OK, I'm off for full suspension shortly, as soon as my jacket (containing zip ties with which to tie my hands and my phone charger to charge my phone in order to make one last call) is dropped off.
It's 10:30 at night here now, should be around midnight by the time I arrive.
I tried partial already without much success; couldn't get to the point of passing out. So full suspension it is.
I've got my rope, location (secluded/not visible and difficult to access, only about half an hour's walk from here), four valium and a bunch of quetiapine (approx 500mg or so) to aid with anxiety.
I've also got some codeine and liquid morphine.
I'm thinking I'll down everything and stand with the noose around my neck, with my hands ziptied behind my back.
Then when it all kicks in I'll fall down and hang- there'll be no way back. Hopefully the meds will help make it a little less painful/scary.
I'd like to get drunk beforehand, however I don't have any alcohol and I'm not willing to wait another day to be free (bottle shops are shut).
I've scheduled an email for midnight two days from now containing details of my location and reminders why I refuse to continue this futile endeavour of a "life".
It's being sent to my Dad, whom lived a privileged life and decided to do nothing for his children, despite his parents hooking him up.
Hopefully he'll feel a little guilt, but probably not- narcissists generally don't. Either way it serves the purpose of alerting authorities before some unfortunate soul comes across me.
No more paying the price for another's violence. No more panic. No more pain. No more hopelessness. No more regret. No more limitations. No more feeling like a loser. No more insomnia. No more flatting with randoms I couldn't care less for. No more watching my dreams go down the shitter and being powerless to stop it. No more knowing that I'd have everything I wanted by now if someone had been there to support me through chronic pain as a child. I've I'd had the basics provided.
I'm actually feeling a wonderful sense of relief and satisfaction: I'm brave enough not to allow the world to walk all over me anymore.
I'm brave enough to turn my back on a life of suffering. To set an example for people feeling trapped in their miserable lives.
When I had my health I could actively prevent myself from being walked over, now that I don't I'll use other means to ensure that I'm not a doormat.
I live with an alcoholic who's always grumping around the house, sighing, swearing and getting shitty. I'll leave the coward to rot in his misery. I'll show him how it's done.
As for me, I've done no evil in my life, caused no harm. I gave my time and money when I could. Tried to support others and be a good person.
In return I've been neglected, attacked, maimed, used and mislead. I won't keep showing up to a life wherein I never get what I deserve.
My only regret was not getting to live the life I fought so hard for, for not having support as a child when I needed it, the kind of support that would have saved me and my loved ones a lot of grief and prevented an early death.
This is where neglect leads, it's an ugly thing. 15 year olds shouldn't be living in poverty, watching their own Fathers living lives of luxury, navigating life changing injuries caused by others without help and supporting their own Mothers as they suffer and die.
Love you guys. I hope my death inspires some of you either to live or die, whichever you choose.
If I fail or back out somehow, I'll send a message within the next few days. Otherwise, it was lovely being a part of this community. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
If anyone wants to PM over the next hour or so please let me know. It'd be nice to help someone else or chat to someone for the last time- I sure as hell ain't gonna waste my time on the suicide hotline.
Peace x.
It's 10:30 at night here now, should be around midnight by the time I arrive.
I tried partial already without much success; couldn't get to the point of passing out. So full suspension it is.
I've got my rope, location (secluded/not visible and difficult to access, only about half an hour's walk from here), four valium and a bunch of quetiapine (approx 500mg or so) to aid with anxiety.
I've also got some codeine and liquid morphine.
I'm thinking I'll down everything and stand with the noose around my neck, with my hands ziptied behind my back.
Then when it all kicks in I'll fall down and hang- there'll be no way back. Hopefully the meds will help make it a little less painful/scary.
I'd like to get drunk beforehand, however I don't have any alcohol and I'm not willing to wait another day to be free (bottle shops are shut).
I've scheduled an email for midnight two days from now containing details of my location and reminders why I refuse to continue this futile endeavour of a "life".
It's being sent to my Dad, whom lived a privileged life and decided to do nothing for his children, despite his parents hooking him up.
Hopefully he'll feel a little guilt, but probably not- narcissists generally don't. Either way it serves the purpose of alerting authorities before some unfortunate soul comes across me.
No more paying the price for another's violence. No more panic. No more pain. No more hopelessness. No more regret. No more limitations. No more feeling like a loser. No more insomnia. No more flatting with randoms I couldn't care less for. No more watching my dreams go down the shitter and being powerless to stop it. No more knowing that I'd have everything I wanted by now if someone had been there to support me through chronic pain as a child. I've I'd had the basics provided.
I'm actually feeling a wonderful sense of relief and satisfaction: I'm brave enough not to allow the world to walk all over me anymore.
I'm brave enough to turn my back on a life of suffering. To set an example for people feeling trapped in their miserable lives.
When I had my health I could actively prevent myself from being walked over, now that I don't I'll use other means to ensure that I'm not a doormat.
I live with an alcoholic who's always grumping around the house, sighing, swearing and getting shitty. I'll leave the coward to rot in his misery. I'll show him how it's done.
As for me, I've done no evil in my life, caused no harm. I gave my time and money when I could. Tried to support others and be a good person.
In return I've been neglected, attacked, maimed, used and mislead. I won't keep showing up to a life wherein I never get what I deserve.
My only regret was not getting to live the life I fought so hard for, for not having support as a child when I needed it, the kind of support that would have saved me and my loved ones a lot of grief and prevented an early death.
This is where neglect leads, it's an ugly thing. 15 year olds shouldn't be living in poverty, watching their own Fathers living lives of luxury, navigating life changing injuries caused by others without help and supporting their own Mothers as they suffer and die.
Love you guys. I hope my death inspires some of you either to live or die, whichever you choose.
If I fail or back out somehow, I'll send a message within the next few days. Otherwise, it was lovely being a part of this community. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
If anyone wants to PM over the next hour or so please let me know. It'd be nice to help someone else or chat to someone for the last time- I sure as hell ain't gonna waste my time on the suicide hotline.
Peace x.
