No longer suicidal but still have thoughts

[hang in there]

From age 12 to 25 I had always felt like I wanted to die. No matter how my life was going (usually very badly), ups downs what have you, always the same burning urge in the back of my mind to end it. I tried a couple times and got hospitalized multiple times and then turned alcoholic to cope with my mental pain. I tried medication after medication which only made it worse and harder to deal with.
But then I got on an antipsychotic and it's night and day... I just feel totally normal in a way I have not felt since I was very young. And with that, my urges to kill myself disappeared.
But I still think about it all the time. Not that I want to go through with it or that I intend to, it just is a comfort in the background always knowing life is optional and that an escape route exists when it gets too much to deal with. I like the certainty of some methods and the reassurance that nothing is final unless I choose it to be. I like toying with the concept, it makes me calm.
Does anyone else feel the same? Out of the pit but still looking into it fondly now and then? It almost feels like home...

 

[VI48]

I feel the exact same way. To me, I just consider it the same as having any other kind of nostalgia, albeit for something that tends be regarded as a bit more morbid than anything else typically filed under that category. Plus, when it has encapsulated such a large part of your life, I think it would be odd to not reflect on the more comforting aspects now and again.
(Also: Great to hear that you found a medication that works really for you despite how harrowing the journey to find it was. I know dealing with after effects and such can be rough to deal with, and it's no small feat to be able to stick that out.)

 

[enough of this]

That's about where I am, too. I think about it all the time. I think it's the only true relief I'll find.