some of the problems.. and of course you can keep thinking about things too to see if you can think of any thing; you know your situation better than any one else does..

love and light..

 

[aoseno perpetuo]

everyone who has said that to me disappeared by themselves

 

[Passenger4224]

That is so nice you have a supportive friend :)

 

[Aren]

i just finished crying in my friends arms and admitted that i wanna give up on everything, that i'd rather be dead than keep couch hopping. now i feel bad because he started to cry and doesn't want me to do anything to myself.

i usually hate living for other people, but i really care about this dude. i care about all my friends, and if i were to kill myself, a part of me would never forgive myself for hurting them like that. they all want me to succeed, and unfortunately i have a big heart. being alive is painful, but them seeing my lifeless body hurts even more.

i told him i can't promise him where my mindset is gonna go, but that i would hold on a little while longer. especially since he might've found me a potential job i can tolerate.

Wish you luck with this good Friend and job

 

[notsosillybilly]

do you not have parents that you can live with, or any friends that you can be room-mates with? it's like you have these friends that you don't want to hurt, but do they have any spare room for you to live with them in?

my mom and grandmother we're abusive pieces of shit so i left them, hence why i'm homeless. dad isn't present and other family members don't care. this is the fourth friend i've stayed with, i'm not friends with the other three anymore.

i don't know what your age is, so maybe all of your friends still live with their parents or some thing.. and is it the same for dude man that you like?..

our age range is 17-21, so yea most of them still live with their parents, while some of them have their own apartments or are in college. me and him are 19.