Hello other sad people,
I'm not super duper versed on this forum, only been an onlooker for awhile. But after seeing some pretty heart-rending stories on here, I have to throw out at least some of my frustrations and experiences lately also too. Just air some dirty laundry I guess.
This past year or so has been pretty damn tough. One of those periods in your life where everything you love or loved comes crashing down and for me it's at such a crossroads time. Moving out of my folks for the first time; which kinda ended up with me being across the country trying to defeat the world I guess, losing my best friends and girlfriend as well (which honestly is the worst feeling even now, especially when I write it like this even maybe four months later or so), lost a few jobs, took out loans out of places I'm not even sure I can still pay at this point, lost multiple jobs, risk facing eviction at my current apartment and pretty much have no career path or plans or anyone or anything to rely on. Had to live on the street a few months in the process, which isn't very much, I know many others experience far worse pains and suffering than me, but God living everyday in fear knowing I could just lose this shit again at once, makes me feel very sad. Living criminalized for being alive hurts. Altogether this all has felt kind of like when you open up one of those prank gags with the worms in a can and they just explode everywhere. This all happened so quickly too, but also somehow over the course of a longer stretch of time than I even registered. It feels like I have no identity or purpose or people or things to rely on anymore and I really just honestly probably deserve to be dead. Like life keeps proving that to me.
I kind of am coming on here to either really lay those things to bed soon, like maybe there's still something to cling to if I look hard enough, but I almost also need factual advice or precision in case things go so wrong there isn't any more outs to this stuff. Like I keep fantasizing and thinking about possible plans or suicide methods like driving into a tree at high speed, which comes up sometimes when I'm early morning driving (one of the few coping methods I have left), ingesting a shitload of Advil or other OTC drug of some kind and dying an agonizing death over time (not preferable because I'd rather die without any takebacks), or the one on my mind especially lately, since I also live not too far off from the Golden Gate, jumping from a bridge. If you guys have any factual information or understandings of how people tend to jump from that spot or when a good time would be to avoid patrol or anything like that, let me know. I seriously need information to know or look into, at least for at minimum, morbid curiosity.
If you managed to read through my crappy ranting thanks so much, and also I love your mother. Tell her she's a great woman and bakes amazing cookies.
I'm not super duper versed on this forum, only been an onlooker for awhile. But after seeing some pretty heart-rending stories on here, I have to throw out at least some of my frustrations and experiences lately also too. Just air some dirty laundry I guess.
This past year or so has been pretty damn tough. One of those periods in your life where everything you love or loved comes crashing down and for me it's at such a crossroads time. Moving out of my folks for the first time; which kinda ended up with me being across the country trying to defeat the world I guess, losing my best friends and girlfriend as well (which honestly is the worst feeling even now, especially when I write it like this even maybe four months later or so), lost a few jobs, took out loans out of places I'm not even sure I can still pay at this point, lost multiple jobs, risk facing eviction at my current apartment and pretty much have no career path or plans or anyone or anything to rely on. Had to live on the street a few months in the process, which isn't very much, I know many others experience far worse pains and suffering than me, but God living everyday in fear knowing I could just lose this shit again at once, makes me feel very sad. Living criminalized for being alive hurts. Altogether this all has felt kind of like when you open up one of those prank gags with the worms in a can and they just explode everywhere. This all happened so quickly too, but also somehow over the course of a longer stretch of time than I even registered. It feels like I have no identity or purpose or people or things to rely on anymore and I really just honestly probably deserve to be dead. Like life keeps proving that to me.
I kind of am coming on here to either really lay those things to bed soon, like maybe there's still something to cling to if I look hard enough, but I almost also need factual advice or precision in case things go so wrong there isn't any more outs to this stuff. Like I keep fantasizing and thinking about possible plans or suicide methods like driving into a tree at high speed, which comes up sometimes when I'm early morning driving (one of the few coping methods I have left), ingesting a shitload of Advil or other OTC drug of some kind and dying an agonizing death over time (not preferable because I'd rather die without any takebacks), or the one on my mind especially lately, since I also live not too far off from the Golden Gate, jumping from a bridge. If you guys have any factual information or understandings of how people tend to jump from that spot or when a good time would be to avoid patrol or anything like that, let me know. I seriously need information to know or look into, at least for at minimum, morbid curiosity.
If you managed to read through my crappy ranting thanks so much, and also I love your mother. Tell her she's a great woman and bakes amazing cookies.
