Parter ctb and now thinking about joining is the only thing that I want to do

[gottagorightnow]

My partner ctb last month. He was going through an incredibly hard and traumatic time but every single person in his life was surprised. We had no clue. He'd never even hinted at doing it. The day it happened I said "I don't get it because I could never understand not wanting to live" and now… going with him is literally all I can think about is joining him. I'm miserable. I'd struggled with toxic relationships before him and I worked so hard on myself to be able to receive someone as kind and loving as he was and now it's all just ripped away from me. Multiple of our friends told us our relationship made them believe in love again. And now I feel like I'm more traumatized than I ever was (I have both PTSD and CPTSD from childhood) and the thought of having true love just ripped away from me like that is too much to bear. I've also got many chronic health problems and I know the second my body comes out of fight or flight, it's going to get much worse. My body already is worse, i'm just so sad and panicked all the time that I can't really feel it yet.

I've been on this site daily. Because when I bring up that I don't want to live without him my friends get mad and tell me I have so much to live for and it's like, you try going through this shit and you might feel the way I do. Or constantly asking me if I feel safe. NO. The one person I felt truly safe with in this world took his life, how could I ever feel safe again?? I appreciate that this site respects people's wishes on whether they'd like to be here or not. I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Maybe I just need to say that I want to ctb to people who won't judge me. Thanks for reading to anyone who got this far.