Venting Please, help me

[ETCETERA]

I feel like I'm in an ugly place.

I can't stop thinking of an ex bestfriend, whom I don't even know if I'm inlove with or not. There's lots of problems with that- right when I began to recover, they came asked me to die with them

We stopped talking not longer after that disastrous conversation, because we were just in two completely different places. They stopped going to therapy, I kept going. I thought I was doing better, and that it'd be best to stop.

Sometimes, knowing myself made me feel better but I'm realising now that I'm probably the worst person I know. Growing up, people just naturally didn't like me. I was raped as a child and that led to a messed up mindset growing up- I thought I'd be going to hell. When I realised that what I was, is a result as to what happened to me as a child, I felt relieved. Maybe I'm not going to hell- it wasn't my fault . I thought that if I fix myself quick enough before I become an adult, I wouldn't be blamed for my actions because it was in the past and I was a child

I'm older now and I'm not better, but I can't blame it on my past anymore. It's who I am, I'm a bad person because I'm just unable to get better. I don't even have looks running for me, I'm not pretty. I don't have friends, I take medication and I'm not any better. How do I cope with being the worst thing you know? It's this ache in my chest that thumps over and over again, it's like the same dreadful sense of realisation washing over me again and again and again. It hurts, and I just really wish I could just die.

But killing yourself is unfathomably difficult when you have access to nothing. It feels like I'm stuck in a hellhole, I can't get better and I can't die, I'm stuck watching myself live each and every day. I'm in the UK, and I'm on a free trial for a vpn for 7 days before I lose access to this website again.

It feels like I'm fighting a rock eating beast in cage with God watching. And occasionally, they throw me a rock - giving me a faint glimmer of hope that will prove to be absolutely crushing. Because, well, its a rock eating beast. I was going to lose no matter what

And I am losing. I can daydream all I want, I can sleep through my days, but there will be reminders of everything I've missed. If I hadn't gone and tried to take my rapist to court, I would've never lost my high school years. I lost the case, by the way- and my social life with it. Watching everyone go to prom and then move on with life while you're stuck with yourself, just yourself.

I don't want this, I'm like a parasite clinging to my family. I wish I had no attachments making it easier to kill myself already. They think I'm getting better. But what do I do? Seriously, what do I do? I doubt this desperate essay will find anyone, but please. I don't even know what I'm asking for, just please talk to me or something. I don't know, I'm wishing for some miracle words that will suddenly change my life when I know its not possible. What the hell am I supposed to do?

 

[Dot]

Sme1 mght hve 2 transl8

Easy prt = VPN - Protn hs a permnnt free optn

R u abl 2 rturn in2 therpy - am gttng impressn tht = helpd b4

Th/ fct tht u r ashamd of n.e of ur neg8tve b-havr shws autmatclly tht u r nt an awfl persn & thre r ppl out thre mch mch wrse

Wre u evr abl 2 4giv urslf fr wht happnd or cn u try 2 giv urslf sme grce fr hw u r strugglng thru ur strggles -- hw mny of thse 'bd' prts of urslf r jst defnse mechnsms fr thngs tht u hve bn thru

 

[rainwillneverstop]

Sme1 mght hve 2 transl8

Easy prt = VPN - Protn hs a permnnt free optn

R u abl 2 rturn in2 therpy - am gttng impressn tht = helpd b4

Th/ fct tht u r ashamd of n.e of ur neg8tve b-havr shws autmatclly tht u r nt an awfl persn & thre r ppl out thre mch mch wrse

Wre u evr abl 2 4giv urslf fr wht happnd or cn u try 2 giv urslf sme grce fr hw u r strugglng thru ur strggles -- hw mny of thse 'bd' prts of urslf r jst defnse mechnsms fr thngs tht u hve bn thru

Translated:

Easy part is VPN - ProtonVPN has a permanent free option.

Are you able to return into therapy? I am getting impression that it has helped before
The fact that you are ashamed of any of your negative behavior shows automatically that you are not an awful person, and there are people out there much much worse.

Were you ever able to forgive yourself for what happened, or can you try to give yourself some grace for how you are struggling through your struggles.
How many of these 'bad' parts of yourself are just defence mechanisms for things you have been through?

 

[ETCETERA]

Sme1 mght hve 2 transl8

Easy prt = VPN - Protn hs a permnnt free optn

R u abl 2 rturn in2 therpy - am gttng impressn tht = helpd b4

Th/ fct tht u r ashamd of n.e of ur neg8tve b-havr shws autmatclly tht u r nt an awfl persn & thre r ppl out thre mch mch wrse

Wre u evr abl 2 4giv urslf fr wht happnd or cn u try 2 giv urslf sme grce fr hw u r strugglng thru ur strggles -- hw mny of thse 'bd' prts of urslf r jst defnse mechnsms fr thngs tht u hve bn thru

I'm still I therapy. Thank you for the vpn option

I'd like to think I've forgiven myself.. but I'm not sure if I have. I know that the bad parts are a result of what happened. But I can't accept them. I struggle with it alot. But thanks, you've made me think about it a bit more. I really appreciate this.

Translated:

Easy part is VPN - ProtonVPN has a permanent free option.

Are you able to return into therapy? I am getting impression that it has helped before
The fact that you are ashamed of any of your negative behavior shows automatically that you are not an awful person, and there are people out there much much worse.

Were you ever able to forgive yourself for what happened, or can you try to give yourself some grace for how you are struggling through your struggles.
How many of these 'bad' parts of yourself are just defence mechanisms for things you have been through?

Thank you

 

[enjoytheride]

Forgive me for the sarcasm, but if you think that you are the worse person you know, I dare say you don't know many people in life, or you haven't interacted with them long enough as to see how truly evil some of them are - to the point they actually enjoy causing others harm (not just causing harm because it would further some kind of material goal).

So I agree with the answer above that you have to give yourself some grace, and I would say some empathy and kindness. If you are very young, as I suspect from what you describe, then you will only gain experience and become more resilient with time. So give yourself the chance. Give your future self a chance. We are projects constantly being revised and in the making - as long as we have a conscience, which you undoubtedly have.

And if you have the time and will, please have a look at this e-book: https://qprinstitute.com/pdfs/Forever_Decision.pdf

The ideas in it are very simple, yet powerful.