zombiegirl
the living dead
- Aug 17, 2023
- 159
dunno if this belongs here or in recovery but anyways. i had a huge misunderstanding with my friend group a few hours ago and i crashed the fuuuuuuck out. like all my therapy, my progress--everything, it went right out the window
i'm not gonna go into detail with what happened cuz i'm still kinda freaked out but basically they were convinced i did something Really Bad and they was gonna all cut me off over it and apparently theyd been feeling this way for DAYS hence why they hadn't talked in our group chat and had been avoiding me (which is frustrating bc i quickly caught on that something was wrong and it took me repeatedly asking multiple times over the course of those few days if i had done something wrong for them to actually confront me)
but anyways i started planning my suicide. after not being suicidal for MONTHS i was back at square one, thinking i deserved to die because i'm such a terrible abusive person though i didn't even know what it was i'd done wrong. for context i guess i've grown up with a very deep rooted self-hatred and to make shit worse i have been abusive in the past and have been trying to take accountability for it and become a better person so every time someone accuses me of something i'm always sure not to be defensive so i can take accountability and accept consequences
anyways i'm angry, scared, confused and hurt. i don't know what i'll do if something like this happens again or if they leave me for real next time. i literally lost all control of myself and all my healthy coping skills in that moment. it's like i was a different person and i thought i knew myself now but i guess i don't
sorry this is all probably janky and confusing but i'm running on little sleep, a fuck ton of anxiety and a terrible migraine and this ain't to get pity points and i know this is probably awkward and weird fuck man god i just okay this site i feel like is a good place to just word vomit this kinda stuff without fear of judgment because we are all deranged
i dont know whats all wrong with me or what i should do or how i should move forward lol im not reading this after i type im just gonna hit post thread and hope for the best
i'm not gonna go into detail with what happened cuz i'm still kinda freaked out but basically they were convinced i did something Really Bad and they was gonna all cut me off over it and apparently theyd been feeling this way for DAYS hence why they hadn't talked in our group chat and had been avoiding me (which is frustrating bc i quickly caught on that something was wrong and it took me repeatedly asking multiple times over the course of those few days if i had done something wrong for them to actually confront me)
but anyways i started planning my suicide. after not being suicidal for MONTHS i was back at square one, thinking i deserved to die because i'm such a terrible abusive person though i didn't even know what it was i'd done wrong. for context i guess i've grown up with a very deep rooted self-hatred and to make shit worse i have been abusive in the past and have been trying to take accountability for it and become a better person so every time someone accuses me of something i'm always sure not to be defensive so i can take accountability and accept consequences
anyways i'm angry, scared, confused and hurt. i don't know what i'll do if something like this happens again or if they leave me for real next time. i literally lost all control of myself and all my healthy coping skills in that moment. it's like i was a different person and i thought i knew myself now but i guess i don't
sorry this is all probably janky and confusing but i'm running on little sleep, a fuck ton of anxiety and a terrible migraine and this ain't to get pity points and i know this is probably awkward and weird fuck man god i just okay this site i feel like is a good place to just word vomit this kinda stuff without fear of judgment because we are all deranged
i dont know whats all wrong with me or what i should do or how i should move forward lol im not reading this after i type im just gonna hit post thread and hope for the best
