I posted about this 5 weeks ago, but a quick recap: mum was elderly and had had a few health problems over the years including heart problems and had a defibrillator fitted, but overall she was fit, strong, and healthy. A few years ago she had a fall that restricted her mobility and she couldn't fully care for herself. She had carers come in in the morning to get her up and make her breakfast, and again at lunchtime. One of my sisters visited 3 or 4 times a week and cooked her dinner and made her lunch (mum didn't like the carers doing this), and after I lost my job a few years before her fall (I was dismissed for gross misconduct so my career is over, no one will employ me with that record) I would cook, clean, make her lunch, and get her into bed in the evening. My sister always complained about what she had to do, but I didn't mind at all – it gave me a purpose in life after losing my job, which just shows you how selfish-thinking I am. On a Saturday I had a hacking cough and knew I was coming down with a cold, so I stayed at home Sunday and Monday and my sister visited her then. On the Tuesday I still wasn't well but mum called me to see if I would visit to get her dinner etc. One of my other sisters said she would do that but she has a family of her own and wouldn't be able to visit until later but mum wanted/needed her dinner early, so I visited. I should have worn a mask and sat in another room from her but I didn't – I'm selfish, thoughtless, and lacking empathy. I knew she had weakened immunity but I still came and made no effort to avoid infecting her.
The following Saturday mum felt ill – she must have caught that cold from me. The following Wednesday morning she spoke to one of my sisters and said that she was having difficulty breathing. When no one could contact her someone came round but she had passed away.
They had to perform a Post Mortem, which was difficult reading – they removed organs like the heart, brain, lungs etc. They ruled that the cause of death was cardiorespiratory failure, bronchopneumonia and ischaemic heart disease, and diabetes. It said that there was copious haemorrhagic oedema fluid, mucopurulent secretions in the airways, and pus in the lungs. My take is that a respiratory condition, caused by pneumonia (pneumonia can develop from a cold in older people), which I infected her with, caused too much of a strain on her heart, resulting in her passing away. I killed my mum. Did I mean to do it? Did I want this to happen? Was that my plan? No, of course not. But was it my fault? Yes, absolutely. If I hadn't have seen her she would still be here today.
I told some of my family this and they rolled off the old clichés: "It wasn't your fault; she could have caught this anywhere." But she didn't, she caught it off me. This is just shielding me from the truth, that I am to blame. I hate lying to myself and always need to be truthful with myself. I was to blame.
Mum had so much to live for, so much still to do. She had children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. People loved her, unlike me, who has no one. If there is an afterlife she must be cursing me for denying her more experiences in her life. The only person in my life that ever cared for me was mum, she accepted me with all my flaws, and she was the only person I cared for. She stood by me when I lost my job when all my "friends" deserted me. She made me feel that I wasn't the total failure that I truly am.
Why am I writing this? I guess it's just to help me understand. I don't expect people to read it, you all have your own problems, and why should anyone care? No one who knows me anymore cares about me. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Perhaps, I am a selfish person who is even thinking about myself now, as evidenced by this post. Do I want people to comfort me, say it's not my fault? No, because you'd all be wrong. It was my fault, I am to blame, and nothing anyone can say will change my mind. As you can see, I've been here for quite a while; I signed up when I lost my job, but mum said it would finish her off if I committed suicide so I didn't, but in the end I did finish her off with my selfishness and thoughtlessness. How can I live with myself after what I have done?
Now my mum's gone, thanks to me, there's nothing stopping me from CTBing. I have a rope, but I'm a coward. I worry that it would be painful and could be unsuccessful if the rope breaks, the tethering point breaks etc. I have quite a lot of valium – what's the lethal dose, if it is lethal? I've still got some sodium nitrite but it is old and may have gone off. But what I'd really like is to blow my head off with a shotgun, but they're difficult to come by living in the UK. I've searched the dark web but can only find hand guns, and they may not do the job properly. I'll continue my search.
The following Saturday mum felt ill – she must have caught that cold from me. The following Wednesday morning she spoke to one of my sisters and said that she was having difficulty breathing. When no one could contact her someone came round but she had passed away.
They had to perform a Post Mortem, which was difficult reading – they removed organs like the heart, brain, lungs etc. They ruled that the cause of death was cardiorespiratory failure, bronchopneumonia and ischaemic heart disease, and diabetes. It said that there was copious haemorrhagic oedema fluid, mucopurulent secretions in the airways, and pus in the lungs. My take is that a respiratory condition, caused by pneumonia (pneumonia can develop from a cold in older people), which I infected her with, caused too much of a strain on her heart, resulting in her passing away. I killed my mum. Did I mean to do it? Did I want this to happen? Was that my plan? No, of course not. But was it my fault? Yes, absolutely. If I hadn't have seen her she would still be here today.
I told some of my family this and they rolled off the old clichés: "It wasn't your fault; she could have caught this anywhere." But she didn't, she caught it off me. This is just shielding me from the truth, that I am to blame. I hate lying to myself and always need to be truthful with myself. I was to blame.
Mum had so much to live for, so much still to do. She had children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. People loved her, unlike me, who has no one. If there is an afterlife she must be cursing me for denying her more experiences in her life. The only person in my life that ever cared for me was mum, she accepted me with all my flaws, and she was the only person I cared for. She stood by me when I lost my job when all my "friends" deserted me. She made me feel that I wasn't the total failure that I truly am.
Why am I writing this? I guess it's just to help me understand. I don't expect people to read it, you all have your own problems, and why should anyone care? No one who knows me anymore cares about me. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Perhaps, I am a selfish person who is even thinking about myself now, as evidenced by this post. Do I want people to comfort me, say it's not my fault? No, because you'd all be wrong. It was my fault, I am to blame, and nothing anyone can say will change my mind. As you can see, I've been here for quite a while; I signed up when I lost my job, but mum said it would finish her off if I committed suicide so I didn't, but in the end I did finish her off with my selfishness and thoughtlessness. How can I live with myself after what I have done?
Now my mum's gone, thanks to me, there's nothing stopping me from CTBing. I have a rope, but I'm a coward. I worry that it would be painful and could be unsuccessful if the rope breaks, the tethering point breaks etc. I have quite a lot of valium – what's the lethal dose, if it is lethal? I've still got some sodium nitrite but it is old and may have gone off. But what I'd really like is to blow my head off with a shotgun, but they're difficult to come by living in the UK. I've searched the dark web but can only find hand guns, and they may not do the job properly. I'll continue my search.
