one day i will find the courage

[sad jester]

to end this pathetic life of mine. I've been this way for so long that I couldn't even remember when it all started. But what I do know is that time and time again life has shown me who I'm supposed to be.

"I used to think that my life was a tragedy, but now I realize, it's a comedy."

Those words have resonated with me profoundly ever since I heard him say it in the movie. Reflecting on my own life, as depressing as many moments have been, I've come to a point in my life that sometimes I can't help but laugh at the misfortune that I've experienced and continue to experience to this day.

From the horrifying mistakes I've made, to the constant glimpses of hope and rejection, to the realization that these 30 years of life have been a total waste. I can no longer feel what people would call happiness anymore. The smiles and laughter that I exhibit are a mere illusion of what's truly underneath.

I told myself last weekend that it was going to be my last. To be fair it was the closest I had come, but of course at the last second I opened back up the curtains of this terrible life. I've contemplated so many ways, maybe I would slit my throat, or jump from a bridge, or like my latest attempt, I could hang myself from my closet hanger rack.

Every now and then I pull out the unopened bottle of SN that I bought over a year ago and tell myself "one day". I come to this website to read other people's stories when I truly feel at my lowest. It's nice to know that I could be a part of a community like this but at the end of the day, no matter what coping mechanisms I hopelessly find, I know that my exit from this would will undoubtedly be by my own hand.

I just have to find the courage to do it.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me, this life really is so tiring. We suffer so much all for the sake of it and have to endure so much misery. I think that it's horrifying how life is even a thing in the first place. Suicide really can be so difficult, but I do think that I would be relieved if I had the option of SN. I know that for many it can be a comfort just having a way to exit. I hope that in whatever you decide to do, you find relief from your suffering.

 

[NeverEndingPain]

to end this pathetic life of mine. I've been this way for so long that I couldn't even remember when it all started. But what I do know is that time and time again life has shown me who I'm supposed to be.

"I used to think that my life was a tragedy, but now I realize, it's a comedy."

Those words have resonated with me profoundly ever since I heard him say it in the movie. Reflecting on my own life, as depressing as many moments have been, I've come to a point in my life that sometimes I can't help but laugh at the misfortune that I've experienced and continue to experience to this day.

From the horrifying mistakes I've made, to the constant glimpses of hope and rejection, to the realization that these 30 years of life have been a total waste. I can no longer feel what people would call happiness anymore. The smiles and laughter that I exhibit are a mere illusion of what's truly underneath.

I told myself last weekend that it was going to be my last. To be fair it was the closest I had come, but of course at the last second I opened back up the curtains of this terrible life. I've contemplated so many ways, maybe I would slit my throat, or jump from a bridge, or like my latest attempt, I could hang myself from my closet hanger rack.

Every now and then I pull out the unopened bottle of SN that I bought over a year ago and tell myself "one day". I come to this website to read other people's stories when I truly feel at my lowest. It's nice to know that I could be a part of a community like this but at the end of the day, no matter what coping mechanisms I hopelessly find, I know that my exit from this would will undoubtedly be by my own hand.

I just have to find the courage to do it.

I just came across your post. I wondered how you are doing ?

 

[sad jester]

I just came across your post. I wondered how you are doing ?

No better than I was the day I wrote this. I have tried to fix my life somewhat since then but as usual things always seem to fall apart or point towards disaster. In this very moment I feel like a complete shell of a person.

I'm taking three weeks of vacation from work starting next Monday. I'm hoping either this weekend or during my absence of work I'm able to feel low enough to pull the trigger. I guess we'll see.