Paranoid that people are judging/making fun of me

[3SVEAN]

I don't really know how to get rid of this feeling at all, it's like a stench, a bath filled with rocks keeping me puddled down in place, like I'm getting drowned. I have a history of getting bullied, It's started when I was really young around 9. Kids have been picking on me, I wouldn't call it bullying because I don't want to see myself as a victim, it just makes me feel worse. I have moved schools countless times, even as far as moving to the other side of the country really far from the schools that I got picked in. Strangely it was never girls, all though mean comments were made but they were kept at a distance and never said it to my face. On the other hand boys have been picking on me for my entire teenagehood, awful comments ranging as far as being lustful, harassment, as far as they wanted to do things to me that I wouldn't consent too. I was genuinely scared of them nothing ever got physical. These things have been happening to me since young, I'm wondering if it's interfered with my development from young to aging odler? I don't get made fun of anymore, but my head spirals whenever people are laughing and I don't know what they're laughing at, someone whispering into someone elses ear while looking at me, somehow I always end up thinking that it's about me. Half of the time it isn't, but I still have that looming feeling over me, I want it to go away, it's like my mindset is still in the past even though I've developed so much socially. People with similar traits as the ones who picked on me I always see them in any person who slightly displays similar characteristics. Like a doubleganger. It get's so bad to the point where I become mentally fuzzy and woozy. I feel really light when I get nervous and anxious. My paranoia get's really bad, I always think people are either making fun of me, I don't tell anyone else this because it makes me feel ill. It makes me feel like I haven't changed a single bit, I'm always moving schools so each new expierence is completely different from the other one. I got along with a lot of the boys at my old school, none of them were picking on me. But today was the first day of a new schooling enviroment, and today was just strange. I don't know how to feel about it, there's this one guy in my class who resembles one of the people who have harassed me in the past, not lookwise but behaviour wise. I don't know how to deal with this, please if someone can help me out with these thoughts I would really appreciate it