Venting Panic Episode

[almaranthine]

Haven't been on here in a number of months. I suppose I was trying to adjust myself to accept life, as shitty as it was/is, and wait for my natural end. I tried to force myself into small little activities, tiny moments that I could look forward to, like making tea every day, so that I could offer myself an ever brief relent from the torrential misery each day extends me. I really did make an effort.

Tonight, I got home from work and my mom, who allows me to live with her, began to immediately verbally tear into me. I couldn't take it; I'd been holding on just barely and this was the blow that broke me. I started sobbing and she began berating me for crying and told me I needed to stop "right now." Knowing I had fucked up and made things worse for myself by letting out my emotions, I grabbed at my neck and tried to hold my breath, so as to keep from making any further sound.

After the fight, I looked at myself and realized I had made some significant, highly suspicious marks that I would be forced to show up with at work tomorrow. I had already been flooded with suicidal ideation, but these marks solidified my desire to die.


Unfortunately I am not gifted enough to figure out the subtle details of partial suspension. I have tried to hit that fucking artery so many times but I can't get it.

Hopefully others have better luck. I will keep trying all night. It's not like I can sleep.

 

[the box is empty]

It looks like that hurt. If you want to hide them maybe cover it up with a scarf? Or makeup? You could even say you were just playing with your dog and they jumped up on you.

It looks painful. I once did a similar thing to myself. I'm really sorry that happened. Is your relationship with your mom normally like this?

 

[Darkhaven]

I'm honestly really saddened to hear about your situation. Life has been cruel with a lot of us, in many ways.
Maybe you can hide those marks with some clothes or acessories like scars and necklaces, and some make up? I'm no specialist, though.
As to your method, if you feel unable to accomplish anything with hanging i'd avise you to not keep trying it, specially now that you may be feeling hot headed and impulsive. Rushing it might make you fail and cause yourself some serious damage. Why not take some time to take things through or maybe choose amother method?
If you're working that probably means you are still independent and healthy enough to give life another try? Maybe try to get some space of your own to try and catch some breath and peace of mind?