i read a lot of things and ive talked to a lot of people. but it seems im the only one thats open about their disorders. everyone that knows me knows im suicidal. my best friend knows everything about my past and i vent to him about my disorders daily. am i the only one?
I'm like that too, so you're not the only one in this, don't worry.
My family doesn't know because i think they would be pissed, like, "we raised you well, we give you everything, and you're still depressed?!", that's what i imagine.
My more distant friends have an idea, but i'm not too open with them about it, it would be awkward, i do make some suicide jokes from time to time tho.
Now, my close friends, they are like family to me, and i'm pretty sure most of them know for sure.
I've opened up with many of them about my depression, i think all of them at least have a guess that i'm very depressed.
There are some however that, one night when we were drinking at one of their homes, discovered that i'm literally suicidal.
I was really drunk, and i'm a huge attention whore, and since i trust them more than anyone in the world, i kind of let it out of my system.
It helped that one of them tried to ctb before we met, and we all know his story, he even told it entirely that night, so we finally got the full version.
So i also had that comfort, that at least one of them would totally get it, and empathise somehow.
They were very loving about it, it were only a few of them that were with me there that night, but all of them showed a lot of love.
I'm very lucky and privileged in the friends department, that's for sure, it's the only reason i haven't ctb yet.
Still, there are sometimes that i'm worried that i ask too much of them, like, i know they really care, but i know being friends with someone like me can be hard.
Especially at parties when i get drunk, i kind of start showing my suicidal side much more, and kind of ruin the fun for everyone.
I feel horrible about it, so i'm trying to keep it to myself more, but i've never been so suicidal so i've never needed to talk to someone as much as i do now.
I don't know, it's selfish, the way i treat them, but i can't help it.
All i know is that they've been amazing, and if it weren't for them, i wouldn't be here anymore, i love them.
I don't have any friends.
I'm so sorry, this must be so painful, no one deserves this.
Do you at least feel some love here on SS?
