Venting Pathetic, recovery feels impossible

[imnotcreative]

This is a poorly written vent post but feel free to leave your thoughts if you have any.

Nothing about me is interesting. Nobody I interact with ever lasts, even with my best attempts of reaching out. I wouldn't say its their fault either; I don't have any hobbies that i keep up with, and there is nothing interesting about me so why should I expect people to care about me in the same way I care for them. I mean it doesn't even matter whether its an irl or online friend, i've literally lost all of them and its probably my own fault, why would anyone even want to talk to me if i have nothing to talk about???

University is too difficult for me, it's week 2 and im already relying on AI for my homework. I'm already too far into my studies to try and start over, and I'm going to graduate with like no knowledge of my field and won't be able to find a job anyway. Genuinely on the path towards being a failure. Anhedonia has hit me like a truck over the past few months... I've noticed lesser enjoyment of things for a few years, but recently it's reached a point where I can't even force myself to play a game, or play the piano, or do anything I used to enjoy, which kinda plays into my previous point.

The amount of self-hate I harbor is second to none. I hate the way I look, sound, act in public and private, I hate everything about my mind. The thoughts I have, my anxiety that isn't allowing me to do literally anything (at least allow me to do things the way that others do things), i'm dumber than everyone in my classes. I failed living up to my families expectations, specifically my fathers. I dont even talk to him for good reason, and care less about him than the rest, but it doesn't change the fact that I know I failed him as well. I mean I even hate how I type and the fact that I'm typing this out right now. How does one even go about turning hatred of themselves into self respect, especially if some of it is based on things you cant change?

The thing that makes everything even more pathetic is that my problems are not significant compared to any of yours. Scrolling through this forum makes me feel like I'm not even worthy to have these thoughts. It's like im not worthy to live like a normal person, but when i open this forum i'm reminded of the problems others face and feel like im not worthy of killing myself as well. How can recovery be possible if my brain is constantly telling me I'm not worth recovering?

 

[Dissolving Figment]

I also have a bunch of problems that are just "in my head" and not real problems and if I just stopped being lazy everything would be fixed.
But at the same time, it's real problems that I've had for years. If they were really just insignificant, then I'd probably have found a way out of them through the many years of constant effort and trying to improve.

It took me over a decade to figure out, but a lot of the self-hate I had was actually from my mother. She also had insane expectations, and these sneaky covert ways of constantly letting me know I'm not enough and could be doing better and putting me down. Once I realized that and analyzed my self-hate I saw how each criticism was probably stemming from her.

What helps with my self-hate is considering what I'd do if I was my friend. Would I really say all this horrid shit to myself? I'm extremely nonjudgmental and understanding in real life, and I'd never say these things to anyone else. So I approach myself with the same understanding I'd give to a friend, a stranger, anyone really. And that helps a bit with the self-hate.

 

[Luchs]

I have a loving family, everyone told me that I had great potential, I had many friends. I relate to you, there is no excuse for me being as miserable as I am. I'm slowly losing touch with pretty much all of my friends because I keep having social fuck ups and barely share anything in common with them. I have some interests, but those are laughably embarrassing and surface level, with 90% of people I have nothing to talk about.

 

[thenamesgoon]

it's miserable always having these thoughts and earnestly believing them, and i really do give you my deepest condolences. It WILL be very hard to get back on track, it WILL feel impossible, but it isn't.
For reference, i still am a failure, but when i was younger, i had no friends, no accomplishments, and i spoke so little that my language skills actually deteriorated and i'd fail language classes because i just never practiced the language. I still suffer from the ramifications of these problems, i haven't accomplished as much as my peers, i still can't communicate very well in my mother language and i've had a lot of trouble making new friendships and also maintaining healthy friendships. But i tried to fix it, day by day, i'd try to do one thing and i'd hope it'd work, and if it didn't, i'd bawl my eyes out and then try again, i still go through this pattern today, but i've come so far since then, and i was really on track to go homeless or just DIE, i was dreaming of suicide since i was like 8
for what it's worth, i believe starting from the negatives has an advantage everybody overlooks, it lets you CHOOSE what path you want to go through. When everybody sees you as a scientific genius, you're gonna be forced into that path, i know a few people who took subjects they despised because their teachers told them "That's your path in life". If you're very wordy and talkative, people are gonna expect that from you, and you're gonna be expected to be very talkative, even if you're tired.
My point is, starting from the negatives frees you from expectations and lets you be the person YOU want to be, sure, it's harder because you need to know what you want to be and how to get there, but it ends with you being a happier person overall, i'd imagine.

to add onto that, your suffering is NOT "nothing" compared to others, there's a really good quote i always think about when i have these thoughts
"To draw an analogy: a man's suffering is similar to the behavior of a gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the "size" of human suffering is absolutely relative."
there is no such thing as "my suffering is better than theirs" because it's all suffering in the end, and it's only fair to be sad and upset about the things that happen to you, or the things you've done, and nothing can detract from that

and about the whole "I'm not interesting" thing, it wouldn't help anyone to pander to you and tell you "No, you ARE interesting!" when i know nothing about you, but i can tell you very confidently, people are much more critical of themselves than others are of them, you think of yourself more negatively than others think of you. Even if it was true, that means your goal should just be to grow yourself, and when the time comes, people will gravitate towards you (as long as you put in effort), but loneliness really ain't that bad
i know a friend who cuts herself off from everybody around her whenever things get tough because she believes that's how she most effectively copes with things, and i really can't blame her. Before trying to make friends you've gotta accept that you don't NEED them, yknow? by building self-sufficent hobbies and allowing yourself to grow by yourself, friends become supplementary as opposed to foundational. Which is how i believe it SHOULD be
and i know, it is VERY difficult to get new hobbies and to depend on yourself, i've been trying for years and i believe i've failed, but all we can do is gallop onwards, again, and again, untill something clicks, even if it feels IMPOSSIBLE to try, just by breathing in another breath of fresh air, it means you haven't given up yet

another thing i don't see people really talk about when it comes to being "boring", is the fact tha tpeople don't know what they WANT from relationships, i've seen people who want deep, emotional friendships and yet don't understand themselves or their needs well enough to be able to have that. I've also met people who want casual friendships, despite the fact that they have a LOT of emotional needs that just aren't being met with "casual" friendships (that's me!)
Why do you WANT friends? why do you WANT to be "en

it's miserable always having these thoughts and earnestly believing them, and i really do give you my deepest condolences. It WILL be very hard to get back on track, it WILL feel impossible, but it isn't.
For reference, i still am a failure, but when i was younger, i had no friends, no accomplishments, and i spoke so little that my language skills actually deteriorated and i'd fail language classes because i just never practiced the language. I still suffer from the ramifications of these problems, i haven't accomplished as much as my peers, i still can't communicate very well in my mother language and i've had a lot of trouble making new friendships and also maintaining healthy friendships. But i tried to fix it, day by day, i'd try to do one thing and i'd hope it'd work, and if it didn't, i'd bawl my eyes out and then try again, i still go through this pattern today, but i've come so far since then, and i was really on track to go homeless or just DIE, i was dreaming of suicide since i was like 8
for what it's worth, i believe starting from the negatives has an advantage everybody overlooks, it lets you CHOOSE what path you want to go through. When everybody sees you as a scientific genius, you're gonna be forced into that path, i know a few people who took subjects they despised because their teachers told them "That's your path in life". If you're very wordy and talkative, people are gonna expect that from you, and you're gonna be expected to be very talkative, even if you're tired.
My point is, starting from the negatives frees you from expectations and lets you be the person YOU want to be, sure, it's harder because you need to know what you want to be and how to get there, but it ends with you being a happier person overall, i'd imagine.

to add onto that, your suffering is NOT "nothing" compared to others, there's a really good quote i always think about when i have these thoughts
"To draw an analogy: a man's suffering is similar to the behavior of a gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the "size" of human suffering is absolutely relative."
there is no such thing as "my suffering is better than theirs" because it's all suffering in the end, and it's only fair to be sad and upset about the things that happen to you, or the things you've done, and nothing can detract from that

and about the whole "I'm not interesting" thing, it wouldn't help anyone to pander to you and tell you "No, you ARE interesting!" when i know nothing about you, but i can tell you very confidently, people are much more critical of themselves than others are of them, you think of yourself more negatively than others think of you. Even if it was true, that means your goal should just be to grow yourself, and when the time comes, people will gravitate towards you (as long as you put in effort), but loneliness really ain't that bad
i know a friend who cuts herself off from everybody around her whenever things get tough because she believes that's how she most effectively copes with things, and i really can't blame her. Before trying to make friends you've gotta accept that you don't NEED them, yknow? by building self-sufficent hobbies and allowing yourself to grow by yourself, friends become supplementary as opposed to foundational. Which is how i believe it SHOULD be
and i know, it is VERY difficult to get new hobbies and to depend on yourself, i've been trying for years and i believe i've failed, but all we can do is gallop onwards, again, and again, untill something clicks, even if it feels IMPOSSIBLE to try, just by breathing in another breath of fresh air, it means you haven't given up yet

another thing i don't see people really talk about when it comes to being "boring", is the fact tha tpeople don't know what they WANT from relationships, i've seen people who want deep, emotional friendships and yet don't understand themselves or their needs well enough to be able to have that. I've also met people who want casual friendships, despite the fact that they have a LOT of emotional needs that just aren't being met with "casual" friendships (that's me!)
Why do you WANT friends? why do you WANT to be "en

tertaining" what do you expect from people and what do you think you have to give back?
keep in mind i am not a professional so i dunno what im talking about but i believe these are surface level questions that need to be answered, lest you fall into the pits of despair trying to get something you dont actually need

i really hope this helps.. even if everybody's healiong process is different, my words may not have any meaning to you but i hope they do