Help please, i need help. urgent

[thunderrous]

(question at the end)
this is pathetic. im still here, one year later after my SN attempt. I'll be honest, the circumstances I was in then and I am in now are different. i was undergoing abuse then in a foreign land, equipped with a new unknown substance. it was a no brainer.
today, my life is as bad as it can get. my anhedonia makes daily life impossible. i dont go out of my house, if at all. I'm stuck in the same grade for 3 years now, instead of going to university like everyone else. and no, the country i live in doesn't like it, at all. the professionals around me are frustrated, in fact my therapist blocked me and cancelled all future appointments. i used to be the prodigy child, the hard working survivor, now im wasting my family's money everyday, while they have to get insulted by others. and attacked by my own hatred towards my self and everyone else.
i tried everything. going out. going on dating apps. making friends. all that I have received is people that have blocked me on my face. i really can't function. genuinely. i cannot get up. how do I explain this to anyone, at all?
im a diagnosed autistic schizoaffective borderline. my symptoms are hell. meds barely help. my mother is leaving the country, the following week. i cannot let my grandparents deal with my dead body.
i dont really want to die, but I cannot go on like this. life shouldn't be so unbearably painful. im still so young. i question, why can't I have a life like anyone else, why must my own mind be so ruthless in all my pursuits? I've lost myself completely. i no longer recognise myself.


i couldn't find my extra stash of SN, im praying this container has 25 g. i dont have a weighing scale on me. can someone estimate? its filled to the brim.

 

[Canto XIII]

I feel so sorry for how you feel, and I can relate to you on many things. But you sound very distressed right now. Are you sure you would feel the same way after a good night of sleep? Please don't make rushed decisions because of passing emotions.

 

[thunderrous]

I feel so sorry for how you feel, and I can relate to you on many things. But you sound very distressed right now. Are you sure you would feel the same way after a good night of sleep? Please don't make rushed decisions because of passing emotions.

ive been feeling the same way for months. I've stopped liking it, when sleep makes it seem like it has gotten better, that's rarely the case.

 

[Canto XIII]

ive been feeling the same way for months. I've stopped liking it, when sleep makes it seem like it has gotten better, that's rarely the case.

I understand how you feel, but if that's the case, why did you decide to do it only now, and why is it so urgent? I still think you should calm down before making a decision you can not walk away from, or worse, a decision you could come to regret later. If sleeping doesn't appeal to you, what about distracting yourself, with a movie, a book, a game... ?

 

[thunderrous]

I understand how you feel, but if that's the case, why did you decide to do it only now, and why is it so urgent? I still think you should calm down before making a decision you can not walk away from, or worse, a decision you could come to regret later. If sleeping doesn't appeal to you, what about distracting yourself, with a movie, a book, a game... ?

my mother is leaving the country this following week. i need her to deal with my body now

 

[Canto XIII]

my mother is leaving the country this following week. i need her to deal with my body now

I don't want to sound arrogant, but I feel like I need to share my impression anyway. You knew your mother was going to leave the country before as well, but now you're feeling awful and knowing, or realizing just now, that her leaving would prevent you from killing yourself later, you went into a panic, hence the urgency . Or maybe it's your mother's departure itself the last drop that threw you into a crisis, but I don't know enough about your situation to tell. I don't want to be preachy: I shared what it does feel like to me, and I hope you'll follow my advice, but I don't think I can do more for you, unfortunately. Even if wanted to, I couldn't help you with the method because I don't know anything about it, but exactly for this reason I beg you not to do anything you're not sure of. Much love

 

[Awesomefoid67]

(question at the end)
this is pathetic. im still here, one year later after my SN attempt. I'll be honest, the circumstances I was in then and I am in now are different. i was undergoing abuse then in a foreign land, equipped with a new unknown substance. it was a no brainer.
today, my life is as bad as it can get. my anhedonia makes daily life impossible. i dont go out of my house, if at all. I'm stuck in the same grade for 3 years now, instead of going to university like everyone else. and no, the country i live in doesn't like it, at all. the professionals around me are frustrated, in fact my therapist blocked me and cancelled all future appointments. i used to be the prodigy child, the hard working survivor, now im wasting my family's money everyday, while they have to get insulted by others. and attacked by my own hatred towards my self and everyone else.
i tried everything. going out. going on dating apps. making friends. all that I have received is people that have blocked me on my face. i really can't function. genuinely. i cannot get up. how do I explain this to anyone, at all?
im a diagnosed autistic schizoaffective borderline. my symptoms are hell. meds barely help. my mother is leaving the country, the following week. i cannot let my grandparents deal with my dead body.
i dont really want to die, but I cannot go on like this. life shouldn't be so unbearably painful. im still so young. i question, why can't I have a life like anyone else, why must my own mind be so ruthless in all my pursuits? I've lost myself completely. i no longer recognise myself.


i couldn't find my extra stash of SN, im praying this container has 25 g. i dont have a weighing scale on me. can someone estimate? its filled to the brim.

if you dont know the amount in there then imo it's too risky to try it. if it doesnt have enough you could end up surviving with bad like consequences
if you do wanna try it find some scales somewhere first

 

[sometimelater]

to be helpful, that container filled to the brim is probably a bit less than 25g. about a inch diameter, 2.5 inches tall container-ish. 1.2g/mL bulk density for pure sodium nitrate so yeah maybe a little less than 25g.

im sorry you are in so much pain and your situation really seems like something straight from hell. how much do your parents know about your mental state? a quick confession about it, not a full one, but just "i think i might have anhedonia" could get you into cbt and genuinely start a healing process and turn things around for you quicker than you think. if you can muster it or your situation would allow it, just do it bro please

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

to be helpful, that container filled to the brim is probably a bit less than 25g. about a inch diameter, 2.5 inches tall container-ish. 1.2g/mL bulk density for pure sodium nitrate

Nitrate… never that, never, ever, ever that .

 

[thunderrous]

I don't want to sound arrogant, but I feel like I need to share my impression anyway. You knew your mother was going to leave the country before as well, but now you're feeling awful and knowing, or realizing just now, that her leaving would prevent you from killing yourself later, you went into a panic, hence the urgency . Or maybe it's your mother's departure itself the last drop that threw you into a crisis, but I don't know enough about your situation to tell. I don't want to be preachy: I shared what it does feel like to me, and I hope you'll follow my advice, but I don't think I can do more for you, unfortunately. Even if wanted to, I couldn't help you with the method because I don't know anything about it, but exactly for this reason I beg you not to do anything you're not sure of. Much love

thank you. she knows everything about it, we don't have the best relationship most times. it's urgent because I've postponed it long enough, partly because I'm a pussy after my last SN attempt. it was a miracle I survived, and I tried to give life a chance after that but, alas. thank you nonetheless

to be helpful, that container filled to the brim is probably a bit less than 25g. about a inch diameter, 2.5 inches tall container-ish. 1.2g/mL bulk density for pure sodium nitrate so yeah maybe a little less than 25g.

im sorry you are in so much pain and your situation really seems like something straight from hell. how much do your parents know about your mental state? a quick confession about it, not a full one, but just "i think i might have anhedonia" could get you into cbt and genuinely start a healing process and turn things around for you quicker than you think. if you can muster it or your situation would allow it, just do it bro please

would it still be fatal if I follow the SN protocol, I've 90% of the meds I need. benzos, meto, quietiapine, propranolol, painkillers. for context, i didn't follow any protocol last time, it was in a moment of passion and in a country with better crisis management, unlike my country now. i need to make it sure because getting on the ventilator again would strip my family of their finances completely.
my mother knows everything about my condition. ive been in treatment for a long while, nothing helps because subconsciously I don't want to be helped and hence no professional wants to work with me. the people here are not trained enough, and they simply don't care.
thank you for your words

 

[sometimelater]

Nitrate… never that, never, ever, ever that .

whoopsie, typo