Venting no patience and no idea how to help anyone

[author]

i feel like a shit person for having basically no patience left and no emotional availability.

my friends had vaguely talked about the idea of saving up to move in together, so i wanted to pitch the idea for real. and one of my friends took the opportunity to explode about how much their current living situation sucks. and man i get it. i really really fucking get it. but im like. all your problems have solutions. we can work through this. but they're in the mindset of like, nothing i say will help. and i don't know if they just need to get it all out because it doesn't seem to help. and im just kind of at a loss.

i just wanted to talk about planning for the future and now im in a really awkward position hearing someone talk about how much their life sucks and how inescapable it is. and again. man. i super fucking get it. but dude. your problems are not an inescapable prison. i can literally make you a step by step plan right now for nearly every problem you're talking about. and i feel like that might be insensitive but when i care about someone i want to help them in a tangible way.

i dont wanna see my friend struggle, but man. omg. i cant seem to deal with people when they're in the state of like. misery where nothing you say will make them any less miserable. like anything you say will make things worse but if you don't say anything that also makes it worse. nothing gets through and they push back on even the softest things. and it's a constant lose/lose. i feel bad that my only thought process in the moment was literally "i feel so bad for you and i really want to help but please, please stop exploding. like please just stop." like i just can't handle it. thankfully i didn't say that but it's all i could think.

i dont fuckin know what to do for this type of situation. i dont want to "sorry that sucks" someone but they outright said "pitching me solutions is going to make me feel worse" so it's like, what else do i do? all i can say is "im sorry, i don't want to see you struggle like this and i really hope you at least feel a bit better later". and it makes me feel like shit.

i get that im kinda hypocritical here too. because i do vent. but i think the difference is that i prefer people to talk to me when im venting and like, engage me in conversation. it helps me come down and ground myself to actually talk to someone and have them talk back. and i get not everyone is like that but this friend is like, exploding and both words and silence seem to make it worse. and getting it out doesn't seem to be the end of it for them, they just keep spiraling. and it's like. i don't know what to do. there's nothing i can do that won't make it worse.

 

[Graveyardly]

i feel like a shit person for having basically no patience left and no emotional availability.

my friends had vaguely talked about the idea of saving up to move in together, so i wanted to pitch the idea for real. and one of my friends took the opportunity to explode about how much their current living situation sucks. and man i get it. i really really fucking get it. but im like. all your problems have solutions. we can work through this. but they're in the mindset of like, nothing i say will help. and i don't know if they just need to get it all out because it doesn't seem to help. and im just kind of at a loss.

i just wanted to talk about planning for the future and now im in a really awkward position hearing someone talk about how much their life sucks and how inescapable it is. and again. man. i super fucking get it. but dude. your problems are not an inescapable prison. i can literally make you a step by step plan right now for nearly every problem you're talking about. and i feel like that might be insensitive but when i care about someone i want to help them in a tangible way.

i dont wanna see my friend struggle, but man. omg. i cant seem to deal with people when they're in the state of like. misery where nothing you say will make them any less miserable. like anything you say will make things worse but if you don't say anything that also makes it worse. nothing gets through and they push back on even the softest things. and it's a constant lose/lose. i feel bad that my only thought process in the moment was literally "i feel so bad for you and i really want to help but please, please stop exploding. like please just stop." like i just can't handle it. thankfully i didn't say that but it's all i could think.

i dont fuckin know what to do for this type of situation. i dont want to "sorry that sucks" someone but they outright said "pitching me solutions is going to make me feel worse" so it's like, what else do i do? all i can say is "im sorry, i don't want to see you struggle like this and i really hope you at least feel a bit better later". and it makes me feel like shit.

i get that im kinda hypocritical here too. because i do vent. but i think the difference is that i prefer people to talk to me when im venting and like, engage me in conversation. it helps me come down and ground myself to actually talk to someone and have them talk back. and i get not everyone is like that but this friend is like, exploding and both words and silence seem to make it worse. and getting it out doesn't seem to be the end of it for them, they just keep spiraling. and it's like. i don't know what to do. there's nothing i can do that won't make it worse.

Okay first off I think it's normal you don't how to handle all of that. If someone trauma dumped on me or kept going in depressive self-pity circles, I'd probably just watch and try not to be mean.

Those things take professionals, and even then some psychiatrists aren't equipped that well with dealing with the primal "I'm going to die I feel like I'm going to die there's no escape".

I hate to say it because I've been on the other side of that stick many times, but they have to keep it under control and present it to professionals. As casual relationships are not equipped at all with the tools necessary to fix or even communicate wounds that may be deep. Like I said everybody's got to learn it, but we live in a society where everyone looks out for their own survival emotionally. And we can't afford to get bogged down by baggage's of other people, even if we feel empathy towards them. Misery shouldn't be shared with others. It is here on SaSu but that's a bit particular.

Some people DEMAND emotional attention from others, and you giving it is not a good feedback loop. Cause they're going to come back. So yeah, don't feel bad at all, and that from someone who's been that guy. He's just in a really dark place but he needs to figure out where the shrink is.

 

[hoppybunny]

It's ok to listen and nod. Sometimes people don't want solutions at the moment they're venting. They just want someone who's on their side or who will hear them complain. You don't need to solve their problems.

Alot of times people with practical solutions to their problems, know those solutions exist but have emotional/personal reasons why they can't take those.

For instance i hate living with my family but i am aware i could take a warehouse job and move in with 5 roomates if i really wanted to leave that situation. But i simply don't want to do that. So while the situation is simple from the outside, my personal disgust for living with strangers and my hatred for manual labour actually make the solution impractical for me.

It's not easy to imagine life in someone else's shoes but it can help to not try and solve their problems from your own perspective.

 

[.idiot]

i feel like a shit person for having basically no patience left and no emotional availability.

my friends had vaguely talked about the idea of saving up to move in together, so i wanted to pitch the idea for real. and one of my friends took the opportunity to explode about how much their current living situation sucks. and man i get it. i really really fucking get it. but im like. all your problems have solutions. we can work through this. but they're in the mindset of like, nothing i say will help. and i don't know if they just need to get it all out because it doesn't seem to help. and im just kind of at a loss.

i just wanted to talk about planning for the future and now im in a really awkward position hearing someone talk about how much their life sucks and how inescapable it is. and again. man. i super fucking get it. but dude. your problems are not an inescapable prison. i can literally make you a step by step plan right now for nearly every problem you're talking about. and i feel like that might be insensitive but when i care about someone i want to help them in a tangible way.

i dont wanna see my friend struggle, but man. omg. i cant seem to deal with people when they're in the state of like. misery where nothing you say will make them any less miserable. like anything you say will make things worse but if you don't say anything that also makes it worse. nothing gets through and they push back on even the softest things. and it's a constant lose/lose. i feel bad that my only thought process in the moment was literally "i feel so bad for you and i really want to help but please, please stop exploding. like please just stop." like i just can't handle it. thankfully i didn't say that but it's all i could think.

i dont fuckin know what to do for this type of situation. i dont want to "sorry that sucks" someone but they outright said "pitching me solutions is going to make me feel worse" so it's like, what else do i do? all i can say is "im sorry, i don't want to see you struggle like this and i really hope you at least feel a bit better later". and it makes me feel like shit.

i get that im kinda hypocritical here too. because i do vent. but i think the difference is that i prefer people to talk to me when im venting and like, engage me in conversation. it helps me come down and ground myself to actually talk to someone and have them talk back. and i get not everyone is like that but this friend is like, exploding and both words and silence seem to make it worse. and getting it out doesn't seem to be the end of it for them, they just keep spiraling. and it's like. i don't know what to do. there's nothing i can do that won't make it worse.

I relate very heavily to this.
I'm dogshit at the whole "There there, it's okay dude, I know its tough" thing, but I still wanna help people and thus try giving out practical solutions and advice- despite my own lack of knowledge about a lot of stuff.

The thing about people though, is- and I know this is a very generic, obvious, used-up line- that they can only be helped if they want to be helped. And you said it yourself- they seem to be in the mindset of thinking they are in an inescapable downward spiral. You're not gonna be able to do much until they themselves finally decide to want to change and accept help.

My advice: as hoppybunny said, be the guy they can talk to who will listen and nod, FOR NOW. This will likely wear you down, so I hope you have good copes. But as soon as they seem ready to accept help? Fire off, bro.

Those things take professionals, and even then some psychiatrists aren't equipped that well with dealing with the primal "I'm going to die I feel like I'm going to die there's no escape".

Some people DEMAND emotional attention from others, and you giving it is not a good feedback loop. Cause they're going to come back. So yeah, don't feel bad at all, and that from someone who's been that guy. He's just in a really dark place but he needs to figure out where the shrink is.

Therapiss is a scam.

 

[author]

It's ok to listen and nod. Sometimes people don't want solutions at the moment they're venting. They just want someone who's on their side or who will hear them complain. You don't need to solve their problems.

Alot of times people with practical solutions to their problems, know those solutions exist but have emotional/personal reasons why they can't take those.

For instance i hate living with my family but i am aware i could take a warehouse job and move in with 5 roomates if i really wanted to leave that situation. But i simply don't want to do that. So while the situation is simple from the outside, my personal disgust for living with strangers and my hatred for manual labour actually make the solution impractical for me.

It's not easy to imagine life in someone else's shoes but it can help to not try and solve their problems from your own perspective.

i get that, 100%. i'm in a similar situation myself about hating where i live, and they are too. that's why i'd brought up the idea of preparing to move out together, but that caused them to spiral which turned into venting/sharing trauma. i felt responsible because i brought up something that upset them (though i genuinely thought they'd have a different reaction). i've been in the position of not being able to accept advice or solutions.

they were open to the idea of moving out with us, but it's hard to talk about moving forward without, like. trying to solve the problems preventing you from moving forward. i think that's where the disconnect happened.

Some people DEMAND emotional attention from others, and you giving it is not a good feedback loop. Cause they're going to come back. So yeah, don't feel bad at all, and that from someone who's been that guy. He's just in a really dark place but he needs to figure out where the shrink is.

they do have a therapist, but i don't know how much it's really helping. from how much they've shared with me i'd say half the problems are physical tangible things (the stuff i've offered to help with), and the other half is emotional (which i'm unfortunately not as good at dealing with).

My advice: as hoppybunny said, be the guy they can talk to who will listen and nod, FOR NOW. This will likely wear you down, so I hope you have good copes. But as soon as they seem ready to accept help? Fire off, bro.

yeah i think that's really all i can do unfortunately. i'm just already worn down lol. i don't have a high tolerance for this but i'm gonna do my best anyway.

 

[hoppybunny]

i get that, 100%. i'm in a similar situation myself about hating where i live, and they are too. that's why i'd brought up the idea of preparing to move out together, but that caused them to spiral which turned into venting/sharing trauma. i felt responsible because i brought up something that upset them (though i genuinely thought they'd have a different reaction). i've been in the position of not being able to accept advice or solutions.

they were open to the idea of moving out with us, but it's hard to talk about moving forward without, like. trying to solve the problems preventing you from moving forward. i think that's where the disconnect happened.


they do have a therapist, but i don't know how much it's really helping. from how much they've shared with me i'd say half the problems are physical tangible things (the stuff i've offered to help with), and the other half is emotional (which i'm unfortunately not as good at dealing with).


yeah i think that's really all i can do unfortunately. i'm just already worn down lol. i don't have a high tolerance for this but i'm gonna do my best anyway.

Yeah actually try not to bring up moving out together if you can honestly so you don't have to listen to them rant or vent. Some ppl foreal don't know when to stop. I think conversations with friends should be like 70% good things 30% bad things and if only bad things are happening in ur life it's ok to just not say anything. Ur friend definitely might be too in their own head to take practical advice. If u do really want them to try living with u, try messaging them over text with all the details laid out and ur plan so they have to actually read it without going into vent mode.

Therapiss is a scam.

I think the best use of therapy is just having someone you paid to vent to. I know when i got given medication and it literally had no effect, i was offered stronger doses, thankfully i had common sense and realized no amount of drugs will change that my parents treat me like shit. And i was abke to get off them with no side effects.

But for things like processing grief, venting, ranting, productivity and time management they're helpful.

As long as you don't go in with the idea that they can fix our failing society.

Anyway what I'm saying is, i mostly agree with you. They're too quick to hand out drugs but i don't think they're entirely useless. I guess if you're not poor or disabled or in an abusive environment they have their uses.