Nostalgia is a weird king of pain

[alreadyfound]

recently I started to feel a sense of nostalgia and now it's invading all my thoughts and it's really hard to bear. It's particularly weird knowing I had a pretty shitty life, I have been sexually abused in my childhood and beaten and neglected by my parents. I never had friends, was always alone except the one time when I was stalked and assaulted by a guy in the beginning of college.

But I remember my few good memories ; playing with my nintendo 3DS, the time I went to Disneyland at 10 yr old, the intellectually stimulating conversation I had with that guy before he turned crazy.

Life get worse everyday, making the past seem desirable despite how flawed it was. I don't even want to come back to this period of my life but I don't know. It's strange and it hurts my chest thinking about it.

my present and future are scaring me and my past is aching. Living is a terrible experience

 

[x9x99988]

I was very nostalgic today, just thought about how so much better my life was 5-7 years ago

 

[infinitesimal]

ive honestly been in the same shoes as you, been the subject of physical/emotional abuse and incest... its much easier to suspend your disbelief and rationalize what happened in the past especially when youre hyperaware and traumatized now.

grappling with a past like that must be really hard and i really feel for you. being a child is shitty experience because adults will trample over your sense of self and agency but there is less responsibility for you to undertake. in adulthood, there are less silver linings, and the dread of everyday life overtakes your ability to see the good in the present. so you turn to the past to salvage something pleasant

dont wanna come across as pro-life or impeding on your choice (because really, living can be unbearable) but i really hope that despite its scariness the future will be kinder to you, and allow you to recover in a way thats liberating. i cannot say for sure if your life would get better or not, but i also do hope that youll eventually gain good memories in this stage of life, even if its small or seemingly inconsequential.

while one can only hope, kindness is a human right and one day that can be given to you by those in your vicinity

 

[benzodiazepines]

i get you, even though my past was shitty i still find myself missing it all the time, its genuinely driving me insane… i just wanna go back .

 

[Busridin'26]

Woahhh been experiencing all of this recently. Relate almost word for word. I dunno what it is. But its been getting to the point of just reading a fucking sentence making my whole body ache. Makes no sense. Most of the past has been ass yet... im missing it?


I don't fuckin get it.

 

[Widow39]

I'm always more nostalgic year after year, regretting the past that was way better

 

[Ashu]

I may live on until
I long for this time
In which I am so unhappy,
And remember it fondly.

(Fujiwara no Kiyosuke, translated from the Japanese by Kenneth Rexroth)

 

[Ashu]

 

[plimeix]

I really miss the person I used to be. I don't know what I am anymore.

 

[SentimentalTrip]

I get how you feel. I have a tendency to romanticize the past too. I joined this forum in March of 2023. It was one of the worst times of my life (I think the day one joins a forum to find ways to end one's life is probably naturally one of the worst times in one's life.) And, contrary to reason, I find myself missing that time in my life.

I agree with you. Living is a terrible experience.