fox_wannabe
Enlightened
- Jul 7, 2021
- 1,112
Warning: Author might be out of his mind. Do not let this post encurage you to ctb.
I wanted to do idle gas but SI stopped me from fear of immediate death. I tried my backup method which was partial. I laid on my knees on the floor covered with soft blanket and with noose behind my neck and right below my jawline. I tried having noose on my right side and left side but it didn't work. Only when I was right below the anchor point and with thick nylon rope and slipknot I could achieve effect. I started pushing down, or rather i let myself drop down from my knees down and in less than few seconds I begun to loose consciousness.
And ehmmm scary part is... It felt really good. I do not have bad memories. It was so fast and painless. It didn't have the dramatic feel to it, like hyperventilating before the idle gas bag. Also It is very clean, no weird bags around your head. So little pressure I needed to apply for it to work. Like I said I was on my knees. Also I have very muscular and thick neck, so that "helps" a bit.
It felt good, I am a bit mad or crazy, but loosing yourself didn't feel bad at all. It was like taking off a tight shoe. I just wasn't sure I wanted to end It, so I pulled up right before the lights turned off.
I know It is called SI, but I like to think that maybe I still want to live for something idk. I am sure that If my situation got worse I wouldn't have problems with ending it.
I always though suicide with hanging is painful, turns out It can be pretty peaceful, I mean I didn't die yet but If I stayed there for second longer I would be done.
I feel amazingly alive after that experience, I do not think anything changed fundamentally, for that I would need... I don't know what I cannot contact any good emdr therapist, I cannot change the fact I am Aspie or that my brain might be completely disregulated after years of depression. I cannot change my low social status or my social awkwardness or lack of friends. I cannot change my past. It seams like I am making excuses so I can try one more time.
I find myself wanting to die just for sake of death itself, I am too lazy to work for my happiness or my survival. I think I was doing It my entire life and It didn't work (I tried many different things, gym, relationships, meditation, money, status) but from what I understand about myself is that more than anything I value peace, not outer peace but inner peace. Peace from my overly active, bipolar and tormented by past future and present mind. Peace I felt second noose squeezed tightly around my neck.
Did you also experience that after failed partial? Or was It bad, scary experience?
I wanted to do idle gas but SI stopped me from fear of immediate death. I tried my backup method which was partial. I laid on my knees on the floor covered with soft blanket and with noose behind my neck and right below my jawline. I tried having noose on my right side and left side but it didn't work. Only when I was right below the anchor point and with thick nylon rope and slipknot I could achieve effect. I started pushing down, or rather i let myself drop down from my knees down and in less than few seconds I begun to loose consciousness.
And ehmmm scary part is... It felt really good. I do not have bad memories. It was so fast and painless. It didn't have the dramatic feel to it, like hyperventilating before the idle gas bag. Also It is very clean, no weird bags around your head. So little pressure I needed to apply for it to work. Like I said I was on my knees. Also I have very muscular and thick neck, so that "helps" a bit.
It felt good, I am a bit mad or crazy, but loosing yourself didn't feel bad at all. It was like taking off a tight shoe. I just wasn't sure I wanted to end It, so I pulled up right before the lights turned off.
I know It is called SI, but I like to think that maybe I still want to live for something idk. I am sure that If my situation got worse I wouldn't have problems with ending it.
I always though suicide with hanging is painful, turns out It can be pretty peaceful, I mean I didn't die yet but If I stayed there for second longer I would be done.
I feel amazingly alive after that experience, I do not think anything changed fundamentally, for that I would need... I don't know what I cannot contact any good emdr therapist, I cannot change the fact I am Aspie or that my brain might be completely disregulated after years of depression. I cannot change my low social status or my social awkwardness or lack of friends. I cannot change my past. It seams like I am making excuses so I can try one more time.
I find myself wanting to die just for sake of death itself, I am too lazy to work for my happiness or my survival. I think I was doing It my entire life and It didn't work (I tried many different things, gym, relationships, meditation, money, status) but from what I understand about myself is that more than anything I value peace, not outer peace but inner peace. Peace from my overly active, bipolar and tormented by past future and present mind. Peace I felt second noose squeezed tightly around my neck.
Did you also experience that after failed partial? Or was It bad, scary experience?
