Venting Pathetic vent about self pitty and feeling unmotivated and stuck

[_Minsk]

It feels like going through quicksand honestly, there are so many distractions and so many reasons to postpone and even though it makes no sense to procrastinate, I can't help but just stay in my misery and wait for the "right" moment if that even exists.
Im so afraid that i am a burden to others but at the same time i just can't help it, my life is just crap and i have exactly 0% energy and motivation left, i just wait for a ctb partner to finally get over with this..
I feel soo pathetic and low, i feel paralyzed and ashamed of me for not being successful but at the same time i know its just too much for me, i feel ashamed that i go my own way and disappoint everyone but at the same time i know its my life and my decision. I fear being an idiot and making everyone cringe. I really fear being seen as a failure and being judged. Depression really sucks and im not sure if its my fault or just random genetics and environment.. it sucks, if i had everything for a successful and safe ctb, i would have taken the chance, i should have taken the chance long time ago..
I feel wo exhaued for no reason, everything is agony and the worst thing is the damn ringing in my ear, exactly when i try to rest and then the insomnia, its torture...........
I wish i would be more social but i dont even have the energy to properly respond, i feel shitty for just posting stuff and then leaving because nothing motivates me.. i hate it all, this is not my life, ive become an empty shell filled with negativity and cringiness.. ughhh
I don't even know if im just lying to myself, maybe im just a shitty person and i deserve this, i feel so low and like going through thig fog..

 

[Noctis]

Your thoughts and your feelings are your own, and no one can tell you they're a lie or invalid.

What sort of partner are you looking for? Do you just want someone to be there and hold your hand in your final moments? Or do you want someone willing to get on the same bus as you?

 

[_Minsk]

Your thoughts and your feelings are your own, and no one can tell you they're a lie or invalid.

What sort of partner are you looking for? Do you just want someone to be there and hold your hand in your final moments? Or do you want someone willing to get on the same bus as you?

Thanks, i would like to find someone to ctb with together, i had a partner but it seems like she will go for recovery

 

[FuneralCry]

It is painful being alive and I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. It can be a dreadful feeling when everything just gets worse. I'm sorry you are going through this, I wish you the best whatever happens.