Partial recovery

[Sensei]

There's no need for congratulations, because just as the title says, it's just a partial recovery. I don't need support so it's actually perfectly fine if I don't get any responses.

Anyway. I suffer from bipolar disorder II and now "the impossible" has happened: my medication is finally working. After three year's hell of nonstop depressive episodes I don't have to see the world through a dark veil anymore. I no longer have to suffer that indescribable, unbearable, inner turmoil that comes with bipolar disorder. It feels strange. I'm so used to suffering by now that normality feels unreal, almost like a dream.

However effective the medication, it can't fix my life, though. I struggle with different problems and they can't be solved with chemicals. That I don't have to suffer depressive episodes is not enough for me to want to live until old age. The difference is that it's easier to cope with my problems now, as the depressive episodes make life unbearable by exaggerating my problems and amplifying my pain. Through a glass darkly indeed.

For the better or the worse, I won't leave this community. I still have suicidal thoughts, albeit much less frequently, only once a day or every other day if even that. In fact, I got a typical, bipolar, suicidal impulse as late as yesterday and thought, "The bottle's in the cupboard. Maybe now is a good time?" It was considerably easier to suppress when there was no emotional hurricane raging inside, though.

More importantly, this chemical miracle is just buying me some more time. I can wait a little bit longer and see if things will get better or not, perhaps a couple of years even. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. The odds aren't too hot, though. In other words, my life may very well end in suicide despite this partial recovery. I'm not prepared to give up just yet, though.

This probably doesn't make much sense, but that's OK. I just had to share it here because I have no one I can share it with offline.

 

[I_love_to_bake]

So happy for you!! Keep pushing forward.

 

[WinterFaust]

I know you said there's no need for congratulations but I feel like this is a big deal! I know how hellish and unbearable things can be myself. I'm so happy your medication is finally working! Amazing news, really.

 

[Sensei]

I know you said there's no need for congratulations but I feel like this is a big deal! I know how hellish and unbearable things can be myself. I'm so happy your medication is finally working! Amazing news, really.

Thanks. :) I'll keep my fingers crossed that yours will start working too. It really is a relief when it does.

 

[puppy9]

@Sensei my master.

I'm happy for you because I'm too kinda start to see my medication is working because I've been maintaining a hygienic sleep. I just discovered coffee and it helps me to stay awake during the day and increases the quality of sleep at night. But the damage that few years experimenting left a trail of destruction.

I'm still struggling mentally in lots of areas tho, but that small win gave me some kind of relief.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

I'm just happy that you found a way to make it a bit more bearable!

 

[Sensei]

@Sensei my master.

I could get used to being called that. :P

I'm happy for you because I'm too kinda start to see my medication is working because I've been maintaining a hygienic sleep. I just discovered coffee and it helps me to stay awake during the day and increases the quality of sleep at night. But the damage that few years experimenting left a trail of destruction.

That's good to hear. As you perhaps already now, our so-called clock genes work differently than the general population's. We are, so to speak, programmed to sleep irregularly. I'm glad you've found a routine which works for you. I'm working on that myself.

I'm still struggling mentally in lots of areas tho, but that small win gave me some kind of relief.

I wouldn't call that a small victory. It can change your life.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

@Sensei that all makes perfect sense to me. I find myself in a kind of similar boat. I was in a far worse state this time last year, actively planning my death. Now I don't visit the suicide sub forum. But I'm realistic, I'll just take whatever i can get, whilst I can get it.

I'm so glad the medication is working for you. It's nice to hear that compared to all the bad experiences. I'm not a fan of medication, but I recognise that it does have it's place when taken as an educated choice, and can help make life bearable.

Hopefully, this can act as a foundation on which you can now stand. And I understand wanting to stick around here too. It's a grim subject matter indeed that draws us here, but there is light and humour and companionship to be found too.

Proud of you for sticking at it.

 

[Sensei]

@Underscore I really appreciate your words. It seems you're a kindred spirit. Let's do the best with the time we have left. I understand why you're sceptical of medication, but it's the only way if you have the kind of disorder I have. A chemical imbalance in the brain can only be treated with chemicals.

 

[Quinlor]

It's really good if found that your problem is just a matter of chemical issue.

 

[Sensei]

It's really good if found that your problem is just a matter of chemical issue.

Psychotherapy has little to no effect on schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, and bipolar disorder, unfortunately. Words can't change a chemical imbalance in the brain.