Ok, so recently on one of my postings, a comment was made "if it was JUST mental stuff, that can be fixed and isn't worth killing yourself"
First off, it's never JUST mental stuff. I have battled severe depression for my whole life. And depression/anxiety just isn't something you can snap your fingers and it's gone. I have battled my own mind my whole life and to minimize it as well, it's just your mental state is plain wrong. People don't understand I can even smile and laugh (which is rare) and want to ctb more than anything. The thoughts never go away, in my case and they've only intensified over the past few years. I tried when I was younger going to the doc, meds etc, the sessions didn't work and the meds didn't work. I don't want to go through that again. I know it won't work. I also am surrounded by a lot of people that say they care - and I can honestly say I don't give a single fuck. My mind won't let me process that they care. I also hate myself, I hate the world, I hate everything. So it's not "just" mental health and it can't just be fixed, sometimes it's beyond repair. My brain is chirping 24/7 at me what a horrible piece of shit I am and it's right. I want and deserve peace, I see only 1 way to turn those thoughts off for good. And I will. I am promising myself and everyone that I will. My plan may need to be tweaked or even adjust my method, but I am not going to turn back from my 5/31 date. I can't. I won't.
First off, it's never JUST mental stuff. I have battled severe depression for my whole life. And depression/anxiety just isn't something you can snap your fingers and it's gone. I have battled my own mind my whole life and to minimize it as well, it's just your mental state is plain wrong. People don't understand I can even smile and laugh (which is rare) and want to ctb more than anything. The thoughts never go away, in my case and they've only intensified over the past few years. I tried when I was younger going to the doc, meds etc, the sessions didn't work and the meds didn't work. I don't want to go through that again. I know it won't work. I also am surrounded by a lot of people that say they care - and I can honestly say I don't give a single fuck. My mind won't let me process that they care. I also hate myself, I hate the world, I hate everything. So it's not "just" mental health and it can't just be fixed, sometimes it's beyond repair. My brain is chirping 24/7 at me what a horrible piece of shit I am and it's right. I want and deserve peace, I see only 1 way to turn those thoughts off for good. And I will. I am promising myself and everyone that I will. My plan may need to be tweaked or even adjust my method, but I am not going to turn back from my 5/31 date. I can't. I won't.
