nonameno5
got bitten fingernails and a head full of the past
- May 21, 2025
- 12
collection of random thoughts since my last entry:)
- i think ive become desensitized to people who ctb. not because im unempathetic i dont think. but when i hear about people who ctb i dont feel sad that they did it, i just feel jealous that i dont have the guts to go with them. of course i still feel sorry that life has made them feel like they have no option. i feel sorry for what their loved ones must be going through. i feel sorry that theyve been suffering for so long. but i dont feel sorry BECAUSE they committed. maybe that makes me a bad person. i dont know.
- now relapsing feels like something i need. i dont even want to do it anymore. i just feel like i have to. i havent been able to go any longer than 2 days ever since i really started picking up on it. anytime i see it healing i just feel even more of a need to relapse. and theres always something healing. i dont go nearly deep enough for it to last too long. i wish i knew if i let it atleast go deep enough to scar, but i cover it back up too soon. the only sh thats healed is on my arm, and those marks are from when i was still using a blade ive had for 5 years. (no, i wasnt sh'ing with it for that long) and you can only see those scars if youre really looking for them. i think the burning will probably leave scars. i havent touched it in a few weeks and it seems to be taking a while to heal. i wish it wouldnt. i never wanted any scars. which is why ive never gone deep. any scarring at this point would just be annoying.
- speaking of how do people go out and buy things to sh with without feeling guilty and like everyone knows what youre buying it for. like damn i wish i could just innocently buy my razors, sharpeners, and lighters in peace— but no, i feel like i have to come up with some sort of excuse in advance and cant look the cashier in the eye while im being checked out. please dont look at me and see that im upset. please please please dont ask me what its for or figure me out.
- also bought some surf shorts or wtv for when i go swimming this summer. i know damn well i wouldnt be able to stay clean long enough to wear a normal swimsuit. and honestly i wouldve got shorts anyway, ive always hated womens swimsuits i hate being that exposed.
- back to the relapsing ramble. i hate that im so dependent on it now. atleast when im busy and out doing things i can not think too much about it, but whenever im at home or at someones house i just want to relapse. it makes me feel so guilty. what would my parents think if they found out. if my girlfriend saw?? im lucky she hasnt asked to see my "i am sober" like i do for her i wouldnt be able to show her. especially the amount of times i relapse before hanging out with her. God I'd be done for if she asked to look at it. I'd be so ashamed. She's doing so so well. What if i ruined it for her??
- as for my last diary entry. i havent made any progress. im still as useless and disappointing as ever. ive only made few, less important "helpful" strides. ive prayed to God about it. which still feels strange to me. but i just want to fufill my meaning in life. i want to serve him and the world like im supposed to. i want to be perfect. i want to finally be able to move on, while still feeling accomplished in life. i think my mental health is keeping me from helping anyone else. i dont even mean to at all but i think i just get too caught up in my own head and lack the energy to even think of ways to help others. and thats what i prayed about, for him to help me get through these issues so i can really help people. but nothings changed yet.
- i think ive become desensitized to people who ctb. not because im unempathetic i dont think. but when i hear about people who ctb i dont feel sad that they did it, i just feel jealous that i dont have the guts to go with them. of course i still feel sorry that life has made them feel like they have no option. i feel sorry for what their loved ones must be going through. i feel sorry that theyve been suffering for so long. but i dont feel sorry BECAUSE they committed. maybe that makes me a bad person. i dont know.
- now relapsing feels like something i need. i dont even want to do it anymore. i just feel like i have to. i havent been able to go any longer than 2 days ever since i really started picking up on it. anytime i see it healing i just feel even more of a need to relapse. and theres always something healing. i dont go nearly deep enough for it to last too long. i wish i knew if i let it atleast go deep enough to scar, but i cover it back up too soon. the only sh thats healed is on my arm, and those marks are from when i was still using a blade ive had for 5 years. (no, i wasnt sh'ing with it for that long) and you can only see those scars if youre really looking for them. i think the burning will probably leave scars. i havent touched it in a few weeks and it seems to be taking a while to heal. i wish it wouldnt. i never wanted any scars. which is why ive never gone deep. any scarring at this point would just be annoying.
- speaking of how do people go out and buy things to sh with without feeling guilty and like everyone knows what youre buying it for. like damn i wish i could just innocently buy my razors, sharpeners, and lighters in peace— but no, i feel like i have to come up with some sort of excuse in advance and cant look the cashier in the eye while im being checked out. please dont look at me and see that im upset. please please please dont ask me what its for or figure me out.
- also bought some surf shorts or wtv for when i go swimming this summer. i know damn well i wouldnt be able to stay clean long enough to wear a normal swimsuit. and honestly i wouldve got shorts anyway, ive always hated womens swimsuits i hate being that exposed.
- back to the relapsing ramble. i hate that im so dependent on it now. atleast when im busy and out doing things i can not think too much about it, but whenever im at home or at someones house i just want to relapse. it makes me feel so guilty. what would my parents think if they found out. if my girlfriend saw?? im lucky she hasnt asked to see my "i am sober" like i do for her i wouldnt be able to show her. especially the amount of times i relapse before hanging out with her. God I'd be done for if she asked to look at it. I'd be so ashamed. She's doing so so well. What if i ruined it for her??
- as for my last diary entry. i havent made any progress. im still as useless and disappointing as ever. ive only made few, less important "helpful" strides. ive prayed to God about it. which still feels strange to me. but i just want to fufill my meaning in life. i want to serve him and the world like im supposed to. i want to be perfect. i want to finally be able to move on, while still feeling accomplished in life. i think my mental health is keeping me from helping anyone else. i dont even mean to at all but i think i just get too caught up in my own head and lack the energy to even think of ways to help others. and thats what i prayed about, for him to help me get through these issues so i can really help people. but nothings changed yet.
