Help Persistent dull sadness

[retention]

After talking with Gemini, I manage to pin point the source of my problem which was manipulative ex. The relationship was very one sided as it was only me taking care of her.

She always ask me to do stuff for her, such as accompanying her to accompany to her family gathering because she is scared of her relatives, accompanying her to a hospital because that hospital is mainly for children.

It is one sided because she uses me as a tool. During our movie date, she last minute cancels because she feels under the weather. It happened a couple of times.

Eventually I started stonewalling her because I really wanted to break up with her, but she always threatened me that she will self harm or go to a psychiatric ward.

We finally broke up because I refuse to be a tool and do what she wanted. She also made a new friend and decided I was no longer useful to maintain her happiness.

Ever since we broke up, I have been feeling better, but the pain still lingers. I am in the state of hyper vigilance, being oversensitive to the people around me. Like my previous relationship, I monitor other's needs and moods so closely that I suppressed my own emotions to do so.



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I researched and came up with a plan:
## 1. The Core Mindset

* Take care of yourself first, before caring about others
* Project Rebalance is a marathon, not a sprint.


## 2. Strategic Priorities (Year 1)

* Focus on uni
* Protect your emotional energy for personal projects
* Avoid the Draining relationships


## 3. Healing & Attachment

* Learn to feel safe and stable without the need for external validation.
* Build a "Secure Base"
* Establishing independence makes you less susceptible to the "push-pull" dynamics of disorganized attachment.


## 4. The Personal Resolution
> "I am too young and not ready for a relationship.
> Maybe after working?
> If I don't have a girlfriend I am okay;
> a partner is just an **add-on** to my life."




I have also tried healing child meditation and the tension exercises listed in the stickied thread.

However, it still doesnt work....

I am also on anti depressants, namely lexapro, buproprion and PRN vortioxetine.

Any advice on how to manage my emotions would be appreciated.

 

[daruino]

Hi, I don' t know how long ago you broke up with your girlfriend but it will take time to heal, especially since it sounds like there was a lot of emotional weight involved. Stick to your plan (which looks really good btw!) and hopefully it will help you.

Since you talk about suppressing your own emotions, I guess creating more moments to check in with yourself will help. In your plan I see journaling which is great. I personally found journalling too much work with writing (lazy perhaps), but I do keep my own calender where I write down what I did in a day, but also significant thoughts I had. Mostly worries and stuff. I guess it helps to give them a "place" and it makes me recognize they impact me, and how it is connected to stuff happening in my life.

I also like stretching in the morning and at night. It's a moment for me to check in with myself; how my body is feeling but also to where my mind wanders. A friend of mine meditates, but I find it a bit difficult to stay still. Other people find exercise to be helpful.

I don't know if you have hobbies but it would also be good to indulge in those or try new things.

Just sharing some ideas and alternatives. I think with time you will find out what works for you and what doesn't . Obviously build this up, because you also don't want to get overwhelmed. Best wishes!

 

[timf]

It is not a bad idea to use a bad experience as a learning opportunity. You might consider what clues you might have seen that should have tipped you off to these character qualities. This might be useful for future evaluations.