No escape, no mercy only torture

[noname223]

I am in a recovery attempt even though it already failed. This is my last one. I tried to go to college my second (or third time). I get manic. The only thing that helps is medication that are highly addictive. I take them 2-3 a week. My dosage has increased over the lastt 2,5 months severe sleeping disorder. I have tried everything in order to avoid poverty. I am pretty sure I gonna ctb due to it. My therapists want me to go on with college. Despite the increasing mania. I am 99% sure I gonna go insane when the exams come I always do that. I cannot take that pressure due to severe mistreatment as a child.

I was today in the university. This is the only day in the week I try to socialize. I even got some friends there. However I am rather looking for a gf. I see so many people in university who does not give a shit about the things we learn. Me in contrast I love all of this. I am so glad to be there. It is one of my biggest dreams to study that subject. But what happens I get manic due to fucking parents who mistreated me. And the only chance I have to go on is to become an addict.
The longer I go one the more it will hurt to leave college.

Sorry that the text is not super coherent. My text was interreupted by my dad calling me. I explained him 5000 times I cannot work. I only try it to prove other people who say I could do it wrong. I do this since years. This has to end. No more trying, no more hope. Just becoming more and more bitter and resentful.
Damn I am so desperate.

 

[obliviousatbest]

I'm sorry for the suffering you endure. Life is paradoxical and cruel, especially to those trying to escape its bleakness. Wishing you find balance with your mania so you can progress like you are trying to & deserve to. It feels so dreadful when things out of your control have terrible effects on your academia, but pushing too hard might break you even more, idk if deferring for a year is an option for you, to give you time to figure things out with a bit less pressure. Sending peace

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you are in a very stressful situation, I'm sorry you are going through this. After all we are all human and there is only so much we can take. It is understandable wanting to exit when you are suffering so much. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.